Forty is the new thirty!
At least it is according to the loan shark to whom I now owe an additional ten grand.
Listening to a global economy futurist. Pretty sure in 20 years Chinese parents will say “Clean your plate, people in the US are starving.”
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lab assistant: i have good news and some bad news
me: ok what’s the good news
lab assistant: you got an a on your test
lab assistant: it’s hepatitis
Game Show Host: if you were stranded on an island with no people, what–
Me: omg yes
Survival Tip: When flipping off your wife behind her back…
Make sure she’s not standing in front of a mirror.
DOCTOR: I’m afraid I’ve got bad news
ME: *pulls an apple from pocket*
DOCTOR: *sweating* GOOD NEWS, I MEANT GOOD NEWS
You can tell a lot about a person based on how long it takes them to find the gun emoji.
I gave up carbs four minutes ago and seven people are dead.
Me: if I told you that you have a beautiful body, would you hold it against me?
Funeral Director: Please leave sir
date: im really into old movies
me: [nodding] shrek came out 19 years ago