Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My kid is almost old enough for social media so we’ll need to have “the talk” soon. You know, about your/you’re and their/there/they’re.

Who’s drunk

*raises leg

Marriage is hard, you guys, and anyone that says it isn’t has never been married to me.

[When your mom calls you by your full name]

Mom: Scoobert Doobert!

Scooby: Ruh roh

Got a new end table for the living room and no one has noticed but try to get rid of a toy my kids haven’t played with in five years and everyone notices

Told a girl she’s more attractive when she’s not wearing glasses and she said I’m also more attractive when she’s not wearing glasses.

Store Clerk: Happy holidays
Me (angrily): Merry…CHRISTMAS
Clerk (even angrier): SEASON’S GREETINGS
[we just start choking each other]

“you don’t text back” i know, stop texting me

My wife persuaded me to get a cat on the grounds they’re independent and take care of themselves.

Anyway, here’s a picture of me helping Bobby off the shed roof after he got stuck. Again.

my kid learned what money was today at 9 am and by noon he was ready to stab me over 27 cents

My coworkers refused to believe I made the delicious Potluck lunch dish I brought and they kept claiming my wife did. In keeping with this toxic workplace atmosphere of distrust, I’m not telling them it was store bought.

I still remember when “information is power” could be said with a straight face. Thank goodness the internet put that myth to rest.

If anyone wants a tiger let me know. I bought one but he’s being a d-bag and won’t wear the matching sunglasses I bought us.

Did you know that if a unicorn and I were to race the unicorn would likely win cause unicorns are about as real as my desire to race anything?

If you like piña coladas / Getting caught in the rain / Drink this piña colada / It was caught in the rain

them: do you think about other people when you have sex

me: when I have what now

Potatoes & rice should be friends but they’re starch enemies.

“She sends things to strangers on the internet and no one even cares but she keeps doing it” – my dad, explaining me on twitter to my aunt.

[movie]
*guy hugs woman from behind while she cuts vegetables*
wife: Aww

me*does same thing*
wife:ARE YOU TRYING TO MAKE ME LOSE A FINGER?!

The council are threatening to fine me just because I put my recycling in the wrong box. Apparently the red one is only for post.

bitcoin? isn’t that how people checked if gold was real?

When he said they’re giving migrants sex changes I nearly spit out my dog

[First date]
Me: “So, what do you do?”
Date: “I’m a librarian.”
Me: “Oh, my bad.”
*Whispers for the entire rest of the date*

*throws a rock at a bird*
Me [writing in “science” journal]: birds don’t like rocks.

I hired an insecurity guard. He said
“I hope you feel safe rn cuz I don’t know if I’m right for the job.”

First Obama came for my guns. Then he came for my knives. Then he came for my dinette set. Then he redecorated the whole place. It’s lovely.

gf: Daddy
me: don’t call me that it’s creepy
gf: Sorry Baby
me: that’s better

there are these baby robins in a nest outside my window and all they do is chirp for attention and food all day so it seems nature is just like twitter

*rubs magic lamp, genie appears*
I wish for World peace.
Genie: Can’t do it.
Million dollars?
Genie: Listen bro, I lied on my genie resume.

SERGEANT [on the radio]: mayday mayday we’ve located an enemy hotspot

ME [bullets dinging my helmet]: oooh get the password Sarge