Listening to a global economy futurist. Pretty sure in 20 years Chinese parents will say “Clean your plate, people in the US are starving.”
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After I tucked my 3yo into bed he handed me his water cup and said “you can freshen this on your way out”. I updated my resume to reflect my experience running a hotel.
Whoever said your harshest critic is yourself never had an 11 yr old daughter
If your wife tells you “We’d be terrible partners on The Amazing Race” it’s a term of affection, right?
Haha no i do not care what people think of me. Why what have u heard tell me everything right now
Older women aren’t afraid to ask for exactly what they want.
Doughnuts. I want doughnuts.
How to lose weight:
1. Name your kid Weight
2. Take it to the mall
Million dollar idea: an alarm clock that plays Nickelback if you hit snooze.
The best thing about microchipping my cat is that I connected him to my ApplePay account and now I can use him to pay for things when I forget my wallet.
[on date]
Me, thinking: Compliment her, but don’t be weird.
Me, out loud: You have healthy-looking gums.
My dad wrote me an unusually sweet and detailed text about how proud he is of me and my accomplishments and it’s so nice to see that even at his age he’s learned how to use ChatGPT
a 9-5 is two hours of work and 6 hours of anxiously trying to justify my existence to my employer
I could have been the favourite Mistress of the Sun King at Versailles but nooooooooo I had to be born into late stage capitalism
A third zebra strolls casually while whistling and pretending to read a newspaper onto Noah’s ark.
My husband just sent me a text inviting me to go ahead and have the left over tacos that I ate three hours ago.
The only reason there’s a market for hammers is not because they go bad but because they grow legs and walk away.
ME: [on my deathbed] this is pretty nice
MATTRESS STORE SALESMAN: sir, you can’t die here
I take it personally when the UPS guy drops off a package for my neighbors but doesn’t bring me one.
Looking for a man who wants to wear matching Cheetos pants with me. No weirdos.
You’d seriously think I was wanted for murder by the way I react when someone knocks on the door…
ME: I want a koi swimming downstream
TATTOO ARTIST: Ah yes. That’s very symbolic. You must be very spiritual?
ME: Ya ha. Also, put a pop-tart in its mouth
I don’t always go outside but when I do I hit my forehead really hard on a shelf to make sure I look like an idiot.
The most I’ve ever paid for sex was ‘marriage.’
*pulls the pin on a can of Axe body spray*
*lobs it into your open car window as you drive by*
An escape room but it’s just me trying to put on my hoodie with one sleeve inside out.
Putting on a bra is like trying to wrestle two pigs into a potato sack.
I missed two of my mom’s calls, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.
Once my wife accidentally put in the wrong gate code to get into my parents neighborhood. The guy who answered was extremely rude and made both her and my daughter cry. I now purposely put in his code every time I visit just to make his phone ring.
me: i’d sell my soul for clear skin.
dermatologist: drink more water.
me: [glaring] i SAID i’d sell my SOUL for clear skin
17 year-old Malia Obama playing beer pong is the most outrageous thing the child of a president has done since George W. Bush invaded Iraq