(listening to “How to save a life” by The Fray) please hurry.
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My six year old lost a tooth. I left a note instead of money “too dirty.” He has been brushing that one tooth all day. Lesson unlearned
“Whoa! Hey there, buddy, leave me out of it. This has got nothing to do with me.”
– The Horse You Rode In On
Whats this kids eat free bullshit. When was the last time you saw a 4 year old pick up the lunch tab??They always eat free
Movies taught me that, when you place a small sentimental item in someone’s hand, you also have to close their hand for them.
asking my dentist if i can just drop my teeth off and pick them up when they’re ready
Me: *humming the Jaws theme song*
My gynecologist: can you not?
Messaging my hair person to make an appointment for sometime in the week and finding out they are now based in the UK….
I just stared when my neighbor asked if the heavy bag (filled with cat litter) I was carrying out to the trash bin contained body parts.
Therapist was right, stress balls are helpful, I’ve been throwing them at people all day and never felt better.
* Grows beard to woo women *
* Receives recruitment email from ISIS *
windshields shouldn’t exist. if god intends for a f450 to kick up a rock on the highway that busts my skull into 7 pieces. if that’s how im meant to die. who the hell is kia to stop god
One of the more important commas I’ve seen in a long time…
I bet the first person to see leaves grow back on trees after winter was like “well that’s a releaf”
Me to anyone else: “it’s in that cabinet”
Me to my husband:
“it’s in the upper cabinet next to the fridge on the left at eye level. It’s bright green. It’s right there. IT’S RIGHT THERE”
[Elon Musk sees a homeless guy]
“Oh no, this is terrible. I simply must use my vast wealth to address this problem”
[2 weeks later]
“I have invented sunglasses that make homeless people invisible so that rich people don’t have to see them”
wife: I wish you’d quit breaking wind at the dinner table
me: *judo chopping the air* champions are always training
Him- I saw you over here sipping your wine.
Me- You clearly have me mistaken for another very attractive woman, because I don’t sip wine.
*calls hotel front desk*
“Hi is the stuff in the mini bar free?”
No sir, you will be billed for any-
“Someone robbed my mini bar”
“I am doing well.” – Russian man having sex with a well
You never forget your first kiss. Or your first meeting with HR.
I just like to keep my options open
-me, setting six alarms on my phone
We just joined a gym and they asked me to pick a 4 digit member number and I opened my mouth and my husband said, “I stg if you use your bank pin.”
I was, in fact, going to use my bank pin💀
“I ate thoup before it wath cool.”
– Hipthter
A funny thing happened on the way to my potential.
Me: “My wish is have a nice quiet retirement in a little house by the water.”
Genie:
Him: I don’t think we should drink while we do yard work anymore
Me: *powerwashing the lawn* why not
I’ve never watched The Bachelor but I have been to a bar.
Remember, if you get dumped, it’s only because they’re looking for someone sexier and more attractive. It has NOTHING to do with you.
Bored? Sneak a dog into the movies and loudly explain the plot to the dog