Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you complain about not being able to find your boyfriends name on a keychain that store will think you have a boyfriend

[Christmas morning]
Snake: Thank you for the present!
Snake 2: You’re welcome
[5 minutes later]
Snake: Yeah, I got no idea how to open it
Snake 2: Not sure how I even wrapped it

Humans: Okay, so
Dog Negotiator: Yes
Humans: Uh
Dog Negotiator: Absolutely. We’ll do it
Humans: I haven’t even
Dog Negotiator: I love you

Which brand of vacuum cleaner would make the coolest birthday present for the wife?

The other day a number of people at work told me that I had a lovely healthy glow about me and had caught the sun a little. I was far too embarrassed to tell them it was actually a rather uncomfortable eczema flare up

[repeating myself louder in the haunted house attraction] did the dracula throw water on anyone else’s pants??

[Troy in the olden times]
“WTF is that?”
A wooden horse
“It’s not full of soldiers is it?”
[from in horse] JUST TAKE IT INSIDE & HAVE A LOOK

A guy hands me a lit doobie at a party. I panic and pretend to play it like a tiny trumpet.

i dont simply go through airport security. i have a goal. i want everyone in line to be blown away by my efficiency. i want to be celebrated as i push my belongings across the table. i want TSA to offer me a job (i’ll decline). i want people talking about me at their gate. glory.

Me: I hit the ejector seat and sent her through the roof by accident
Cop: you’re under arrest. I’m taking you to jail
Me: let’s take my car

Everyday I walk to work by a Ferrari dealership, put my nose against the etched glass window and say, “someday I’ll own a window this nice.”

If I ever become a ghost, I’m gonna go back and haunt college me. Tell him to hydrate.

It’s so cold out today in Wisconsin I just saw a snowman kill another snowman and crawl inside his body cavity

don’t do it sharon, it’s a trap

I can’t stop laughing 🤣

Life was good until I ripped my pants… now life is good and ventilated.

HER: You can’t even go 5 minutes without making a Star Trek reference.

ME: Yes I Khan.

Wife: please stop eating so much salt.

Me: why?

Wife: too much sodium can lead to high blood pressure, heart attack, and stroke.

Me: so you’re saying too much sodium is a salt with a deadly weapon?

Wife: [pours more salt on my food].

[Doctor’s office]

Doctor: “OK. I have something to tell you. I think you should probably sit down”

Me: “No thanks. I’ll stand. What‘s up?”

*I get mauled by a tiger that was hiding under his desk

Doctor: “I wanted to tell you my pet tiger gets nervous when people are standing”

[dinner]
HER: don’t embarrass me tonight
ME: how would I do that?
WAITER: just an fyi we ran out of lettuce
ME: ok, everyone romaine calm

Wife: did you know hippos kill way more people every year than sharks?

Me: how? by sitting on them? lol.

Hippo: [in the booth next to ours at Denny’s] I’m gonna kill him.

Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish

My personal trainer ran out of treats half way through the sess.

I didn’t really mind the voices in my head until one of them started their own podcast

My therapist encouraged me to stop bending over backwards for people. But just between us, I really miss yoga.

We’re severely underutilizing the concept of groundhog’s day. We should be ripping more animals out hiding and asking them unknowable questions about the future at least weekly

Laser hair removal? If I had laser hair I’d be using it for evil, believe me.

beware of dog

Me: I wonder why you only oversleep when you have school!
My kid: Mumma that’s because on other days it’s just called sleep.

me in my 20s with my 60 year old back pain