Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I don’t understand wishing dead celebrities happy birthday. Shoutout to Mary Queen of Scots, who would be 577 today.

“Contactless is safer”, I tell my husband

Paid $50 for a device that has a motion detector that emits a sound to scare off neighbor’s cat….she’s out there rubbing up against it now

“LEEEEET’S GET READY TO TUUUUUUMBLE!!!”

-wet laundry

Do ducks feel sad?

No, they feel “down”cast.

ain’t no way there’s billions of us and nobody got superpowers

Him: How was your day?

Me: (watching a movie about a shark trapped in a grocery store) Very busy.

That awkward moment when you whip off your shirt and realize you never put on your swimsuit

Airlines. Graciously giving you the choice to have feet, or a personal item, but not both.

I often wondered what it’d be like to be married to an idiot.
I asked my wife and she said you get used to it after a while.

restaurants: hey kid. wanna color in some trees? a castle? some animals? grassy hills? here’s a blue and a red crayon.

If you have a choice between ugly or fat, remember this.

You can turn the lights out on ugly, but you can always feel the fat in the dark.

Sometimes, when I’m in a deep contemplative mood, I wonder what ants get in their pants…

Remember: if you see a tie on my doorknob, it means I’m taking the door to prom

*watches Beauty and the Beast*

*looks at dirty dishes in sink*

WASH YOURSELVES AND SING TO ME!

I put my pants on like everyone else….

After sex.

Ha just kidding. I don’t have sex, or pants.

I have a client that speaks French so I like to call him on the phone so I can say Bonjour! and then listen to him say probably very important things I don’t understand but it sounds amazing.

If you like airborne fecal matter you’ll love being alive on earth

Zooey Deschanel always looks like she’s been shown a card trick

I was talking to my son and he casually pulled a bag of chips out from under his pillow, and started eating without breaking eye contact

He living his best life

WIFE: Do we have any orange juice?

ME: I don’t think so

WIFE: Well do we have any orange juice concentrate?

ME: I AM CONCENTRATING!

Cop: you were going pretty fast there. In a hurry to get somewhere?

Me: nope, just tryna lose the cop back there

Today a coworker from another department was talking about her daughter, Haysleigh, and I guess I gave an eyebrow raise because she immediately said “like paisley but agricultural” then spelled it and I felt my soul leave my body

I’m in the other room and I hear my 3yo shout, “In your face, poop”. Then the toilet flushes. I would give anything to get that excited about pooping again.

“Don’t you have this book anywhere?”
“Not here, no.”
“Is it in the back?”
“I’m afraid not.”
“Is it in the basement?”
“No.”
“Aren’t you going to go down and check?”
“Well, that would take a while.”
“How long would it take?”
“I mean first we’d have to install a basement.”

The best part of being pregnant is blaming my eating choices on the baby.

Jello at 3 am? Baby was hungry.

Cheesecake for breakfast? Baby wanted it.

The blood of my enemies under a full moon? Baby demanded a sacrifice.

Pancakes for dinner? Baby likes breakfast food.

Took me some serious legal wrangling during full quarantine, but the nursing home eventually allowed my 86 year old mother to hitchhike to my state once a week to change my bedsheets. LOVE WINS.

I used to think people who looked for sex on craigslist were rock bottom… Then I discovered twitter.

Husband: Can you turn on the hose for me?
Me: Sure {awkwardly starts removing clothes}

A cell phone with a low battery is nothing more than a damn-cell in distress