Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My dad wrote me an unusually sweet and detailed text about how proud he is of me and my accomplishments and it’s so nice to see that even at his age he’s learned how to use ChatGPT

her: HELP ME! I’m bleeding out!
me: Not on my watch you aren’t!
her: Oh, my hero! Thank you!
me [tucking watch in pocket] Huh?

Me: The floor is lava!

Satan: Yes! We just had it redone. It used to be legos. Nice, right?

The first 7 days of the week aren’t for me

interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume

me: yes that’s when i didn’t have a job

i love corporate logic because a company will fire an entire newsroom full of award-winning journalists to spare the $500k salary of a guy in a corner office whose title is like Senior Vice President of Bad Decision-Making

If you see someone wearing camouflage, make sure to walk right into them so they know it’s working.

SHOW ME A PHOTO OF YOUR INFANT I WILL SHOW YOU 20 OF MY CAT

Me: I’m gonna put a note in our son’s lunchbox

Wife: Aw that’s nice

[Later]
Son *reading* sorry I ate your sandwich

[shopping on full stomach] bread, eggs, milk

[shopping on empty stomach] cookies, chips, a taco truck, a pizza shop, an ice cream factory

Writing advice: Write well, not badly. Keep writing until the book is finished. After you’re finished, get the book published. Sell a lot of copies, not just a few.

Whenever I tell her that I want to put my Butterfinger into her MilkyWay, she Snickers.

Me: I’m surprised at how winded I am after this exercise.

Trainer: this was the tour of the gym…

me: [banging head on wall]
wife: honey is something wrong
me: [sobbing] I’M A SHITTY WOODPECKER

My mom when I was a kid:

“Never talk to strangers.”

“Never get in their cars.”

Me to my future kids:

“Here’s how to order an Uber.”

3 introduced me to a new game he calls “It’s Mine” he hands you an object and when you say “thank you” he grabs it back and yells “that’s mine”

1/5 stars, do not recommend, but honestly it’s not the worst game he’s made up

Who called it a one night stand and not a humpty dumpty?

Best friend, helping me dig a hole: so tell me again what happened?

Me: he came home to me sitting on the couch after I spent the entire day cleaning the house and said, ‘you’re just where I left you.’

Me: I just souped up my car
Person: What kind of engine did you put in it?
*cut to me filling my car with tomato soup*
Me: Um… A fast one.

Saying “I’m practicing social distancing”

-everyone doing it
-not very exciting
-no variety

Exclaiming “keep your hands off me good sir!”

-classy
-are you a character in a victorian novel?
-implies someone would want to touch you

Therapist: don’t take things personally
Me: [literally a conscious being that experiences life from a first-person perspective] ok I’ll try

hamburger doesn’t need your help.

Meeting with a realtor to sell my moms house:

Realtor: What’s best about this area?
Mom: My sisters are close by.
Realtor: I meant, why would someone want to live here?
Mom: It’s better than being homeless.
Realtor:
Mom: And my sisters are really nice.

Wait for it

[SPELLING BEE]
JUDGE: Bourgeoisie
ME: Really? W o w
JUDGE: *annoyed* Sir, the word is Bourgeoisie
ME:*clears throat* Eff – U – See – Kay – U

I think my favorite sammich is ice cream

I’m southern, healthy eating to me is having my potatoes mashed and not fried

Can’t. Too busy being force-fed teething crackers by my 1yo daughter.

Monopoly gave me unrealistic expectations of how easy it would be to:
1) Find free parking
2) Join the property ladder
3) Buy my way out of prison
4) Get bank errors in my favour
5) Steal money from banks when no-one was looking