*Listening to red hot chili peppers*
Me: You call that music? I can’t even hear anything!
Worker: Sir, stop putting produce to your ear.
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Them: Ma’am, we’re going to have to ask you leave…
Me: *doing the limbo under the police tape at a crime scene*
[At Mall]
Good cop: CLEAR A PATH PEOPLE!
Bad cop: OFFICIAL POLICE BUSINESS
Black Friday cop: *Segways past everyone & gets the last HDTV*
When James Blunt says “I saw your face in a crowded place” it’s so outdated like wtf is a crowded place
“I don’t care!”, he tweeted, again.
I just ‘borrowed’ $20 from my teenage daughter.
She’s such an idiot.
Every day, my kids walk around the basket of clothes in their room to avoid putting them away.
So, I guess it’s hereditary.
an alarm clock that repeatedly & loudly makes the sound of a windshield wiper going across a windshield that is not completely wet
Son, I found some drugs in your backpack
“Dad I swear they’re not mine”
DAMMIT SUSAN, THEY ARENT HIS. 1st time we were proud and you blew it
Seize the day! Kidnap the evening! Murder the night! Assault the afternoon!
Toddler: what’s that?
Me: that’s the sky.
Toddler: what’s sky mean?
Me: sky means sky.
Toddler: what’s that?
Me: that’s grass.
Toddler: what’s grass mean?
Me: grass means grass.
Toddler: what’s that?
Me: tears.
Toddler: what’s tears mean?
Me: it means please just stop.
Why do people always make such a fuss over how much a newborn weighs? It’s a baby, not a stash of heroin.
Potatoes are used to make vodka. Also, potatoes are technically vegetables. The point I’m trying to make is, you do a juice cleanse your way, and I’ll do one my way.
Fun Fact:
The human brain isn’t able to register typos or grammar errors until after hitting teh Send button.
My dog just puked on the floor.
5yo: MOMMY, LOOK!
Me: Eeeww!
5yo: We are just gonna have to move now!I like the way this kid thinks!
The tornado siren was just going off here, but I think I can make it to the liquor store.
Mini-horses are like mini-donuts, you can’t just eat one
We all look like talking skeletons to Superman. Even his parents. I don’t know how that kid slept at night.
Astronomer: hey look, a meteor shower!
Meteor: *scrubbing pits* a little privacy, perv.
ME: hey buddy you should wear a mask
CLARK KENT: but the glasses have been working fine
I think this cat is broken
I’m pretty sure my kids see a freshly vacuumed floor as a challenge.
I’m starting to suspect the Christmas tradition of the kids cleaning the house for Santa while the parents nap is just something my parents made up.
Just killed an ant and I feel like for the sake of gender equality I need to kill an uncle now.
(Don’t) touch!
(Don’t) scream!
(Don’t) run!
(Don’t) fight!
(Don’t) pee here!
(Don’t) put that in your mouth!~ Toddler selective hearing
I ate a cliff bar before bed, now I can’t stop dreaming about hiking
My godmother just saw my tweet about sending naked pictures, and she was so excited she posted it to Facebook and tagged my parents. What a time to be alive.
ME: I wonder why you have to disclose if someone died in a house you’re selling, but not a car
COUPLE NO LONGER BUYING MY CAR: we can walk from here, I think
My husband will prove that he knows all the lines of a movie by saying them before the character in the movie says them, but when I do it while watching a murder documentary it’s creepy.
*wife leaves message on fridge w/ magnets*
WE ARET HROUGH
maybe it’s an anagram *rearranges*
ROUGH WEATHER
whoa better pack an umbrella
Lunchables™? huge waste of money! I have my kids mill their own wheat then hunt, kill & field strip a wild bologna