Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“I can’t wait to get inside you,” I flirtatiously whisper to a coffin.

[1665]
ME:Make it enormous

“But if I paint a red cross on ur door, ppl will think you’ve got the plague & never visit”

ME:Make it enormous

People ask what personal grooming products I use. I just get whatever is on offer in the supermarket, so this week cat food & grapes.

NALA: Why can’t you be the king I know? The king you have inside you?
SIMBA: That doesn’t make sense. I think I’d remember if I ate a king.

“We only had 5 channels and no remote” is the new “I walked uphill both ways, barefoot to school when I was a kid.”

Having watched me install a yard spotlight, the kids are looking at me in what I can only assume is awe, bathed as we all are in the glow of a whole new light.

I must say, I’m as surprised at them at just how quickly the flames have spread, though.

[Updates Christian Mingle bio]
“Just like Moses, I pay attention to the bush first”

“You have 999 new matches”

Co-worker: What’s the difference between astronomy & astrology?
Me: Approximately 50-60 IQ points.

Me: Forgive me father for I have sinned

Dad: [sighing as he reviews my math homework] it’s sined and you should’ve used tangent

realized that as a doctor i could prescribe girl scout cookies, who needs some

It’s kind of an ongoing competition between me and this cactus to see who can drink less water

stephen king’s mind:

what if dog…bad?
what if car…bad?
what if clown…bad?
what if hotel…bad?

*First day as a missing person*

Wife: Hello police? Yeah call it off he was just in the shower.

Best comet pics yet. 🤣 ☄️

My husband and I are looking for someone to play the harmonica while we have sex, no weirdos please.

Drive it like you stole it, by driving cautiously and observing all applicable traffic laws to avoid further incidents so as to not attract unwanted scrutiny.

im getting some exciting spam emails lately

I had my demons exercised and they became quite large and intimidating demons, so I guess spelling is nine tenths of the law of possession.

You know what really boils my piss? The pissboiler2000 from JML.

Boss:my office, now!

Me:*to myself* dont be about Twitter dont be about Twitter

B:we’ve had a sexual harassment complaint

M:Oh thank God!

When a kid is mean to my kid…

(what I say): Let’s rise above their anger and show kindness

(what I want to say): MY WRATH WILL SWEEP THEIR FAMILY TREE WITH THE VENGEANCE OF 1,000 SUNS

*travels back in time to kill Hitler as a baby* *becomes known as time-traveling baby murderer & history’s greatest monster*

Vacation is a time when every part of you can relax except your bowels.

ME: I wonder why you have to disclose if someone died in a house you’re selling, but not a car

COUPLE NO LONGER BUYING MY CAR: we can walk from here, I think

BOSS: You ok?
ME: Yeah, why?
BOSS: You have a sign that says “2 Days Without Being Annoyed”
[maintaining eye contact, I change it to 0]

I just saw a woman walk out of the pizza place with 8 large pizzas. Stay with me I’m gonna live stream my proposal..

Watch ‘Titanic’ backwards and it’s the feel-good story of a ship that rescues a bunch of drowning swimmers and takes them on a dream cruise.

them: what’d you do on your day off

me: wake up earlier than necessary

My years of napping and making out with strangers have prepared me for a solid career as a CPR dummy

yesterday i took apart an egg timer because the ticking was too loud. i thought when I got it open and saw all the gears id know what to do. this was not the case