@LindaInDisguise

Listening to a global economy futurist. Pretty sure in 20 years Chinese parents will say “Clean your plate, people in the US are starving.”

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@AllanForsyth

Forty is the new thirty!

At least it is according to the loan shark to whom I now owe an additional ten grand.

@AssOnHat

lab assistant: i have good news and some bad news

me: ok what’s the good news

lab assistant: you got an a on your test

me: ok…and?

lab assistant: it’s hepatitis

@msdanifernandez

Game Show Host: if you were stranded on an island with no people, what–
Me: omg yes

@AmishPornStar1

Survival Tip: When flipping off your wife behind her back…

Make sure she’s not standing in front of a mirror.

@dafloydsta

DOCTOR: I’m afraid I’ve got bad news
ME: *pulls an apple from pocket*
DOCTOR: *sweating* GOOD NEWS, I MEANT GOOD NEWS

@theshamingofjay

You can tell a lot about a person based on how long it takes them to find the gun emoji.

@c12h22o11balls

Me: if I told you that you have a beautiful body, would you hold it against me?

Funeral Director: Please leave sir

@heybuddy_comic

date: im really into old movies

me: [nodding] shrek came out 19 years ago