*Listening to red hot chili peppers*
Me: You call that music? I can’t even hear anything!
Worker: Sir, stop putting produce to your ear.
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its cool in movies when a guy blows into town and after a 30 second conversation an old guy is like, you can work in my bar and sleep in the spare room above the garage and eat meals with my family and have sex with my daughter
You have advice? For me? I have a $5 Starbucks gift card that’s older than you.
A colleague suggested I clone myself so I can take on more work, but I don’t think it’s fair to ask my husband to put up with any more of me.
My dog: I can do a magic trick.
Me: what?
Dog: I can turn cat poop into dog poop.
Me: please don’t.
Telling a mother her baby is cute is like giving your compliments to the chef
What do we want?
SNACKS!When do we want em?
AFTER DINNER!– kids.
Co-worker: “If you love something, set it free, if it comes back it’s yours to k..”
Me – “THOSE ARE BOOMERANGS, MICHELLE.”
Carefully cropping the username off a popular reddit meme and posting it here with the caption “all right who made this?? 😂🤣😂”
Man collapsed on the airport luggage carousel. Authorities think he’ll be alright. He’s slowly coming around.
Judge: Show us on this doll where the man hurt you.
Me: He didn’t. But watch this.
[I make the doll do a backflip]
Judge: Holy shit lol
I don’t need pepper spray to stop a mugger, I just open my wallet and blow the dust in their eyes
“Would you rather eat a pound of bricks or a matter baby?” he asks.
“What’s a matter baby?” I ask.
I’m shown a newborn so dense the fabric of space-time sags in a deep gravity well; objects within the event horizon are drawn inextricably to it.
“Uhhhhhh… The bricks, I guess?”
You make me want to be a better home and garden.
I move your wet panties to one side and, very gently, manage to fit another pair of socks on the radiator.
if i die wearing my guy fieri fire shirt will i be camouflaged in hell
Mall security asked me to empty my pockets.
My response was “you won’t find a better job or respect in my pockets”
Raid™: For when you don’t want to kill ants, but want to make them late for something.
Shoutout to my dog for ensuring we can enjoy the crunchy, colourful autumn leaves inside the house too
Toy Story (1995) – A influential local leader harasses an immigrant who is struggling to adapt to local customs.
[first date]
me: what’s ur favorite word?her: probably “ethereal,” it means-
me: mine is “shuttlecock.”
Before company arrives we like to clean our house so there’s no evidence that we live like circus monkeys the other 364 days of the year!
I was on my way to the gym and this strong gust of wind blew me into a McDonald’s and 3 Big Macs fell in my lap.
People saying I should stand up for myself have never sat in this bean bag chair.
Oh well….there’s always tomorrow!
#hopespringseternal
*boyfriend calls girlfriend*
Bf: “Hey Babe, I love you!”
Gf: “we’re breaking up”
Bf: “no we’re not, I can hear you just fine.”
I never had to swim for my life in a shark attack but once I had to doggy-paddle really fast to get out of a pool when it was dessert time.
Me: [trying to act normal]
Nearby Person: hey man are you ok
When I pretend to know what I am talking about when I have to go car shopping.
