Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

selfie game

She: 5 mins babe
He: Ok

*discovers a new planet*
*travels to it*
*discovers life*
*returns back*

He: Ready?
She: 5 mins babe

[job interview]
“Why do you want to leave your current job?”
My boss is a total idiot
“It says here you’re self-employed?”
Yes that’s right

me: [to woman next to me] blow on it for luck

craps dealer: no soup at the table

Puns make me numb but math puns make me number.

My 4-year-old usually wears his hair in a ponytail, but he wants it cut this weekend. This change will make me a little sad, but I also hope it hides his 1980s movie villain personality.

A bridesmaid, but to carry the end of my CVS receipt.

Give me a minute, I can make this about me.

Tim Cook: “We’re excited to annou-”
#Apple fans: “We’ll buy it.”
Tim Cook: “Let me fini-”
Apple fans: “We’ll buy that too.”
#iPhone6

Dogs are probably really excited about dog sledding before they find out what it actually is.

ME (just before the road trip): I can hold it until I get there.
ME (4 hours in):

My toddler got me up at 4:30am because “Eeyore said it’s morning” Stupid donkey ruining my life

Her: You’ll never guess what I did today.

Me: You’re right. *gets up, leaves the room*

If the doctor doesn’t know and just refers you to another doctor, they should refund you.

*attaches note to pigeon

*stuffs pigeon into envelope

Kissing someone mid sentence is only cute in movies. I will press my hand against your face and slowly push it way until I’m done talking.

[Pixar Studios]
HIRING MANAGER: Your resume says you have prior experience with animation, is that correct?
DR. FRANKENSTEIN: Yes

some guy at this bar in cork asked me where i was from and i was like “oh i live in new york.” and he was like “oh have you heard of 9/11?”

Is there also a milkshake that will keep all the boys away from my yard?

What inspires you to get out of bed every day? For me, it’s my bladder mostly

me: I feel like this’d be better if I knew my competitors. Like maybe you could do a grid and we could see who won each week?

therapist: again, you can’t “win” therapy

Every jogger is running towards cake or away from kale.

Beer doesn’t have many vitamins that’s why you need to drink lots of it

God: Lo shall humanity have dominion o’er the earth, o’er the beasts.
Beasts: wtf
Humanity: Haha yesssss
God: but also shall humanity feel bad about everything, all of it, every last thing shall they feel bad about
Humanity: wait
Beasts: lol
God: lol

dog lover: [holding dog] this is my fur baby
me: [holding baby] this is my skin puppy

Batman V Superman 2:

Both men agree their last battle was too destructive

They settle their differences by playing Uno

Loser leaves earth

My employer & colleagues all believe I am hard of hearing. I’m not. But it gets me out of having to engage in frivolous conversations & taking part in pointless hour-long meetings that could have been condensed into a 2 minute email. I get so much more work done as a “deaf” guy.

[Wildebeest orbiting the earth in a spacesuit, uselessly kicking its legs madly every time a really grassy part comes into view]

I’m gonna be honest. Even after the vaccine I’m only gonna wanna hang out with 3 of you.

I want my funeral to be invitation only. There are people I don’t want to be around even if I’m dead.