[listening to twenty one pilots]
ME: ok ok one at a time
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Not all crimes are bad. For example: If there was a crow sized hole in a bank vault & a crow decided to sneak into the vault to bring me a shiny coin, every day, for years… This would be good actually.
Son: “Mommy, look, this is how you draw infinity!”
Me: “Yes, sweetie, that’s so smart!”
Son: “It looks like a hiney.”
Me: I don’t like scones.
British Friend: Ah mate you just haven’t had them the proper way.
Me: What do you mean?
British Friend: You need some good jam, a scoop of clotted cream, have some tea and take sips in between bit-
Me: I dont think you like scones either.
My mother was so overprotective we were only allowed to play rock, paper.
Husband: *gives me two pancakes*
Me: Hey! These paper plates say they hold up to 2 lbs of food.
Husband: And?
Me: Keep stacking, buddy.
a lot of people think Rob is short for Robert, but it’s actually short for ‘Burglary’
Do NOT do this 🙄🙄
Yeah? Well the Bible also tells us that abstinence isn’t 100% effective, Mary.
Police officer: You get to make one phone call.
Me: Do I have to?
Her: but why aren’t the candles ON the cake?
Me: it’s not a birthday cake, Denise. it’s a summoning tart.
police: DROP YOUR WEAPON
me: places my self-deprecating humor gently on the ground
The way Burger King make you feel like a Dickensian orphan when you ask for a second package of sauce is truly something.
Me: Mark from Boston, you’re on the air.
Therapist: You pretend to be a radio host to avoid confrontation.
M: Let’s take another call.
Weird how my husband is so adamant about not having more animals for someone who’s going to own more animals.
Snail cop: So tell me about the sloth that attacked you.
Snail: It all happened so fast.
[Hall of Justice]
Aquaman: How do you expect me to ignite the TNT below Kaiser’s floating fortress?
Waterproof Match Man: Maybe I can help.
My fitness app is exchanging me for a human that works properly.
ACCEPTABLE RISK
Age 12: My parents could find out!
Age 21: This’ll either get me high or kill me!
Age 45: That might get stuck in my teeth.
[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the sock puppet at home tomorrow
WAITERS: alright, what are we thinking for starters?
ME: well, charmander is usually my go-to but squirtle is good as well
My retirement plan is to have an abdomen that can stop a cannonball
I like to sleep with a fan in the bedroom. He makes me feel safe when my eyes are closed and writes really nice letters
God: *creates oceans*
Lucifer: I SEA what you did there LOL
God: Get out
[On a Ferris wheel]
Him *kisses her* this is so perfect!
Her *kisses him back* and so romantic!
Me: It’s weird these things have 3 seats
If someone specifies that you’re book-smart and not street-smart or street-smart but not book-smart, they’re calling you stupid.
[dog catches me bringing a box of fireworks in the house]
Me: Oh hey buddy, this isn’t what it looks like, okay.
Not sure why my doctor prescribed LSD for a case of constipation…until I saw those dragons and totally shit my pants.
Friend: The year is almost over. What have you accomplished?
Me: I don’t like your tone.
Me: Sorry I make bad decisions when overwhelmed
Burnt neighbor who just said hi to me: but why do you have a flamethrower in the first place?
Me: You got that talent from me!
13yo: Don’t take credit for my genuis!