[Listening to Natalie Imbruglia’s ‘Torn’ while warm, unashamed, standing fully clothed on the ceiling] I can’t relate to this
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Took me thirty five minutes to tighten the screw in my glasses because I didn’t have my glasses on.
Highway to Hell is my favorite song about driving to work
me: I just don’t know what you see in me
X-ray tech: twelve ice cream sandwiches. Still in their foil wrappers
Took my fluffy little dog to the beach thinking maybe he’d frolic around in the water, play fetch, dig a hole in the sand. He ran straight for a dead seagull and rolled around on its carcass
There’s so much pollen in the air covering everything with a blanket of yellow dust that I thought my wife went blonde.
6 year old: I ate all my lunch today!!
The evidence to the contrary:
finally
cut negativity out of your life. delete Facebook. block your landlord’s number. uninstall your banking app. stop paying taxes. forget math. self care.
wife: you forgot to take the garbage out
me: sorry. I’ll take 2 garbages out tonight
My kid & I are trying to decide on a movie to watch while we eat s’mores in our blanket fort.
He suggested a horror movie & then tells me “I’ll call it horrs and smores!”
No, son, I don’t think we will call it that.
Him: [sneezes]
Germs: ATTACK!
Her: bless you
Germs: RETREAT RETREAT
Me: did you leave out the cookies for Santa?
My Kid: yes.
Me: and the milk?
My Kid: yup!
Me: and the waiver for Santa to sign holding us harmless in the event of food poisoning?
My Kid: (sigh) yes.
Winters, when your handwriting turns out the same no matter which hand you use.
My mother-in-law talked non-stop while we watched Criminal Minds and now I have an idea for a cool new episode.
Take two chicken wings and call me in the morning.
coffee: because shanking people is heavily frowned upon.
If someone challenged me to a pie fight, I’d 100% choose the apple pie in the freezer.
Sometimes I just sit and admire the gray in my husband’s beard, how distinguished it’s becoming, and think “I DID THAT”
After having a backup camera, it’s really hard to not have one. Driving my daughter’s car and I just assume that I probably backed over a short person.
Mrs Kelly: what should we name him?
Mr Kelly: (eyes wide af) MACHINE GUN
good morning
Kids will interrupt your really important conversations to ask questions like, “which door do you think the zombies will come through? The front door or the back door?”
ME: *movie trailer voice* coming this summer…
WIFE: not if you keep that shit up.
Wife: WHY ARE YOU STANDING IN THE KITCHEN NAKED.
Me: Who cares? I’m on a conference call. No one can see.
Boss: Okay just a reminder for everyone to mute themselves.
Cop: What is your line of business?
Me [mumbling]: Treason stuff.
Cop: Louder for the microphone.
Me: Trees ‘n’ stuff. Gardening.
My master plan is to forget sunglasses at every location in the world so wherever I am I’ll always have sunglasses.
I just want someone to make me feel like I did the first time I figured out a special move in Mortal Kombat.
no i didn’t do “research” to formulate my opinions. are u insane? they came to me in a vision
My goal was to lose 10 pounds this year…
~Only 15 more to go!!