Listening in on 14yos on the train after school and one of them just said: “bro you didn’t even try fresh basil until you were like 12, you have no credibility in this conversation” and the rest of them started roaring laughing
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Me: This is my semester. Imma get it together and graduate.
Sinus infection followed immediately by stomach flu: Right…
*looks at calendar*
*looks at stomach*
*looks at calendar*
Guess I’m telling people I’m pregnant again this summer.
[Outside liquor store]
Underage kid: Hey mister, can you buy me some beer?
Me: Sure, if you show me how stories on Instagram work I’ll buy you black tar heroin.
*reads recipe and sees “raisins”
Well, that’s not going to happen.
Why do meditation exercises always start by telling me to close my eyes? How am I gonna read the rest of the instructions?! 😆
8yo: daddy what’s your best talent?
me: hmm I don’t know, maybe being a dad?
8yo: no that’s not it
Waking up with a hangover in your 20s
vs
Waking up with a hangover in your 40s
Doggo’s polite and subtle implication that he is interested in going for a walk
I have to wonder why we have “non-essential” government employees in the first place.
Those 3 little letters that mean so much: PTO
I had an erotic dream last night that my house was clean.
Yelling at my cat to stop hissing at my other cat, for god’s sake, Milo, we’ve got a pandemic on
Him: Did you poop in the shower?
Me: Is that an actual question you’re asking me right now?
H: Well who else could it be?
M: How about one of our kids that’s known to do stuff like that and not YOUR WIFE THAT TRADITIONALLY DOESN’T SHIT THE SHOWER?
H: Oh that makes more sense.
The wife: what do you want for Christmas, sky is the limit
Me: new boat
The wife: lower sky
Archaeologists now believe our ancestors simply hated dusting
there is no need for awkward apologies if you walk in on someone and they’re naked, just say “haha saw your doodle” and walk off. simples
Happiness is…
finding your drunk uncle’s change in the couch cushions after he leaves.
*corruptly eats pizza with a spork*
“You can have sex with my sister over my dead body”
“Umm, I appreciate the weird offer, but I’m just gonna do it in my car”
Spam popsicles.
*follow for more recipes
[roadtrip]
ME: I need a bathroom break
FRIEND: no stops for 2 hours, use that Gatorade bottle
ME: um…ok…now how am I supposed to wipe?
Me: *in the dentist chair*
Dentist: OK so whilst you have several instruments and half my belly in your mouth, I’m going to take the opportunity at this exact moment to ask about your holidays and I do expect a response.
9: [who only had 97 snacks today] Are we ever gonna eat dinner?
Does laundry while drinking
*somehow washes a lampshade
him: you’re not like most women
me: is it because I’ll eat an entire pizza, the fries in your hand, and a small village on a first date?
[on the phone with wife]
Honey, who do you like better, Hulk Hogan or Jafar from Aladdin?
“Tell me why.”
[winks at tattoo artist] No reason.
just read an article that said stray dogs will “elect” the cute dogs in the group to approach ppl cause they come back with more food. u little shits think u can manipulate me well u absolutely can here have my entire lunch
*During sex*
Wife – *looking up* I thought I asked you to dust the ceiling fan.
I can’t seem to convince these dogs & cats that I don’t need their assistance in the bathroom.
Twitter is great because it allows me to show off my hilarious mind without showing off my hilarious body…