Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I know my kids moved back to school by my credit card alerts

I am just a man.

Standing in front of a cat.

Begging them to stop biting electrical wires.

The smallest amount of kindness can change the trajectory of one’s day. But on the flip side a good small pinch on the outside of the upper arm can also change the trajectory of one’s day.
All I can say is, choose wisely.

Astrogeologists: do telescope/remote sensing on distant objects.

Astrologists: use horoscope/do not remotely make sense/object when dissed.

Watching football with your 11 y/o daughter is fun because when you get frustrated at your team, she asks calming questions like, “Daddy, do you really think you can do better than the players?”

[job interview]

“Tell me a strength.”

I’m a decision maker.

“Excellent. How about a weakness?”

I’m a bad decision maker.

trainer: how long can you plank?

me: I pretty much planked after high school tbh

black friday used to have heart. i wanna see someone get clocked for a wii

I tell people I broke my neck playing sports but it was actually from flicking my ponytail to unleash ancient curses.

You say “I ate so much that I’m too full to drink now” I say “poor planning”…

ugh not again

Him: I just poured out 16.9 ounces for my homie.

Her: Just say you filled the dog’s water bowl.

I’ll start buying “smart” appliances when they make a microwave that automatically electrocutes people who put fish in it

Stop and smell the roses. Hug the roses. Procreate with the roses. Have little rose babies.

car salesman: and I’m 95% sure no one has died in the trunk hahaha

me: ok phew haha

*muffled screaming*

car salesman: 100%

You’re never too old to set goals. For example, today I’m not going to pee in my pants.

So maybe downloading the ruler app to measure the snow wasn’t such a great idea

Him: You need to ease up on always picking out the things I do wrong

Me: You make it sound like I do it all the time!

Him: Even when I’m doing good, you have to find a mista…

Me: “Well”…when you’re doing “well”

Him:

Me: Go on…

Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: You love me?
Cop:
Me:
Cop:
Me: Is it because I’m driving a lawnmower?
Cop: Yes.
Me: *floors it*

A smile in Canada is called a smilometre.

Must be a very worrying time for anyone who has dumped a body in a reservoir.

Moms that name their daughters Stacy are the real narcissists.

[after meditating]: I’m still angry, but in a calmer way

my daughter was wearing a flannel hoodie so I said “hey, the 90’s called” and she replied “yeah cause they couldn’t text” and godDAMMIT I’m getting really tired of my kids owning me

my allegiance to alligators is based on a gut feeling. you see, the crocodile deliberately looks like he wants me dead, and as soon as possible. the alligator appears to give less of a shit, generally. so i’m like, sure, that’s something we can deal with. that’s a starting point

Welcome to parenting class. First I will need you to walk barefoot across this floor strewn with legos. Now try to make a dog clean a bedroom. Finally take that pile of money and set it on fire. Congratulations. You’re ready. Here is your baby.

I think my wife has been messing with me, my present this year was two socks that had been missing from the laundry.

I use a wheelchair. When someone asks the person I’m with “What’s her name?” I tell the person I’m with to say “Your guess is as good as mine.”