Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

the funniest possible response to someone saying they were a gifted kid is to be like “really?”

Fitness influencer: It’s important to listen to your body.

Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.

Confuse people by affixing “but not necessarily at this juncture” to the end of each sentence.

Strange things: the prequel

Stranger things

2 Stranger 2 Things

Strangest Threengs

Strangfour th4ngs

5tranger Thing5

Stranger Things 6: Tokyo Drift

Wait, what’s that noise?
Is there a dying cat outside?
Oh…no…it’s just a 50 yr old man racing a remote control car down the road.

I know I joke a lot on my posts, but on a serious note, I need everyone to wish me luck…

I have a meeting at the bank later and if it’s a success, I will be out of debt and own everything I have now.

I’m so excited I can barely put on my ski mask…

A book commits suicide every time you watch a reality show.

frodo threw my serotonin into mount doom.

Wife: Been a long time since we went on a vacation.

Me: Great idea. Where do you wanna go?

Wife: Some place romantic. Paris.

Me: Ok. And I’ll go to Thailand.

urinal cakes? what’s next? urinal muffins and cookies? urinal brownies? urinal tarts? an entire unexplored world out there

*signs into Skype meeting with very important clients*

*tries to sound incredibly intelligent*

*gets attacked by moth*

*falls off chair*

[Block Party]

Me: The Johnsons brought hotdogs.

Host: Just toss them on the fire.

[Later]

Host: Why are the hotdogs still frozen?

Me: Good news! We won’t have to worry about the Johnsons playing loud music at night!

Kid 1: Hurt my elbow
School Nurse: Here’s an ice pack

K2: *fever*
SN: Ice pack

K3: *diarrhea*
SN: Ice pack

K4: *decapitated*
SN: Ice pack

waiter: any water for the table

me: [to date] does he not know trees die when you cut them down or

The hardest part of potty training my puppy is shitting outside with him so he can learn how to

My kid gave me 75 cents for being her mom, so either we need to work on math or I’m a really shitty parent

Ughh…7 more hours till I can go home. Oh, sorry, my Canadian friends…7 more Kilometers till I can go home. Or is it liters?

[Thanksgiving dinner]
WIFE: These potatoes are burnt to a crisp
ME: Those are for tomorrow
WIFE: Because…tomorrow is Bla-
ME: Black Fry Day

My son couldn’t remember his head injury from the other day. That’s either a very good sign or a very bad sign.

After Jaws, I wouldn’t go in water. After the Godfather, I wouldn’t eat at Italian restaurants. I wish I’d seen the Omen before having kids.

I wish I had the confidence of someone publicly donning a cloak

alexa, make my husband understand me like your amazon targeted ads do

My kid wants to earn money to go on a pricey school trip next year and asked if the tooth fairy gives money for other body parts.

You read for a part, you feel good about it, you feel confident, then they cast Ben Affleck.

i kicked the back of her seat ONE time

My husband said we should have a ‘date night’

I wonder why he didn’t like it when I introduced him to my date? Husbands, go figure.

“Strap in ladies, it’s going to be a bumpy ride,” I say as I put on my extra supportive sports bra before my workout.

i hate when you have to gather 30 of some random item to complete a quest. like when the laundromat’s $7.50 washing machine is quarters only

We need to invent a rectangular fruit now that the banana is no longer an accurate representation of the phone-shape. Lotta my bits don’t make sense anymore.

Her: hey handsome, why don’t you give me your number…

Me: …because I still need it.