Listening to a global economy futurist. Pretty sure in 20 years Chinese parents will say “Clean your plate, people in the US are starving.”
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My kids have started saying things to us like “You’re 41 now, you should be able to sit through dinner”. Touché kids, touché.
Not too drunk to do the project but too drunk to drive to Home Depot. So you see my dilemma.
It took a while but my friend finally convinced me that I am hanging with the wrong crowd. He said, “He dude, we’re over here, you don’t know those people.”
I was taking my diazepam before my flight and the Swiss guy in the seat next to me saw and guessed I was nervous, so he asked me if I liked cats and then showed me a photo of a cat dressed as a pilot and said “I heard he’s flying our plane, I think we can trust him” 😭
William: where have you all been
Kate: omg William there’s a winter forest in the coat closet
When people are making out in public make things even more awkward by applying chapstick and announcing you’re next
MyFitnessPal:
“If every day were like today, in 5 weeks, you’d weigh…”
ONE METRIC TON!!
(Guy who was trapped in a well for 20 years standing in front of the Get Well Soon cards at the pharmacy, frowning)
So apparently in Las Vegas if you leave the “do not disturb” sign on your hotel door for more than 72 hours they automatically send over a police officer to make sure you’re still alive. Steve was very nice.
*walks into confessional, closes door and sits down*
Me: Alright. Look alive over there, Father, I’ve had a pretty wild week…
date: do you like a little danger?
me: sure do. danger’s my middle name… unfortunately my first name’s stranger. and your mother probably warned you about me
[going out]
other moms: have fun, be safe!
my mom: I don’t want to see you on Dateline later
Why is mild cheddar even a thing? Who are these people who can’t handle sharp cheddar & why are they allowed to influence the cheese market?
Hey gurl, were you taped to the inside of a birthday card from my grandmother? Cause you’re a dime.
Sex with me is like eating spaghetti with a spoon.
I made HUGE surprise plans for my wife’s birthday tonight–dinner, dancing, champagne, the works–but the babysitter just cancelled & now we can’t do anything!
Did that sound believable to you guys? If you were my wife would you suspect, hypothetically, that I didn’t make plans?
nothing saves money like being antisocial
My Twitter crush is 4,762-timing me!
goals for 2016:
1) spend more time with my son
2) learn about his fav video games
3) defeat him
4) become video game household champion
My son, in the restaurant: “Mom! If you don’t stop dancing to Despacito I’m literally going to drink and drive, and I don’t have a license yet.”
I wonder if there are introvert birds who get tired of all the chatter coming from the extrovert birds.
(job interview)
HR: And one of the many benefits we offer is a free gym membership. We really push healthy living.
Me: *stands up and leaves*
You don’t have to drive me crazy, I’m close enough to walk.
the difference between cupcakes and your opinion is that I asked for cupcakes
Seriously In 20 years time and you’re at a pub quiz and a question starts with
“in what year”
Just answer 2016
I forgot the word for stylist and called it looksmith.
Yes, Firefox. I will abort the script but only to save the life of the web page.
It’s not enough for my dog to sit and get pets; he must also make eye contact with my other dog to make sure that he knows.