Listening to music and explicit lyrics play.
In my 20s: *turns song up and sings along loudly with it*
In my 40s: *changes song* Do they have to cuss so much?
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the hamster has finally figured out her wheel. is it possible for her to exercise too much? should I take the wheel out sometimes? I’m worried she’s about to start a fitness instagram
4 year old: Why is this stuffed animal here? My bed’s only for unicorns
Me: It’s a triceratops. He’s like a triple unicorn. Totally cool
4 year old: He’s just a stupid dinosaur, put him away
Me: Unicorns are fake they’re bullshit
is it considered a threesome if i jack off with both hands?
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: *pretending I’m asleep so he has to carry me up to my bed*
COP: Oh dang
Well it’s been a week and I’ve already f’ed things up so here’s to 2025
Yup….perfect score!
40% of my vocabulary consists of words that I inventaciously creatified.
*watches him dance*
*whispers* I’ve made a huge mistake.
When your man makes a valid point
I’m gonna start giving bad news to people in that cute, high pitched voice I use to talk to kids and dogs.
Star Wars films are like my wives – we don’t talk about the first 3
Even in my early 20’s, I was diagnosed with late stage 40’s.
Based on my hair this morning . I think I might be a muppet .
I just accidentally uploaded this instead of my invoice on a company’s invoicing portal and I can’t delete it
i prefer mine room temperature.
My birth control is my 5yo running around in circles at 5am screaming “I have so much energy! I have so much energy! I have so much energy!”
Liking bad movies is silly and endearing but liking bad music is grounds for euthanasia
My dog has been looking for a spot to shit since 1958.
If the kids can eat chocolate eggs for breakfast, that means I can have Bailey’s in my coffee, right?
Went jogging and came back after 2 minutes because I forgot something.
Forgot Im out of shape and can only jog for 2 minutes.
They should have to tell you that there will be a 20-parent group text when you’re signing your kids up for little league.
Yay it’s payday!
*pays bills
That was short lived.
Lawyers should get walk-up songs in court like how baseball players do
I’m prepared for anything, as long as it isn’t hard or boring or scary
I hate when people ask me “how do you feel your presentation went?”
Excuse me I blacked out & astral projected the entire time, you tell me
I began writing full time 20 years ago. I’ve sold lots – my tv, my car, my jewellery…
Son: I don’t like it when the house pees on me
Me: OMG just get in the shower
a stormtrooper’s favorite store is the one next to target
Me: that was easy, what was my time? 3 minutes?
Escape room employee: ma’am we’re gonna need you to replace this door
So this one time, a friend asked me to PLEASE read a book so we could talk about it.
I read it… and I was like, um… I didn’t really like it…
Her: *happily* I know, right? Neither did I!
And I think this is my villain origin story.