Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Victorian photographers like “Okay we have a two deceased relatives propped in chairs package or our popular one deceased, multiple poses plus family pet package. We can include coffins but the trend now is to have some fun capturing pics where it’s unclear who’s actually alive”

I think the only job requirement you need to become a TSA agent, is to know how to do a really good eye roll while you’re chewing gum.

My body is 61% water and 53% math skills.

3 just informed the cashier at Target, that mommy has a tiny mustache in her underwear.

So the weekend is off to a great start.

Dad loved to say “there’s no price tag, must be free,” or, “there’s no expiration date, must be good,” now we hardly talk except when he calls from jail with food poisoning.

Recruiter (calling me at work): Are you able to talk?

Me: Since the age of two.

If you ask a haunted doll if they’re possessed they have to tell you.

I just saved a mom $26 by trying on the same hat her teen daughter wanted.

I’m way too old for this shit.
*What I say every day as if I’m suddenly gonna start getting younger.

Just saw two homeless men hitting each other with pieces of cardboard. Pillow fight!!

People with nuclear weapons are now effectively calling each other poopy pants. I’m gonna stop coming to work now.

Tried out a new set of long handled surgical forceps.
In lesser news, It turns out that I didn’t need that toenail after all.

[Valentine’s Day]

Me: I got you a bunch of flowers

GF: Thanks

Me: There were loads just by the roadside. Got you a teddy and a candle too

Carpenter Ants: Very industrious

Army Ants: Extra militant

Fire Ants: Drop dope AF mixtapes

I saw an attractive girl in the UK and said to her “you look like a million pounds”. That’s how I got this black eye.

Coworker: “How’d you get that cut above your eye?”

Me: *Remembering dropping my phone on my face* “STOP ASKING ME ABOUT FIGHT CLUB!”

Everyone’s AVI – Sorry. This is the absolute best I can look. I’m actually suspended upside down in this shot and I rented a wind machine.

Whenever I get mad at my husband, I go unravel all of his extension cords.

Interviewer: “Is this glass half empty or half full?”

Guy: “It’s completely full.”

Interviewer: “You’re hired. Welcome to Lay’s.”

Forgot my phone and had to write my tweets on paper and pass ’em around at the meeting.

Didn’t get any stars.
Got RT’d to HR.

My mother was, let’s just say, not perfect. She’d routinely leave my little sister and I in the van for hours while she gambled. And even though we were patched-in to the casino security cameras and feeding her info through an earpiece, she still managed to blow hand after hand.

[coworkers chatting about me, to me]

cw 1: you’re such a goof!
me: hehe I’ll take it
cw 2: better than other things you can be called!
me: like?
cw 2: like… dumbass?
me: no one’s ever dared to call me that. I wouldn’t be the first if I were you.
cw 1 and 2:
me: good morning 🥰

This is the last week you can threaten to cancel Christmas if your kids don’t do what you say; use it wisely.

Don’t say you want a girl who’s “funny and spontaneous” if you’re gonna panic when I knock on your window late at night, dressed as a clown.

I’ve got some sick beats.

No. Really. I need to take them to a doctor. The antibiotics aren’t working.

[playing hangman]
wife: Pick a letter
son: Does it have to be from the alphabet?
me *gets up*
wife
*sound of his college fund jar breaking*

I just read an Amazon review (not for one of my books) that said “it feels like the author was just making it up as they went along” and I can’t stop laughing. Like, dude, I hate to tell you this…

I don’t hate kids, I hate sociopathic little assholes raised by yuppie cunts who feel saying “no” will stifle the child’s creativity…

Do you smoke after sex?

Person looks down…”I don’t know, I never checked.”

…żyje?