Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I still can’t believe Jesus was born on Christmas Day I mean what are the odds

My plans for world domination will have to be put on hold while I try to open this package of batteries.

Kids: Mom told us about the elf.
Husband: She did? She told you that…
Kids: He has COVID.
Husband:
Me:
6: And he’s on a bendilator.

5’s friend told him his mom makes play doh. Thanks Pinterest. I’m already expected to cook 3 meals a day, now I have to cook their toys too?

Real Estate Agent: We’re here for your routine inspection. You have to let us in.

Me (hosing down the inside of the house): One moment.

Any walk can be a walk-of-shame when you’re an adult wearing Crocs™

“I’d love to go to the moon” I said “but on a full moon day of course, no point going all that way when only half of it’s there”

Sorry for releasing thousands of shrieking bats at your wedding. Sometimes I don’t know what to do with my hands.

If these seasonal allergies don’t kill me, that person I just sneezed all over probably will.

send me a picture of a beloved item in your home

please include your address if the item is expensive and easy to carry

America’s national mascot should just be a drunk white girl typing on a shattered iPhone.

What did one ocean say to the other?

Nothing, it just waved.

Sea what I did there?

I’m shore you did.

Laugh, you son of a beach!

My dream job is a 7-11 hot dog just rolling there endlessly in a zen state of warmth

me: can I get uhhhh… what’s in a combo number 5?

Lou Bega: *deep breath*

With hindsight, answering the door with one unshaven leg, one dripping with blood & radioheads “creep” blaring out probably didn’t help.

“Don’t you dare call my lazy friend lazy”, my friend defending my honour

I only look good from one angle and if someone could please tell me what that angle is I’d be grateful

[First Date]

I’ll just have a salad.

[Second Date]

*shoves a whole brisket in my maw like a bear going into hibernation*

I seriously have no problem with Bill Gates putting chips in the vaccine. I do take issue with him not including dip.

When I was kid the internet was called Encyclopedia Britannica

Two roads diverged in a wood, and I…
I was looking down at my phone and walked directly into a tree,
And that has made all the difference.

Wife: We’re supposed to get 8-10 inches tonight. Me: That’s what she said. Wife: Can’t you do any better than that? Me: That’s what she said

In our wedding, I’ll invite his ex and be like “Still believe you can get him back?”

I love strippers. They’re awesome. Plus I can’t get my girlfriend to do shit for a dollar.

“It’s-a me… Where’s-a Thanos?”

Hey everyone, my mom’s following me on Twitter now, so ixnay on all the eetstway about the ugsdray and exsay and acismray. Thanks

Why yes, person on the Internet, I would love to make $596 per day sitting at home. Let’s do this!!!

My son asked me how diarrhea fits into God’s plan for us and I don’t think we’re going back to church anymore.

Let me get this straight. The guy was raised by animals in the jungle with no human contact whatsoever and he named himself George?

Me: *10 minutes into a workday after a long weekend*

My smartwatch: I’ve called all the ambulances