Listening to my husband’s gorilla snoring and contemplating if I could record it and sell to the FBI as an alternative to waterboarding.
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BLIND DATE: My last boyfriend thought he was such hot stuff. But he was really just a big fish in a small pond.
ME, a giant worm in a hat and trench-coat: Ha, what a loser! But seriously like how big specifically though?
It’s generally a good idea to start punching and throwing elbows immediately upon waking up because there may be enemies nearby
Me: *leaves body to science*
Science: *starts crying*
you cannot hurt me. you are not a hip height table corner
If peeing was an Olympic event, I would win gold. But then I would miss the awards ceremony because I was taking a leak.
Finished stitching this today 😇
People always ask me if my problem kid is the middle child but my husband is the oldest.
I get it dogs, I want to scream F-bombs every time the doorbell rings too.
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the strength to shave my legs.
IKEA is Swedish for “divorce labyrinth.”
Me: “Hey kids, I’m gonna go downstairs and watch the #football game anyone want to come watch with me?”
5-year-old: “You gonna have chips?”
Me: “Does that affect your decision on if you’ll spend time with me?”
5-year-old: “……yeah!”
Me: “Then yes I’ll have chips.”
😒🤦♂️😒🤦♂️
COP: Know why I pulled you over?
ME: Because I don’t think Die Hard is a Christmas movie?
COP: *drawing weapon* Don’t move you son of a-
A sitcom about teen girl aliens called UFOMG.
Me: I’m bored
Dad: hi bored I’m dad
Me: I’m hungry
Dad: hi hungry I’m dad
Me: I’m here’s 20 dollars
Dad: hi here’s 20 dollars
Me: thanks dad
My dentist told me I need a crown. I was like I KNOW, RIGHT?
BRAIN: you need to let loose a little, have some fun
ME: rainbow colored goldfish crackers it is
I wish I was the morning person whichever one of my personalities makes 7am appointments believes I am.
*entering first day of prison*
“Are you guys mad at me?”
American government is of the people, by the people and for the people. Which begs the question: what is wrong with you people?
I consider it a personal victory everytime that I don’t ask a person wearing a leg cast if they’ve broken their leg.
Jesus: *rises after three days*
God: (while reading newspaper) well look who decided to join us
[on a 1st date]
Me: I’m just looking to take things slow
Her: *in a wedding dress* me too
[quarters & nickels rain from the sky]
Me: what is this
Climate: change
On Sunday’s I Iike to dress as Satan & stand outside of churches, yelling at the parishioners that it’s not working & I own their soul.
A friend lectured me about going to see Star Wars alone, because “that’s weird.” As if chastising a grown man in a cloak is some normal shit
“Hot, lo-cal singles in your area!”
– Diet ads for Cannibals
Let’s play a game.
What item did my almost 3yo bring into our bed.
A: A teddy bear
B: A blanket
C: A @$!&*’n toilet brush
Guy: I want a divorce.
Me: And who are you?
Guy: I’m your husband! We live together for 6 years!
Me: Hmm.. No way! Are you sure?
Giraffes were invented in 1780 when three horses accidentally swallowed a ladder
me: *smoking a pipe* I remember when all this was fields
farmer: wtf have you done?!