Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Funny how airport security always “randomly” chooses me for physical checking. Even when I’m not even at the airport and chilling at home.

Do the things that bring you joy. Bake cookies. Take walks along the beach at sunset. Drink the blood of your enemies as part of an ancient incantation that opens a portal to the Underworld. Sing like no one can hear you.

i’ve always wanted to be a whistleblower but unfortunately i don’t know anything

[interviewing for job as assassin]
Me: I only have 1 rule
Interviewer: lemme guess. No women or kids
Me: huh? No, I just won’t work weekends

“If you love something, set it free…”

Unless it’s a man…

Cause he’ll get lost…

And you know he won’t ask for directions…

My mom has a rule that we do nothing on Christmas that Jesus didn’t do. Apparently, Jesus drank a pitcher of martinis & hit on the caterer..

Me: *delivers fantastic presentation*
Fish Boss: great work!
Me: thanks for letting MINNOW what you think!
Fish Boss: you’re fired.

Clark Kent: *absentmindedly takes off his glasses*

Lois Lane: oh my god are you … a plane?

*locks hands with stranger in elevator*
im nervous, this is my first time flying

Did my cat write this

not sure if Ambien makes you tweet racist stuff but I can confirm pairing Makers Mark with Hot Pockets at 1AM will make you ‘like’ all of your high school crush’s Facebook photos

i like my men the same way i like my coffee; steadily getting cooler, as i inevitably forget they’re sitting next to me.

Sick and tired of my bank account taking a hit whenever I buy stuff.

Me: You didn’t specify whether you meant “parallel” according to the rules of Euclidean geometry or hyperbolic geometry.

Driving instructor: My bad. Now see if you can back out of this person’s living room.

I just saw someone refer to sexual tension an bangxiety. I’m dead.☠️

Me: gets up, wakes kids, empties dishwasher, makes lunches, helps make kid beds, does kids’ hair, makes breakfast for everyone, showers, makes coffee, does laundry

Hubs:

It’s not a walk of shame if you do the Macarena to your car.

I made a smoothie with oat milk. It was horrible. So next time I will use this recipe:

1.) Take carton of oat milk. Change name on carton to boat milk with sharpie.
2.) Next, float it out to middle of lake.
3.) Last, light it on fire like a Viking funeral.

Just showed my 4 yo niece that I can still do a cartwheel and now she is showing me where the ice packs are.

THE GIRL SCOUTS ANNOUNCED A NEW COOKIE NAMED RASPBERRY RALLY AND IF THEY THINK THEY’RE GOING TO GET ME TO BUY MORE OF THEIR UNHEALTHY, FATTENING COOKIES TO RUIN MY DIET, I’ll take 25 boxes please.

My 6yo’s homework today is learning how to count backwards.

Yep that teacher knows about DUIs alright!

What’s your dream job? Mine’s either falling out of airplanes or giving presentations in my underwear.

how do people have 15 minute naps?? if i’m napping, i’ll sleep through an earthquake and the entire lord of the rings trilogy

Guys, I need a good recipe that will make my guests never come visit again.

Double standard – bear breaks into girl’s house, bear gets shot. Girl breaks into bear’s house, we write a children’s story about it.

“Next time can you make something I like?”

*my kid leaving a review about his school lunch

Pizza Hut: Hello
Me: I’d like a hot dog bites pizzas
PH: Pick up or delivery?
Me: Based on that order, you think I get off the couch?

Does a sunset actually happen if someone doesn’t take a picture of it and post it on Instagram?

My wife just told me 11 more things I do wrong after she said she wasn’t talking to me anymore.

duolingo: he is a boy

me: él es un niño

duolingo: she is a girl

me: ella es una niña

duolingo: can i make it anymore obvious

me: puedo—wait