[Listening to a song from the 70s]
Singer: I love you, girl
Me: He means girl like a woman
Singer: Yes I love you, little girl
Me: I guess he means like late teens
Singer: You’re just a child, so young, little girl
Me: Oh no
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Do you need to go peepee?
-No
Are you sure?
-Yes
How bout you try?
-No
Ook, goodnight*as soon as I relax*
-MOM HELP I’M PEEPING MY PANTS!
Leonardo DiCaprio playing me in the movie of my life, but in the scene where I’m watching Titanic, it’s me playing him.
In a world of sugar daddies, be a pasta uncle. (I don’t know what this means, I just really want pasta right now.)
When I was little I would sit with my grampy and we would look out the window together. He would give me sips of his beer and sugar cubes.
Related: I’m now an alcoholic race horse.
ME: We left the kids at their grandparents
FRIEND: Date night?
ME: No we just don’t like them anymore
Him: He’s just not the sharpest tool in the shed.
Her: Nah! He’s more like a shed with absolutely no tools.
I like “found family” over “chosen family” because it makes it sound like I discovered them under a rock. like bugs. or worms
Bugs have antennas so they can get a few local channels for free
THE EXORCIST (1973) An incompetent priest botches a routine case.
Stallone: I’m making a movie about composers. I’m playing Beethoven.
Van Damme: I’ll be Mozart.
Schwarzenegger: Stop it guys, I’m not saying it.
Me: Hi, I’d like to make an appointment for a bath.
Petsmart employee: Sure, what’s your dog’s name?
Me: Dog?
local police are looking for a peeping tom, I’m heading over to pick up an application
Apparently “my brain hurts” isn’t a legit reason to leave work early
I can help anyone quit smoking by spraying them with hair spray as they light their cigarette.
My husband wants me to do a dry January which I have no problem with. I’m on my second bottle of chardonnay right now
Bananas either ripen in 2 hours or 2 weeks there is no in between
Shank you.
– a prison flick…or a grateful Sean Connery
[in the park]
ME: aww look a baby
WIFE: is it on me?!
ME: um no it’s in a stroll-
WIFE: *swatting herself* I FEEL LIKE IT’S ON ME
Just got added to a list called “people.” Glad I made that cut.
Jesus, take the wheel!
*steering wheel disappears*
*car careens into tree*
Daughter: Daddy, did you know that our blood is blue in the veins but it only turns red when it hits oxygen?
Me: *turns to wife* This is what happens when you teach her stuff.
Saying “sounds good to me” in a meeting then quickly realising a lot more was expected from you.
Before you get on the elliptical next to me, just know that I’m an ugly crier.
Kids today don’t know how easy they have it. When I was young, I had to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change the TV channel.
ME: i trained my cat to talk
HER: let’s see
ME: name an object pronoun
CAT: me-
ME: what do u I say when I’m hurt
CAT: -ow
HER: this sucks
ME: patience
CAT: we’re just getting started, Linda
9: Whatcha watching?
Me: Tiny Houses.
9: Wow it’s tiny! Who’s gonna live there?
Me: Two people.
9: Are they married?
Me: Not for long.
I think Newton was actually hit by pigeon shit when he discovered gravity.. Falling of apple was just a ‘dignified’ cover up…!!
Young coworker: You gotta check out Marshmello and the Weeknd!
Me: Nah, I don’t enjoy camping.
Me: Will you please just SHUT UP!
Brain: Well damn, don’t come running to me when you forget how to spell CAT.