[listening to the neighbors argue through the walls]: mmw mmwm wmmw mwm mwwmm wwmw
mwm wmmwm wwmw mmwm
mwwm mmw mmwm mwwm mwmwm
me: oh stephanie you’re better than this
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Why hasn’t somebody opened a coffee shop next to a courthouse called ‘On What Grounds?’ Send
If your kid is having nightmares & keeps getting in bed with you in the night, a great solution is to go to sleep in full clown makeup.
Me: *giggling* no, I love you more.
Him: who are you and how did you get inside my house?
I dinated blood today. I have typo blood.
acceptable thing to do with cpr dummy: learn how to save a life
unacceptable thing to do with a cpr dummy: learn how to create a life
Only thing I Iike about kids, is their ability to attract ice cream trucks
I’m gonna create chaos in my neighborhood by putting giant bows on all the cars the night before Christmas.
I wasnt home for a few days and somebody taught my cat Karate
“THE UNIVERSE IS TEACHING ME PATIENCE” I scream zenfully
Me: Stay back, I have garlic!
Count of Monte Cristo:
If you think you’re attracted to me, just know that I make my sandwiches like this:
You ever leave cardboard on the frozen pizza, and it starts smoking, and your family bans you from using appliances because you burn shit up?
Me neither.
Farmer: if you want to fix that soil you have to fertilize it properly
Landscaper: sounds like bullshit
Farmer: yes exactly
ME: hey look it’s a *forgets the word snail* worm turtle
“SO WE’RE NOT KNOCKING ANYMORE??!!”
[sitting on my couch eating matzah slathered in Nutella, watching Masterchef] wow I can’t believe he didn’t bake his cheesecake in a water bath
Kids threaten us with things like, “I’ll just go to my room forever,” and then we let them think we don’t like it
Stretching and yawning at the same time might not look so sexy but it looks like you’re a Pokemon evolving so that’s cool.
Sorry I threw your baby but there was a spider on her.
Them: what’s your sign?
Me: exhausted potato
CHEMIST: Do you like science jokes? I think they’re so
HER: No
CHEMIST: very funny
HER: Thought you were gonna say sodium funny
CHEMIST: Na
“Is this the fifth one?”
– me, drunk, watching Jurassic park in Spanish
Ann: I wanna break up
Ed: why?
A: you use time travel to manipulate me
E: when, exactly, did you start to suspect this?
A: well… Hey!
[1st date]
Would you excuse me for a moment?
*date checks her watch while Im visible through the window playing with dogs across the street*
I went to bed last night and my brother came out of the closet and scared the shit out of me, I forgot we were playing hide and seek…
Coming soon from the makers of Hamilton:
LINCOLN
Featuring the smash rap hit about the Civil War:
“This could be US, but you slavin’.”
my cats when I don’t feed them in a timely fashion
I’ve named my cat “Before” & my chihuahua “After.”
It works better if I introduce them wearing a lab coat and clipboard, giggling.
[6 month dentist visit]
Dentist: How often do you floss?
Me: Every 6 months
My version of flirting these days is looking at someone I find attractive, multiple times..
..and hoping that they’re more brave than I am !!