Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Of all my body parts that could be throbbing, why is it always my sinuses

A baby’s smile can light up a room. Unless it’s pitch black. Then the baby is totally useless.

My 3 year old had a meltdown because she was smiling in a pic, but the puppy wasn’t. So I get it, parents that drive their entire family into a lake.

My true love: [gives to me a partridge in a pear tree]

Me: wtf how did you wrap this

My kid is having a rock sale at the park because ‘everyone sells lemonade but no one sells rocks’.

Don’t you love followers that don’t acknowledge your existence.

Its so cute. Its like I have tiny marriages all over the world.

Of course I’m a morning person, why do you ask?

If you’re serious about your mental health, find a very pale doctor in an unreasonably dark office at an understaffed isolated 200 year old sanitarium that appears abandoned then go ahead and check in until you’re cured/murdered.

wife calling me in the grocery store: where are you???

me: i’m over in the cereal.

wife: but i’m in the cereal aisle.

me: *whispers* open the box.

Cop: license and registration.

Me: I don’t carry my drivers license so I don’t lose it.

Cop: where is it?

Me: I have absolutely no idea.

before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life

I ordered my latte wrong at that new gypsy coffee place and now my shadow is a horse shadow

Ah to hear the music of the angles!

My kids can’t play at your house because they might begin to think laundry doesn’t live on the couch.

My 7YO is either very shy in front of people, or she’s already given them our social security numbers

Went on a family vacation and 80% of the pics are my 11yo looking like her dog just died

Are these fish:

A. A different species

B. The same species

C. These two fish aren’t even from the same ocean and aren’t closely related

Me: *sends myself a reminder text about an appointment*

Phone: *ding*

Me: Ooh, who’s texting me?

“The guy is pure evil!”
“He’s complex”
“Religious icons and Bibles catch on fire when he walks by!”
“He’s deep!”
“Priests and Pastors drop dead when they look at him!”
“He’s troubled! Stop being negative!”

Wife:
Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Wife:
Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Wife:
Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Wife: I hate your corduroys

One day my dad was outside watching a thunder and lightning storm and my mom brought him a metal chair to sit in.

A love story

Your life flashes before your eyes right before you die. It takes an average of 70-80 years.

Why, in the name of heck, do they call it a “fun-size” candy bar when the fun part is getting more candy, not less? 🍫😠

What’s the best way to commemorate the 500th episode of your podcast and why is it throwing yourself into an active volcano?

Me: My brother was in an accident & lost his hand.
Her: OMG, is he OK?
Me: Yes, it was his left hand so
Her: Don’t do it
Me: he’s all right

Proud to announce I’ve made Forbes’ “7 Billion under 7 Billion” this year

I never chase a man.
I always go for the ones who are too fat to run.

My friend asked what I’d say if my husband told me he’d never touch me again? I told her, I’d need it in writing.

[gettysburg]
Abraham Lincoln: four score and seven years ago-
Me: wtf does that mean
Abraham Lincoln: 87
Me: say 87 then