Listens to you abuse me for my cargo shorts.
Reaches into pocket. Pulls out pack of peanut butter cheese crackers. Hands them to you.
I trust that will be the end of that.
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Why tf bills never go on sale ? Can i get a buy one get one month free or something? Damn
There’s a whole world of people out there!
*closes the door*
A friend of mine is allergic to both peanut butter and bees, which he discovered when he bit into the worst sandwich ever.
Boss: And what’s your ideal salary?
Me: Well how much does the position pay?
Boss: That depends on how much you THINK it pays
Me: What if I overestimate how much it pays?
Boss: Then we won’t hire you
Me: What if I underestimate?
Boss: Congrats! You’re our ideal candidate!
Me: I love you more than a flower loves the sun.
10: I love you more than a teenager loves her phone
Him: can we just go back to how it used to be?
Her: awww. Like the day we met?
Him: No, before that.
I was walking past a farm and a sign said: “Duck, eggs!”
I thought: “That’s an unnecessary comma.” – then it hit me.
This tyrannical oppression must end!
-me, complaining about the bra I had to wear today for about two hours total
Me: *eating a cinnamon roll*
3yo: Mommy, I want you to share like a good girl. Sharing is a good thing. *proceeds to take a bite of my food*
My 4yo thinks the ice cream truck is “just a music truck.”
NO ONE TELL HER
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME: I think the router has reset now
GF: Oh thank God
Company loyalty can often be explained by Stockholm syndrome.
On this day eleven years ago, Greece won Euro 2004.
Today, Greece would be happy with 2004 Euros.
I think the blue states should get the taco trucks first, and the red states have to wait, because elections have consequences.
On the second day of Christmas break my children gave to me 37 loads of laundry
Your coworkers will leave you alone in the lunchroom if you answer all their questions in a Porky Pig voice.
New children’s book I’m working on: “Nobody poops but you, you disgusting little freak”.
doctor: what is it?
me: *pulling down pants* is this normal?
doctor: not in the middle of the street it isn’t
Whoever said ‘carbs are not your friend’ does not understand how friendship works.
[campfire]
ME: They say these trees are over 200 years old. Man, if trees could talk…
TREE: Please stop burning my flesh to cook hot dogs.
The only thing I hate more than answering my phone is checking my voice mail messages
You see my problem here
Executioner: Any last words
Me: No, I’m –
My boss, running full speed: WAIT WAAIIIITTTT *gasping* I need you on this conference call
Shoe Salesman: (taking measurements) looks like a size 10 would be a perfect fit
Ronald McDonald: I said (clenching teeth) bring me a size 44
(gets down on one knee) hey I like being close to the ground
“Can I have $20?”
-how teenagers say hello
*On death bed*
Me: I’ve killed…so many..* whole family gasps while gazing intently*
Me: …so many…DM Rooms
I moved to this city ten years ago with nothing more than the money in my pocket and a debit card that gave me access to the rest of my money which was in a bank.
me: [preparing to give eulogy] *takes jacket off*
priest: don’t undress the deceased
The clearest evidence that I’ve gone insane is the fact that I pay monthly for a land line.
Taylor Swift’s future song about Travis Kelce:
you were the chief, but I don’t follow orders
your mama and me, sharing laughs every quarter
when did you talk to me? before or after reporters
it’s like it all was a dream, oh well, always preferred the chargers