Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

They’ve got a tiger running loose in Atlanta and I won’t take out the garbage if there’s a moth on the screen door.

“Let’s eat, Pappy.”
Not “Let’s eat Pappy.”
Proof grammar saves lives.

I love how when you walk through a spider web, you all of the sudden know Kung Fu.

Protip: Never take a screenshot with the camera sound on in the restroom at work. You will get strange looks as you exit the stall…

#AmITheOnlyOneWhoEnjoys going to “grodge” sales ?

[looking at flocks of squawking crows]
We have to stop these senseless murders

Every time I wear a suit I hear the same five words. “Will the defendants please rise”

A headhunter on LinkedIn wanted me to apply for a job as a bank manager. That’s quality recruitment work right there. Get the English major to run your bank.

I’m not entirely sure what numbers are. When I buy something, I just hand over an amount of money and hope it’s right.

Not all heroes wear capes.

Me: *brings home new puppy*

My dogs: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE?!

Date: I like to take things slow

Me: *puts stolen turtle on table* Hey, so do I

Today I learned that when getting a pedicure with your wife, don’t tell the salon girl “thanks for the amazing toe job”.

The guy who discovered boomerangs must have been terrified

1 in 5 people are Chinese. Only 5 people in my family, it’s either mom or dad, brother Colin, younger brother Ho Chan. I think it’s Colin.

(Don’t) touch!
(Don’t) scream!
(Don’t) run!
(Don’t) fight!
(Don’t) pee here!
(Don’t) put that in your mouth!

~ Toddler selective hearing

Nobody:

God: Make half of them allergic to spring

I’m gonna open a French fusion hotdog shop and call it:

“Oui-ners”

If you`re not going to help me break into my ex`s house to delete the hysterical message i left on his answerphone,then you`re not my friend

Get in, octopus. We’re gonna open jars and do some taxes.

The grocery store accidentally included chlorine tablets in our order, we don’t have a pool so I guess the kids are getting extra clean in the bath tonight

pete davidson, pete davidfather, pete davidholyghost

This is your pilot speaking. We’ll be taking off shortly once our flight crew confirms that this is, in fact, an airplane

The cake is mightier than the sword.

Jews name their children after their deceased loved ones. This is my son, Healthy Sleep Pattern. He was born on January 21st, 2017.

click on one injured animal rescue video, the algorithm just goes “Oh you like this” & shows you dogs getting run over by lawnmowers forever

Watch The Walking Dead with someone who’s super into it so every time a zombie appears you can pull the old, “Wait, who’s this now?”

Just wanted to let you all know that I have been admitted into hospital and they are keeping me in. I’ve only gone and poisoned myself, thanks to my cooking skills. What I thought was an onion for my salad turned out to be a daffodil bulb. They said I should be out early spring.

I’d walk over cotton balls for you

Word!

Call me so I have your number.
[5 minutes later] Oh.. I have a missed call?