[listening to twenty one pilots]
ME: ok ok one at a time
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Interior designer: Ugh, this is old and outdated.
Me: Wait, did you just point at me?
Me: I learned everything I know about Cinco de Mayo from watching Coco.
Him: Coco was about Day of the Dead, not Cinco-
Me: Cinco, Coco, YOU KNOW I DON’T SPEAK SPANISH, TODD!
ME: Here’s your Mickey Mouse pancake
HER: This isn’t Mickey Mouse shaped
ME: I suppose you’d think banana pancakes should be banana shaped
Ppl who are on Twitter and put intelligent in their bio, good one.
[oval office]
SECRETARY: (shrieks) there’s a dead rat on my desk!
PRESIDENT WHO IS A CAT: wow someone must really like you *winks*
DMV: Please make an appointment for faster service.
Also DMV: Your appointment means nothing. Sit & wait, peasant.
[firing torpedo from submarine]
torpedo: but I don’t know how to do anything else
Ok guys, if anyone asks about what happened to this gallon of ice cream, I was mugged by a family of 8.
Auto correct is like when a 3yo kid wants to help wash the car.its a nice gesture but really its just slowing shit down! 🙂
if how you live this life is reflected by what you become in the next, i kinda wonder what grandpa did to come back as a pot pie?
My biggest fear about being on death row is having to choose a last meal. “I don’t know, what do you want?”
I refuse to use the self-checkout isle at a store. What I will do is occasionally post up at the exit and ask to check shoppers receipts. If I’m gonna work at your store for free, I’m picking my own position.
Imagine the time we’d save if we could just normalize best friends sitting in on marital discussions and arguments so we wouldn’t have to relay all the details later.
Therapist: So what happened in your last relationship?
I lost him to addiction.
Therapist: I’m so sorry. Drugs?
Yes please.
It’s pretty embarrassing how all these guys keep falling for this cute bartender’s flirting, when it’s obvious she’s totally into me.
“Houston we … are fine.”
Female astronaut probably
The only thing left for CNN to do is drop Wolf Blitzer in the Indian Ocean and see how long it takes to find him.
If you breakdance you buy dance.
NATURE DOCUMENTARY NARRATOR: After the python has consumed a huge meal, it’s reduced mobility can leave it open to predation.
ME: It’s fullnerable.
WIFE: Get out.
18 is TOO young to get married!
You can’t even buy booze at 18!
If you can’t buy booze, how the hell are you gonna make a marriage work?!?
Got fired by Twitter. I was responsible for summoning demons to fulfill the prophecy. They said I wasn’t summoning fast enough
me: *googling* am I dying
web md: nope just sad
me: oh good
web md: and extremely melodramatic tbh
me: that’s fair
web md: and I think your anxiety would be more manageable if you got a job and paid rent
me: *shouting from the basement* mom did you hack my computer again
I’m starting to get to the age where I need a well thought out plan in order to stand up.
this makes me so uncomfortable
[on a first date]
Her: Have you ate here before?
Me: Yeah, my wife and I come here all the time
How to pet your cat:
1) start with their favourite spot
2) wrong
I know exactly how President Obama feels. Every time my kids are forced to listen to me, they make angry Republican faces.
imagine a dolphin. now imagine a small dog. folks there is plenty more where that came from
When his teacher told us that our toddler is kind and sweet to the other kids in school I was so relived. If he treated other people the way he treated me he’d be in jail.