Listening to my mom tell a story is akin to a verbal version of Russian nesting dolls.
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Just found out men don’t need prostate exams till at least 40. I think my doctor has a lot of explaining to do.
If you’re short on time in the morning, pouring a little gasoline in your toaster will make it cook faster.
You must first feel comfortable in someone else’s skin before you can feel comfortable in your own.
–Psycho Therapy
You ever randomly hear your mom singing ‘Candy Shop’ and then die a little inside?
“Knock knock”
“Who’s there?”
“Pizza”
“My new boyfriend who?
“No. Pizza”
“My future husband who?”
“No.”
“Playing hard to get who?”
Shout out to the kidney bean, the trachea celery, the gall bladder peanut and other foods named after internal organs.
interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills?
me: yes that number is zero
People at work: you’re hilarious,man
Family: you’re really funny
Friends: you’re the funniest guy we know
Twitter: you’re occasionally witty, but don’t quit your day job
Wife: you’re an idiot. that’s not funny.
Financial Advisor: You should think about diversifying your assets.
Me: You mean like buying shorts that aren’t cargo?
Me: I was so drunk last night. Who was the hot redhead I was talking to for so long?
Friend: That was a statue of Ronald McDonald.
I think it’s fair to question whether or not Barack Obama is an American. I mean, look at him.
He’s awfully thin…
‘I never thought leopards would eat MY face,’ sobs woman who voted for the Leopards Eating People’s Faces Party.
Follow, because I write books and you imagine I will impart great wisdom to aspiring writers. Unfollow, because I mostly tweet about squirrels and the dead mouse I found in the basement that one time.
would love to see a prequel to Titanic where we see Jack completely unable to climb onto a floating pool toy and we all go “ahh makes sense”
You can pirate a romance film but you can’t romance a pirate film. I ruined my copy of Hook that way.
Remember: It’s not stalking if you don’t see me.
For somebody who ate their twin in utero I sure am a fussy eater
A reporter is just a porter who forgot to get all the bags the first time
the only time I can imagine clicking on a Facebook story is maybe if I got attacked by a bird while trying to do something else
If I were Noah, I’d bring 3 of every animal just to create some drama.
There are many different theories about why humans even need to sleep but I’m pretty sure it’s to charge our phones.
me: what are you going to be when you grow up?
5: beautiful.
[Phone with Mom]
“Did you just friend request me?”
I’m on fb now
“I’m not adding you”
Fine do your own laundry then
*accepts friend request*
Earth was the first world I created. It has all kinds of problems. #firstworldproblems
My son’s kindergarten teacher wanted to chat with me today because my son told his class that his mom died… and came back to life!
Him “I like you”
Me: “Meh, give it five days.
Him: “No I really like you”
Me: “okay. Ten.”Narrator * It would, in fact, take 4.
Canadian winters be like:
Today’s high is -23, but with the wind chill it feels like -57.
I ordered Chinese food last night. My fortune cookie said “LOL” and I’ve never agreed with one more.
Opened my white noise app instead of my podcast app. Honestly, it’s an improvement.
Is being in two bands cool? Depends. If you’re a high schooler: yes. If you’re a lobster: no.