listening to jazz: do any of them know what the other ones are playing
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[first day as doctor]
me: you haven’t been getting enough sleep
patient: how can you tell?
me: *tapping x-ray* no spiders
music journalism is simply finding a thousand ways of saying ‘good and also catchy’
I’m tired of the grind and have decided to seek romantic comedy employment. Currently searching postings for high paying positions in a whimsical book shop.
Every Monday I say to myself, “Jim…you need to go on a diet and stop eating doughnuts.” Luckily, I am not Jim.
Jesus must’ve had a fortune if he paid for all my sins
Me right now holding my cough in because we have a guest and I’m already in my pj’s and in bed so I’m really not available to go to the living room to say hello and I don’t want the guest to hear me cough
If you run through an airport yelling “Marybeth I love you don’t go!” then you can cut through so many lines of people who like romance.
I get my dopamine the old fashioned way, by practicing my signature with your last name
Me: …so long story short, what I’m saying is, it either has to be a talking goat, OR a monkey who doesn’t talk, but understands my every word.
Genie: That’s it, no more wishes for you
That awkward moment when someone asks you “who do you like to listen to?” and you forget every band in history.
Me: “Guys, we are leaving in 5 minutes.”
7yo: “Do I need to wear shoes?”
Me: “Yes.”
[4 minutes later]
7yo: “What about pants?”
men invented arm wrestling so they could hold hands and look in each other’s eyes
How is the medicine expired already? I only bought it *checks notes* 9 years ago.
If not now, then when? If not you, then who?
— the pile laundry on my loveseat begging me to fold it
doctor: are you sexually active?
me: buddy, i’m not even regularly active
Cobra Kai: sweep the leg!
Cobra: the what
TRANSLATORS: we’re done, sire. 7 years. Every last word painstakingly translated into English.
KING JAMES I: call it the King James Bible
Me ignoring red flags and clinging to toxic relationships because I’m a silly goose
Dental office: Your husband had two teeth pulled this morning, so he’s going to need a ride home.
Me: Ok, how’s next week for you?
Filming myself playing the violin like it’s a cello to catfish the giant community
If you read enough tweets you can tell the approximate time the tweeter switched from coffee to alcohol
I dread doing laundry as if I didn’t have a machine that washes the clothes for me and another that dries them for me, as I do nothing
So unfortunately my Mom membership was revoked because they found out I’ve never arranged to have my family’s picture taken in a field of wheat or wildflowers.
[first line of my romance novel] her eyes, they looked like they watched netflix
Nature Fact: baby bears are born with fur because a mother bear can’t bear to bear a bare bear
Met a hot girl in the bar.
She said if I give her 500 bucks she’ll show me a real good time. So I gave her 500 bucks and she ran 100 meters in 12 seconds.
This made me chuckle.
just gave your address to some spiders
Person: What are you doing?
Me: Looking at owl callers. It’s skunk mating season. I want to discourage them from my yard. Owls are their predators. I COULD use an owl call but it’s also OWL mating season. I could end up with A LOT of owls
P: You win weirdest problem of the day
If you want an honest opinion about your hair, FaceTime your mom, and don’t ask her for it.