Listening to classical music while in the bath makes me feel like a mobster.

A mobster who will die in some spectacular fashion.

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Wife: Do you think something is wrong with our toddler?

Me: Yeah but to be fair I think something is wrong with EVERY toddler.


Noses are red, violets are blue. It ain’t love
darling, you got flu.


At church they said the number of the beast is 666, but I stood up and said that’s not my wifes phone number at all.

She’s zero fun today


He looks so natural.
Ya, but he looks a little stiff.
*raises from the dead*
“That’s what… *gargle* …she said.”
*dies again*


Hey man, settle an argument for me?
[handing him a sword] Great, he’s just in there


nurse *hands me a urine specimen cup* the bathroom’s over there

[5 minutes later]

me: *gives her the empty cup* i didn’t need this, there was a toilet


*makes plans with someone*

(30 seconds later) what have I done


Got fast food so many times this week that when mcd’s asked me to pull out front to wait for my order, I was expecting an intervention.


REPORTER: *asks question*
POLITICIAN: that’s a great question and thank you for asking it *answers a different question*


Having my wisdom teeth pulled.

They have nothing left to teach me.

I must learn on my own from now on.