Listening to classical music while in the bath makes me feel like a mobster.
A mobster who will die in some spectacular fashion.
You Might Also Like
My safe word is “I WANT YOUR BABIES”
Me: Ask me no questions and I’ll tell you no lies.
Minister: That’s not really appropriate for wedding vows.
“I wouldn’t worry if I were you” – Translation: I’m not worried because I’m not you
9yo: Dad, how come you’re so good at Mario Kart but so bad at driving your car?
Me: Go to your room.
Me: I could never be a lawyer. Too many details to remember
Also me: [argument w/bf] I’d like to bring the defendant’s attention to Argument Transcript B: article 5, section 2; subsection 2(c) CLEARLY shows defendant made the waitress laugh, THRICE, at dinner last Saturday night
People think it’s funny when I tell them not to tickle me or I’ll pee. But they don’t laugh when the tickling has ended and the pee continues. “She’ll ruin all the furniture!” one cries. “Why is she still smiling?!” screams another.
Me: Heeeeyyyyyy Judy, good morning!
*scratches Judy’s back, wiping off my Cheeto fingers*
Judy: Hi!!! How are y…..
Me: *walks away*
[after winning scratch off ticket]
*makes it rain 3-ply toilet paper*
Just killed a cricket at work, and, long story short, I’m now being asked to audition for Riverdance.
I live in fear of the day my kid asks “where’s all my other drawings?”
Do you know where my mexican hat is?
– It’s somewhere bro..
Fine…a sombrero, but what I’m asking is have you seen it?
“Please pre-register for your doctor appointment online, so we can ask you the same 57 questions when you get here.”
Dig one moat around your house and everyone’s all “you’re being unreasonable” and “where did you get the alligators”
me *sneezes*
cw: Bless you
me *sneezes*
cw: Allergies?
[flashback to me snorting pepper because my kid dared me to]
me: Yeah, I guess so
embracing tradition. boyfriend just went to dunkin (hunter) as i sit in bed finding funny tik-toks to show him later (gatherer)
me: my friend died in her sleep 🙁
my grandpa: back in my day we walked uphill 10 miles before we died
The huge spider I bravely killed for my wife turned out to be a piece of thread. I’m not telling her.
I would be morbidly obese if food for thought was an actual thing.
No thanks Olive Garden, the last place I wanna eat is somewhere that treats me like family.
Remember, you can always call your senator and leave a bloodcurdling scream.
I was raised to be humble which I excel at cause I excel at everything.
Trump wants to ban Muslims but if we learned anything from Prohibition it’s that people will just make Muslims in their bathtubs.
Nobody talks about Dumbo anymore…
He’s irrelephant
I’m not like other girls. I am Mothman.
[Airplane]
Me (pointing excitedly) “Hey honey! Look at those people down there. They look like ants!”
My wife (whispering): “Shh. What are you talking about? We haven’t even taken off yet”
Half-human/half-ant family at the back of the plane (muttering): “What a rude man”
It’s not illegal to get in a taxi and scream until you’ve reached your destination.
public defender: if we get the wooden hammer away from the judge we win
Following politics is fun cuz it combines the entertainment of reality TV with the thrill of possibly dying in real life
*walking into Home Depot for 2nd time today*
EMPLOYEE: back again? forget something?
ME: um, you remember if I brought a kid in here with me last time?
Reminder that April is Procrastination Awareness Month. It’s finally my time to shine…
Aw beans