*Listening to red hot chili peppers*
Me: You call that music? I can’t even hear anything!
Worker: Sir, stop putting produce to your ear.
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Every time I think I’ve got my diet under control, they come out with some new and tastier way to make me fat.
Yesterday my boss asked why I was tardy and I said, “I don’t think you’re supposed call people that any more.”
Of all the essential oils WD40 is the essentialist.
If you ever get buried alive, use the extra time to think about what you did to put yourself in that situation so it doesn’t happen again.
My husband put a few of his items in my luggage. I can’t believe after 31 years I am still dealing with this shit. It’s like he has no idea how selfish I am.
Apparently, saying “Wow, you’ve grown since I last saw you” isn’t deemed socially acceptable when said to adults.
Why yall taking long at Atm? yall
launching missiles or downloading
Space ships from NASA?
holiday horror movie idea: you have 10 days to complete a completely reasonable task that takes 20 minutes to do
every single thing you’ve ever done and all the decisions you’ve made in life have led to the point where you are reading a tweet that ends in the word chudnugget
*Starts new job*
Co-worker: Hello
Me: How much was yo first check? 🧐😂
JEDI WHO INVENTED LIGHTSABER: ok its a destructive laser sword so maybe we shoudnt wear anythig too flowy
JEDI IN CHARGE OF COSTUMES: …OORR
If I ever get married, I’m not wearing white. Nothing to do with the whole virginity thing, and everything to do with being a sloppy eater.
Trimmed my eyebrows too short. Now every time I catch someone staring, I sternly say “my eyes are down here.”
My dad: you know how you Love Christmas
12 yo me: yes
My dad: How would you feel about two of them
they don’t specify how you should touch the grass, you can just go punch the shit out of someone’s lawn
Sorry I threw your baby but there was a spider on her.
If you tell Dad jokes and you’re not actually a Dad, you are a faux pa.
10am: thinking roast chicken dinner with some steamed veggie’s and a baked potato.
5pm: ☎️ Can I get a large meat lovers pizza please
WIFE: There are people from the zoo at the front door
ME: *sitting on the couch with my new pet monkey* Do they look upset?
I’m so single…..
When they ask me for an emergency contact I put the neighbours dog.
Imagine being a licensed therapist scrolling Twitter just basking in the never ending job security
Me: Can I dip my breadstick in your Alfredo sauce?
Him: Usually it’s me asking you that.
13YO: SHUT UP. STOP IT RIGHT NOW!
every house is a dream house when you can’t afford one
Is there a support group for parents whose children watched so much Bluey that it caused them to become Australian? Asking for a friend
“Honey, the baby sure is fussy. Why don’t we go see a movie after we goto a nice, quiet restaurant?”
Me: How dilated is she?
Nurse: 4 centimeters.
Me: This is America.
Nurse: 0.000198838 furlongs.
I hate when there’s a knock on your door and you open the door and it’s someone.
Buy your kids a tortoise. Then when you’re elderly, they’ll already have 40 years’ experience feeding & loving something that barely moves
my family doesn’t play board games at Christmas anymore since that one year my sister ripped a Monopoly board in half and Risk caused a divorce
When she finally says yes and you realize that wasn’t a condom you were carrying around for the past 9 years
