Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

How about the people in fast food commercials look like they actually eat fast food?

I can’t feel my face when I’m with you, but I love it.

Doctor: This is your third Botox appointment. That wasn’t even funny the first time.

I’m sorry I stabbed all your tires, but in my defense you flirted with me and then said you were just kidding.

Mustaches are just nose hairs that believed in themselves

Them: Can you help me?

Me: I don’t work here.

Them: Oh, sorry. *leaves*

My boss: You need to stop doing that.

All your most annoying Facebook friends have shared this with the caption “wow, really makes you think.

[ Medical Website to retrieve your STD test results ]

**SIGN IN WITH FACEBOOK**

superhero movie: this already insanely hot person discovers they have numerous additional gifts

me: this is relatable as hell

cop: PUT YOUR HANDS UP
me: *puts hands up and my shirt rises exposing my entire stomach*
cop: SIR PUT YOUR HANDS BACK DOWN

Remember that weird kid who ate the batteries in middle school? Well he’s a millionaire now! Just kidding, he died. He ate batteries.

Not saying I was a gullible kid but my sister once gave me scissors and said “Grandma needs us to trim the carpet”

There are four main food groups:

1. Canned
2. Frozen
3. Drive-thru
4. Fried

*yells up to treehouse*
me: what are you girls doin?
them: *yells back* chattin and braidin!
me: *climbing up* WAIT ARE THOSE BOY’S NAMES, I DON’T KNOW ANYMORE

She agreed to a second date but when I went to pick her up, her place was a Spirit Halloween. So now I’m not sure if she ghosted me or just stepped out for coffee real quick

There are two types of people in the world, those who sweat when eating spicy food and those whose nose drips when eating spicy food.

Every time you reply to a text from your ex, Taylor Swift completes another album.

Don’t be an enabler. Drop the phone.

Back in my day we rode our bikes without helmets. Back in my day we rode our bikes without helmets.

Just signed up for free HBO, but the terms and conditions were so steep I think I also agreed to carry Steve Buscemi’s baby.

“I don’t see color.”

-dogs

My kid asked me to please “be cooler” around his friends and l’m not even cool around MY friends so idk who he thinks he’s dealing with

When I was younger, I was so stupid,
I made bad decisions that will haunt
me for the rest of my life.

And by “younger” I mean yesterday.

BELLE: *Trying to be polite* So, why do they call you Beast?

BEAST: *Legitimately surprised and hurt* People call me Beast?

[hot air balloon ride]
DAD: *kicks basket* how many miles you get in this thing?

I told my bosses I needed the day off tomorrow and they said “mom, when we say no, the answer is no.”

#ThisExplainsWhy my hair is such a mess EVERY morning!

I love how once you hit 30 every conversation can be turned into a competition for how little effort was put into pulling a muscle.

I bet the kids in Mrs. Doubtfire were surprised when found out their nanny was famous actor Robin Williams the whole time.

Professor: There’s no such thing as stupid questions
Me: *clears throat

The longer you’re married, the more foreplay it takes to get her excited. I’m up to a week and a half now 🤨