Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My 12 year old can explain the difference between a sociopath and a psychopath.

I think about that a lot when I’m trying to get to sleep.

Every so often, someone in the know has a momentary lapse in judgment, and you get a glimpse of what geopolitics in the 21st century is actually like.
This is one of the most illuminating tweets ever in that regard:

Men’s jeans: We have 1000 sizes. What is your waist? What is your height? Where are your hips?

Women’s jeans: We have two sizes, Chickpea and Sycamore

I hate people who hold grudges, but not as much as I hate my high school German teacher.

My new toaster is making me agree to an updated user agreement before giving me my bread back.

Waiter: would you like another drink before I bring you the check?

Me: holy shit how bad is it?!

Adam and Eve were the first people to agree to the Apple terms and conditions without reading them.

Friend: I heard you survived a heart attack

Me: Yeah. I owe my life to the big man upstairs

Fat Larry: *shouting from upstairs* You’re welcome

I always say “I was wondering when you’d find me” when I get in my car. That way if someone’s ever in the backseat I’ll look cool as shit.

If someone brought me coffee right now I would follow them around like an imprinted baby bird forever.

A Norwegian version of the idiom “like a fish out of water” translates to “like a Dane on skis.” And an old Norwegian phrase for someone sneaking out of a party without saying bye is “making a Swede of oneself.” Conversely, a Finnish euphemism for vomiting is “speaking Norwegian”

Wife: You should cut the grass.
Me: Yes, dear.
W: And, you really need to trim that bush.
M: *mumbles* Yeah, you too.
W: What?
M: Yes, dear.

pretty cool how no matter what’s going on in the world, a teenager in a Metallica shirt will always look the same no matter what year it is.

purposely bought tall lace up boots so I’ll never have to be anywhere on time again

My toddler woke me up last night to tell me it wasn’t morning yet, which to be honest is the same level of hard hitting journalism cable news provides.

Ever been in the middle of writing a great tweet and think, did I just run someone over?

“This year sucked, next year will suck too.” Enough negativity, let’s hear something aspirational. In 2024 we will put all tik tok content creators in jail

FIRST TIME MOM: Hush little baby don’t say a word.

BABY: {saying first word} Mama.

FIRST TIME MOM: [makes note on clipboard] Doesn’t follow directions yet.

Neighbor’s garden looking so good, I have peonies envy.

Cartoons were better when people got anvils dropped on them and accidentally smoked dynamite like cigars.

uber needs to start showing pictures of drivers’ cars rather than their model name… does it look like i know what a nissan sentra expecto patronum excel spreadsheet 2008 is

The most unbelievable thing on TV is when a killer is in the house and someone hides in empty space under the bed. You mean to tell me you’re not keeping 6 storage bins, three rolls of Christmas wrapping paper, and a box of old papers under there

My family asked me what I wanted for Mother’s Day, so I packed their bags and changed the locks.

*watching TV*

*pours bowl of Grape-Nuts*

*turns on closed captions*

“And the Oscar for Best Actress goes to…..Beyoncé?”

*Kanye slowly sits down*

Me: *flirts*

Anyone watching:

Me teaching Wilderness Survival Class:

“OK EVERYBODY WATCH CAREFULLY AS I DRIVE *AWAY* FROM THE WILDERNESS.”

*wife offers me a sip of her water*
m: Am I gonna catch what you have?
w: No
m:
w:
m: Are you sur-
w: You’re not going to get my period!

I like to confuse people who give me the finger by responding with jazz hands.

me: what are you going to be when you grow up?

5: beautiful.