Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Want to come watch the game Saturday at 8:00?”

Well I’m going rollerskating at 1:00, so yeah I should be out of the hospital by then.

the rainforest cafe won’t be authentic enough for me if they don’t bulldoze 40% of the restaurant while i’m there.

9yo: Dad, how come you’re so good at Mario Kart but so bad at driving your car?

Me: Go to your room.

The male mayfly, living for just 1 day, has only 12 hours to become successful enough to buy a sports car, get hair plugs, and start sleeping with his secretary.

The nephew I’m babysitting has been in a corn maze since Thursday, but I rationalize by thinking he has plenty to eat.

I don’t moan during sex, I prefer to yodel.

STOP CALLING ME. IF I EVER PLANNED ON TALKING TO YOU AGAIN I WOULDN’T HAVE BORROWED ALL THAT MONEY.

Mary: I’m pregnant
Joseph: but how you’re a virgin
Mary: oh god
Joseph: okay makes sense

#Caturday

“Insomnia sure is frustrating” he said wide-awakely.

Whenever a serial killer is caught, I always check my follower list to make sure you’re all still there.

Dear commercial pitching me how much my funeral will cost,

It’s not going to cost ME anything.

Sometimes I’ll sign a wedding guestbook with something inspirational:

“1 out of 5 stars: would not recommend”

If you’re not happy single you won’t be happy married. Happiness comes from eating potatoes, not from relationships.

[starts to leave the theater when the title appears on-screen]
date: no, Get Out is the name of the movie

I never understood why people wear black clothes when they want to be sneaky

They should wear leather armor, because it’s made of hide.

Pretty sure we domesticated dogs first and were like yes this is amazing let’s do another one, then we domesticated cats and were like yes that’s quite enough I think

How can we make people tell the truth?

“Lets make them put one hand on a book & the other on their chest. That’ll scare the shit out of em”

BREAKING: Pot calls kettle “black”. “Racial tension at boiling point” says mayor of kitchen cupboard

I’m bored and that can only mean one thing.
My bank accounts about to take a hit.

Couldn’t afford a large screen tv this Christmas so I kept my current one but moved the couch 4 foot closer

If I ever become rich, you know where all my money is going?

To the bank

her: how about we go to this restaurant? I heard it’s earned two Michelin stars
me: [trying to impress] my car has four Michelin tires

Don’t worry little groundhog, when I stick my head outside and see what’s going on in the world today I run back inside and hide too.

i will be the first to admit when something is my fault, it really undercuts the other people blaming me for things

If my funeral is open casket my only request is that I have cucumber slices over my eyes.

My resume says, “GIMME A JOB,” I’ve had four recruiters reach out and tell me to stop watching career TikTok for advice.

Using “Hello” as a greeting

– boring
– uninspired
– predictable

Using “Hiya” as a greeting

– casually playful
– conveys enthusiasm
– leaves door open for karate

seems like a niche market

“Someone should really clean these gutters,” I say out loud, having lived alone for a decade.