Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My family using a Ouija board to summon my spirit: “Are you with us? Please, shows us you are here! Wait, it’s moving… o-m-g-w-h-a-t-d-o-y-o-u-w-a-n…”

Meltdowns are what happens when you compartmentalize your thoughts, but forget to label them.

“Let there be one more blade!”-Gillette marketing concepts.

Me: I haven’t tweeted in days.
Wife: Oh no! Hold on…

*opens laptop
*types

Wife: Phew!
Me: What?
Wife: Looks like the Internet survived.

Why do we call them “restrictions,” anyway? Do you look at a life-jacket and think “there’s my drowning restriction”?

There’s a mom at the school pickup with a shirt that says “I don’t always whoomp, but when I do, there it is.” I think I love her

In a survival situation, you can drink your own urine. Fortunately, my Wi-Fi came back on just as I was filling the can.

My teen isn’t feeling well and WebMD says imminent death but Google classroom says imminent math test.

[First day waiting tables]

Customer: do you have wings?

Me: *flaps elbows* no, just regular arms

[Job interview]

Employer: please explain the gap on your resume

Me: what…they were hiring

Every email I ever send: Hello! I am extremely excited to be corresponding with you! You can tell by the number of exclamation points I use! Here is one sentence with a period so that I don’t come across as manic. Thanks!

Friend: She really likes you.

Me: Oh yeah?

Friend: She thinks you hung the moon.

Me: *who has been plotting for years to strangle the moon* Not yet.

HAVING KIDS
• expensive & boring
• they will live with you for 18 years

BEFRIENDING A CROW
• cheap & exciting
• they will bring you gifts
• there is a good chance they will also be willing to do crimes for you

My mom told me not to cry wolf, but it was too late.Wolves were pouring out of my tear ducts, filling the kitchen and adjoining living room.

Dog tried taking me for a run. I wasn’t having it. I made her drag me the whole time.

I’m not saying my kids undermine my authority, mainly because they’ve not given me permission to.

I passed out in an alley last night and woke up being initiated into a raccoon street gang.

Me: Hey, do you wanna play Nintendo?

Dad: Actually that’s a Super Nintendo, it’s the newer version improved in practically every way.

Me Got it.

Dad: Where’s mom?

Me: Visiting Super Dad.

My kid invented a game but told me it was too complicated and I wouldn’t understand. Reader, he is throwing a stuffed animal repeatedly in the air and catching it

Moaning faced neighbour has moved so we’ve finally got the balls back she refused to send back. Just the TWENTY THREE of them!!!

I got the scar above my lip from *my time in prison.

*When my coffee mug launched itself out of my cupboard before work.

Just watched a vid about the benefits of couples vacationing together and I’m wondering how I missed the train where couples vacationed separately.

A friend described me as a ‘no maintenance’ type

And I have no idea whether to be happy or offended

Whoever came up with the idea of pills for cats never met a cat

If anyone deserves an Oscar, it’s me for nodding and pretending to understand the directions you’re explaining to me when I know I’m going to use Google Maps regardless

You know that one cow in the field that’s like 200 yards away from all his cow friends just doing his own thing? That’s me. I am that cow.

When the rapture happens at a midwestern nondenominational church.

“You are what you eat.”

I’m about 90% burrito.

Friend gave me a ‘stress’ ball to squeeze when I’m tense. Did what I always do when nervous, I ate it.

Sorry neighbor who’s choking to death, my cat’s resting his little head on my leg.

This, like, never happens.