Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sure, there are plenty of fish in the sea, but they won’t have sex with you either.

DENTIST: I need to test how sensitive you are

ME: Ok

DENTIST: You have a stupid haircut

ME *lip starts trembling*

DENTIST: I see

I like to put up Christmas decorations in stages. This is the stage where I sit on the couch with lasagna and stare at the boxes.

[Meeting friends baby]
Me: [bouncing him on my knee] he’s a big boy isn’t he
Friend: yeah he was 11 pounds
Me: wow that’s cheap

Do you people like your catfish battered and deep fried?

my niece thought her math teacher said “length, width, and death” so shes been runnin around all day screamig “THE THIRD DIMENSION IS DEATH”

Liquidity is the only difference between soup, stew and a casserole. There, I said it.

My ex boyfriend was into two types of women:

1) Me
2) My Best Friend

i would not return the monkeys, I would simply inexplicably have 43 new ugly little children

Ate a healthy dinner, so I’m having pringles for dessert.

MOM ITS NOT A DOLLHOUSE IM PRETENDING TO BE A GIANTE THATS TERRORIZING A FAMILY GOSH *waits for mom to leave* and im makig them have tea

My mood ring just jumped into the trash compactor.

ANYTHING can be considered your job if you hate it enough.

At the urinal in an I-95 rest stop bathroom:

Siri’s voice (from my back pocket): Turn left.

Man to the left of me: Please don’t.

At the International League of Assassins

Me: Do you guys have a summer internship or is it mostly “on the job” training?

Men eventually reach the age when they greet each other with “There he is.”

Heard a young person say that if you’re over 40, your bedtime should be before 10. I was immediately offended until I realized mine is 9:45

Crabs always look like they’re walking themselves out of an awkward situation.

HAD LOTS OF ESPRESSO. TWEETING FROM THE MOON. I LIVE HERE NOW. IT IS NOT MADE OUT OF CHEESE.

1 OUT OF 5 STARS: NOT RECOMMENDED

I’m only grabbing fast food to refill my napkin collection in the car.

Fig Newton sounds like the name or a British popstar from the 70s.

Before towels were invented people rubbed themselves against the carpet.

Running your mouth is not cardio.

Men think us women dream of finding the perfect man when really, all we want is to eat anything without getting fat.

dinner should come out of a hose in the kitchen at a specific time each day and it’s coming out whether you’re there to catch it or not

Random Company: “Why would you like to work for our company?”

Me: “Well sir/madam, I’ve grown very fond of eating and having a roof over my head and I don’t want to lose that.”

In the year 2065, old men will say ‘bae’

Me: *gets in pool* Come on in.

4-year-old: No, there might be sharks.

Me:

4:

Me:

4:

Me: *gets out of pool*