Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You know you spend too much time online when you’re looking for a suitcase to pack for a vacation with your girlfriend only to find out she took it when she moved out.

Revenge is a dish best served by cutting a sandwich horizontally instead of diagonally

I live in fear that one day the real “World’s Greatest Dad” is going to show up to reclaim his rightful mug.

im not paying that much money for ppl to watch me kiss someone im sorry u must be out of ur mind. $15 take it or leave it

When I was a kid, my mum used to run a dating site for chickens. She did whatever she could to make hens meet.

We can play Yahtzee again.
-You fixed the broken dice?
Yeah. And they’ll never break again.
-How do you know?
*grins*
Die mends are forever.

Her: Do you ever listen to a word I say?!

Me: Sounds like a plan.

If you think my tweets are strange you should hear the squirrel’s side of the conversation.

Chefs seem obsessed with removing more and more of the original structure of foods:

Salmon mousse
Basil foam
Strawberry dust
Parmesan air

Where does it end?

Venison déjà vu
A memory of broccoli
A vicious rumour about carrots

I thought my coworker said they worked for the FBI and even though I know it wasn’t actually FBI it still is in my head and I’m rethinking every conversation I’ve ever had with them and am awaiting my arrest for crimes I have not committed

I tried a non-alcoholic beer last night and I think I have discovered what my favorite ingredient in beer is.

Friend: I get my kids to eat their vegetables by making up cute names like ‘caulipower’ and ‘broccoli trees’.

Me: I get my sons to eat their vegetables by saying, “Eat your damn vegetables.”

4k tvs? no thanks i only need one

I’m pretending to be a hot girl on Tinder so I can match with my roomate and tell him I’m coming over so he’ll clean the apartment.

What if Waldo isn’t actually hiding, and he’s just photo bombing all of those pictures?

Me: How would you feel about me dating a guy only 7 years older than you?

My Son, then 18: Depends. What kind of video game system does he own? Will he let me borrow it?

Me:

My Son: Does he own a motorcycle & will he let me drive it?

Me:

My Son: Can I call him “New Dad”?

My 11-year-old is talking about what she wants her future house to look like and I’m pretty sure she is describing a zoo.

Damn boy, are you leftover pizza in the fridge? Because I’ve been thinking about you all night…

Wile E Coyote: I can’t get rid of this headache
*TNT explodes*
*anvil drops on his head*
*bus flattens him*
Dr: it’s probably stress-related

Why is it when you take a break from Twitter everyone assumes you’re happy and in love…
Maybe I was in jail.

I’m fairly certain that watching paint dry & waiting for a pot to boil take less time than anything a 3yo insists they will do without help.

My husband and I are having a Fitbit competition, so every day when he leaves for work I attach mine to our dog. I’m averaging 25,438 steps a day.

Im wearing a chefs coat and a stoned guy thanked me for my service. You are welcome, my brother

JESUS: Happy Father’s Day, Joe.
[hands over present]

JOSEPH: Wow, thanks Jesus. I wonder what it-
[present is empty]

[Jesus and God hi-5]

You can’t force me to watch your ads. YouTube. I will look away and plug my ears

Someone told me they don’t wear a mask cuz their nose is too big. Give me a break. I wear underwear.

i’m the girl your mom warned you about… long nails, big eyes, purple tongue, green skin. i’m reptar. i’m reptar from rugrats.

HER: Shake what your momma gave you!
ME: *Tosses around crippling anxiety and male pattern baldness*

3: I know what’s keeping me awake

Me: What?

3: The air

Me: Oh good, I was worried it was something I wouldn’t be able to fix

“Sorry, but none of my clothes fit today.” My date nods, and politely avoids looking at my towel and safety pins.