Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My toddler puts his pants on just like everyone else.

One arm at a time.

professor x: whats your superpower?

ostrich: i lay big egg

professor x [telepathically to x-men]: i can save us money on breakfast

ostrich [telepathically]: egg no for sale

A tall guy in movie theater just sat in front of me and he’s on a date so he’s going to have good posture the whole time this sucks

Women never find it devilishly charming when I follow them into the lady’s room. Thanks a lot, “Top Gun”.

Not sure if my pedicure tech asked, “you need chrome on your toes?” or “unicorn on your toes?” so I just nodded while trying to decipher it in my head, and now it’s too late. I’d be so easy to kidnap.

The most horrifying thing I’ve ever heard:
“MOMMY! MOMMY! I think I just did SCIENCE in the bathroom!”

I just learned that snails can sleep for 3 years at a time and it looks like I have a new spirit animal (sorry wombats)

Me: [2013] I don’t trust anyone I meet online
Me: [2018] last night I met someone on Twitter and we’re moving in together to become paranormal investigators

I don’t wanna brag but I have definitely pet my slippers thinking they were my cat

Me: *[pulls back shower curtain]
“Dinner will be ready in 10 minutes”

Him: “Who the hell are you and should I be scared?”

13: *shoulders slumped dramatically, walking away from me* NO ONE ELSE’S MOM still makes them clean their room in a pandemic!

Something good is coming my way I can feel it. Nothing life changing, probably just a hotdog

God please let it be a hotdog

Seriously, if I were a manager at Burger King, my answer to every complaint would be, “You’re at Burger King.”

Evil Scientist: I will turn you three into…A Human Centipede!

Hostage 1: No!

Hostage 2: Please! No!

Me: So…who gets to be the front?

Toddlers and Tiaras: Fat, sexually frustrated soccer moms invest their husband’s money in ruining their daughter’s lives.

Someone stole my debit card, went and spent $60 at a restaurant and only left a $4 tip. It’s not even your card, and you leave a $4 tip. Unreal

[doctors exam]

“I’m feeling a lump here. Here’s another. You have several lumps.”

-uh oh, what does that mean doc?

“it means you’re fat”

Please stop putting flyers on my windshield in parking lots. I have no desire to see your new band called “Parking Violation”.

why steal office supplies from work when you could take an extra long bathroom break and steal company time instead

I just love that new Pope smell.

[Hoth Rebel Base]

Leia: How’s Skywalker?
Han: He was nearly frozen when I found him.
Leia: And, now?
Han: Lukewarm.
Leia: …
Han: Hehehe

How many glasses of wine equals two servings of fruit?

Asking for a friend.

Homosexuality was classified as an illness in Sweden in 1979 — Swedes protested by calling into work sick, saying they “felt gay.”

Best spot.. 😅

When I was a kid I remember passing a sign that said “littering 300 fine”

I read that as it was ok to litter after 3 o’clock

I swear, my kids will make me drive them to my own funeral. And then to the mall.

Kids: We’re hungry!

Me: You’re in luck. I have just the thing.

The thing:

When someone slings shit at me, I like to duck and let it hit the person stabbing me in the back.

I do my best parenting lying down (allowing my kids to sleep in the bed with me so they don’t come in and wake me up at 5 am)

OH. COME. ON.