@tesselatrix

Listening to classical music while in the bath makes me feel like a mobster.

A mobster who will die in some spectacular fashion.

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@daddydoubts

Wife: Do you think something is wrong with our toddler?

Me: Yeah but to be fair I think something is wrong with EVERY toddler.

@dadofbieber

Noses are red, violets are blue. It ain’t love
darling, you got flu.

@Douchekevin

At church they said the number of the beast is 666, but I stood up and said that’s not my wifes phone number at all.

She’s zero fun today

@Reverend_Scott

[funeral]
He looks so natural.
Ya, but he looks a little stiff.
*raises from the dead*
“That’s what… *gargle* …she said.”
*dies again*

@bea_ker

Hey man, settle an argument for me?
“Sure”
[handing him a sword] Great, he’s just in there

@ClichedOut

nurse *hands me a urine specimen cup* the bathroom’s over there

[5 minutes later]

me: *gives her the empty cup* i didn’t need this, there was a toilet

@lisaxy424

*makes plans with someone*

(30 seconds later) what have I done

@mstluvstrinkets

Got fast food so many times this week that when mcd’s asked me to pull out front to wait for my order, I was expecting an intervention.

@TheCatWhisprer

REPORTER: *asks question*
POLITICIAN: that’s a great question and thank you for asking it *answers a different question*

@JUSTLisandra

Having my wisdom teeth pulled.

They have nothing left to teach me.

I must learn on my own from now on.