Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Went to a seminar on passive aggressiveness, and someone was in my seat, but it’s ok, I sat next to them, on the floor for the rest of the session

I’m sorry that you invited me over to your apartment for dinner and I created a negative Yelp review about the experience

LOL, Investigation Discovery, for assuming your victim was murdered at night just because she’s wearing pajamas.

I’m going to take up vaping because I am tired of people taking me seriously.

*spraaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaays Axe body spray*

~ guys with ponytails

Man sheep: thanks for coming out tonight.

Lady sheep: *blushing* thanks for asking me.

Man sheep: *opening door* you’re going to love this place. It’s All Ewe Can Eat.

i will not close my account until the sport of golf is rightfully named “golfball” like the other ball sports

Alfijnbahkfnbsbbakrbbjdnebzk hzueonyvag macarena yrvixndvwhkga ndhwkdbcbe hayvektoubabrjnahor

HEYYYY MACARENA

[At the ferret store]
I’ll take five of those furry slinkys

Me: would you trade me for a younger woman?
H: oh honey age doesn’t matter! I’d trade for someone who doesn’t talk through the game.

They say genius skips a generation.In our case it fell off our family tree and died.

Me: Please drink your milk.
Me: Please drink your milk.
Me: Don’t forget about your milk.
Me: Have you drank your milk?
Me: Drink. Your. Milk.
3: Yuck, this milk is warm.

If I were Noah, I’d bring 3 of every animal just to create some drama.

Always 🥴

one time on mushrooms i decided i should be living off nuts & seeds like a little squirrel, so I went to Whole Foods and blew my whole paycheck on nuts & seeds. then all week I had no money and DID have to live off nuts & seeds, and let me tell you I WAS SO WRONG. it sucked

EVERY MOVIE TRAILER NOW:

We hear a single piano key play.

A shot of a basketball court at dusk.

Sally Field [V.O.] “Your grandfather was…complicated. There’s a lot you don’t know, can’t understand.”

A children’s choir starts singing “In the Air Tonight” by Phil Collins.

I made a new rule at dinner tonight.

Every time my kids complained about my cooking, I gave them an extra helping.

It was the quietest meal we’ve had in months.

Saw “45 mins” at the top of a food blog and at this point I just assume that’s how long it will take me to get to the actual recipe

me: what’s your favorite book

her: I love 1984

me: just pick one

BREAKING NEWS: Today I used a piece of wood that I kept in my garage since 2006 in case I might need it.

i can’t stop writing holiday rom com synopses so i guess i’ll just continue doing it until my hands fall off

If I had a dollar for every time I’ve woken up in the planetarium, naked except for a clown wig, hungover, next to a dead cat and the shocked stares of a third grade field trip, I’d have…

*counts*

…twelve dollars.

(Don’t you judge me.)

ME: I got pizza sauce on my mouse. I need a new one.
IT DEPARTMENT: You should just be able to wipe it off.
ME: Too late, I ate it.

Beauty and the Beast

Website: you must be of legal age to view this content. What year were you born?

Me at age 11 (playing it safe): 1753

Kids insults are great. My youngest told my oldest “If your clothes were any tighter, you’d look like a wiener dog”

The book I checked out of the library is so stained and gross, it looks like someone used it recently to deliver a foal.

the most dangerous dog breed is probably the Crime Lab

Government: You can flee Athens as an exile, or you can die.

Socrates: Oh ok I’ll just die

Government: You can just like… go move somewhere else.

Socrates: Yeah, but packing :-/