Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

turns out im not nearly mature enough to hang out with someone named titi

Is the stick figure with the halo on the back of the minivan the dead kid or the really good one? I’m too scared to ask.

I hate reality shows. Like this one, for instance, called “The News.”

therapist: what’s on your mind

me: why would a bull be in a china shop to begin with

My local zoo has installed signs throughout the grounds with my photo that say, “Do Not Feed The Animals Or This Guy.”

lmao😭🤣

You Matter.

Unless you multiply yourself by the speed of light squared.

Then you Energy.

Practice self-care like Medusa, take care of your hair & turn everyone who has wronged you into stone.

I’m not saying I killed it on the stock market today, but there’s a good chance I’m cutting up a hot dog into my Kraft Dinner tonight.

SCHRÖDINGER: So son, theoretically your cat is neither dead or al–
WIFE: Tell him.
SCHRÖDINGER: Your cat’s dead.

my cat was hiding under my bed like a paranoid weirdo so I put his bowl under there and he spurned it all day long & I forgot about it and of course I just awoke to the terrifying sound of an animal devouring something under my bed

I have a riddle about lice but it’s a real head scratcher

I ate so much bread yesterday, I checked Web MD to make sure that I couldn’t end up with a yeast infection.

When the machines become self aware their first order of business will be changing our perception of how robots dance.

Him: Do you know what you are doing?

Her: Do I look like I know what I’m doing?

Him: No.

Her: Okay then, quit asking stupid questions.

cicadas cotton eyed joe
🤝
where did they come from?
where did they go????

In case you ever worry you spend to much money on dumb things you should know they’re still making Grey’s Anatomy

[speaking at an AA meeting]

Me: You’ll find the transition from hard liquor to hard drugs expensive, but very rewarding

*everyone cheers*

My dad is a superhero. But without a costume because costumes are expensive and do you think he’s made of money?

Got my twins a bunk bed so now I can worry about two kids falling at once.

There should be a tv game show where couples have to scroll through every streaming service looking for something they both want to watch and if time runs out, they get divorced.

I’ve finally stopped drinking for good.

And I’ve started drinking for evil.

Me: What’s your favorite fruit?

Son #2: Tacos.

Me: No, I said fruit.

S2: You have my answer.

Satan: welcome to hell, the WiFi password is-

Me: wait you have WiFi?

Satan: of course.

Me: well that’s not so bad.

Satan: as I was saying the WiFi password is Pi.

#parenting

Home improvement
but it’s just me replacing the metal tubes in the neighbor’s wind chimes with tampons.

i love being in STEM (shenanigans, tomfoolery, escapades, and mischief)

I washed my sports bra with the Fitbit still attached and won first place in all my challenges.

[GOD CREATING BEES]

G: Super important
A: k
G: And their spit tastes delicious.
A….k
G: But they’re so *clenches fists* angry

The chances of you being killed by a chinchilla are low, but never zero