Listening to my husband’s gorilla snoring and contemplating if I could record it and sell to the FBI as an alternative to waterboarding.
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I am like a vampire in that I require a specific and obvious invitation to feel like I’m allowed in your home and also because you will definitely regret said invite
Burning witches at the stake is so 1692. Nowadays folks use a microwave coven.
Dentist: Ok, I’m going to start drilling.
“Wait! What if I have to poop?”
D: Then you should go now.
*awkward pause*
“Thanks I feel better.”
I found an old avocado under the seat of my truck yesterday. It was guacamoldy.
[God creating burps]
Ok, that’s gross, can we make it come out the other end?
Angel: yes sir
O-M-G! Hahaha! Do it again! Hahahaha! Dead!
I don’t go out very much because I’m broke, but oh boy, once I’m rich, I’m gonna have to come up with another excuse.
some of you take your Halloween decorations seriously, and IT shows
scared the mailman today by coming to the door naked.
Not sure if he was more surprised by that or that I knew where he lived…
he’s got his mother’s eyes, and his father’s chin… when will this child stop collecting bodyparts
Dating over 40 is like Hide and Seek but no one is looking for you
Love a good morning stretch that turns into an involuntary pterodactyl screech
I like to throw bottles into the ocean with notes that just say, k.
me: could you put this ring at the bottom of my date’s champagne glass
waiter: [refusing to take the funyun] no
The grocery store accidentally included chlorine tablets in our order, we don’t have a pool so I guess the kids are getting extra clean in the bath tonight
Guy getting on elevator in my office building..” Going Down?”
Me: “No, but I’ve got time for a hug”
What do Norse mythology and chastity belts have in common?
Asgard.
Once a toddler learns “why?” It’s all over
Tell me twitter, just how the f am I similar to a Buick dealership?
My age is news to me every single time I remember
My spirit animal is a hamster named Bob.
He used to be a regular hamster named Bob.
But, I kinda forgot to feed him for a couple of weeks.
The great thing about having pet insurance is that while our labrador is at the vets, they’ve given us a courtesy poodle to hang out with.
“You handled that with such grace” are words that have never been spoken to me.
I couldn’t think of an excuse fast enough so anyways I’m having company over this weekend.
[guy who just got out of prison on a technicality]
“what were you in for?”
murder, a guy… a guy…
“spit it out man”
a guy, interrupted me
Caveman1: look, I invent wheel
Caveman2: what we do now?
Caveman1: wait for Jesus to take wheel
Caveman2: dum dum Jesus not invented yet
My boss told me I scare and intimidate people including my co-workers
so I challenged him to a staredown.
Sorry for shouting “go go gadget personality” while you were speaking. Please, continue.
99% of smokers are just wanna-be dragons. Everybody knows that.
Michelangelo: Why are you naked?
Me: How else are you going to sculpt me like you did David?
Michelangelo: Dude, I’m a ninja turtle!
[lumberjack interview]
BOSS: I’m gonna “axe” you a few questions. Haha do you get it?
ME: Yeah I “saw” that coming
BOSS: Ooo welcome aboard!