Listerine, for when you feel like killing all 10,000 taste buds at once.
You Might Also Like
Gandalf: shadowfax, show us the meaning of haste!
Frodo: sweet he’s gonna do that the whole way right?
Gandalf:
Frodo: Gandalf tell me we’re riding this horse the whole way
Gandalf: on an unrelated note how many shoes did you pack?
One minute without you feels like 60 seconds.
What did everyone get for Christmas this year? Just kidding, I know it’s omicron.
What’s it called when you’re a perfectionist but also extremely bad at everything?
sometimes we need to be reminded
[zombie apocalypse]
GUY: It’s not safe here let’s head north.
ME: No, let’s go down to the sewers.
GUY: What’s in the sewers?
ME: [thinking about ninja turtles] Protection.
I would never get a minivan because I can’t even think of 7 people I’d want to be stuck in a vehicle with.
One Flew Over The Cuckoo’s Nest is my favorite book about Twitter
Pro tip: when you’re on your way home, don’t answer your phone.
Someone wants you to stop at the store.
YUCKING OTHER PEOPLE’S YUM IS VERY UNBECOMING
what if we kissed on the garfield couch
Putting some of my hairs on the cat, just to even things out.
my name is luke but my friends dont call me
I hope Kim and Kanye surprise everyone and name this next kid something like Bill or Jen
Girl1: Why are you so happy?
Girl2: I was complimented on my driving today. Someone left a note on my windshield that said “Parking Fine”
Friend: my wife & I had our son very young
Me: so did we, he was just a baby
Well well well, if it isn’t the guy who sprayed air freshener into my restroom stall…
finally caved and watched tiger king. shit is bananas. the uncle killed the dad while the kid watched, then the kid ran away and hung out with a warthog and a meerkat for years? then he hallucinated his dad talking to him from the sky? weird
Slowly crawl towards your sleeping dog, put your face directly next to its face, and whisper “I know it’s been you shitting in my yard.”
Bringing home a sharpie
God: Build me an ark.
Noah: A what?
God *pinching his nose*: A big boat.
Noah *looking around the desert*: A what?
My husband keeps insisting we try 69, but I think we should keep the thermostat at 72 degrees this winter.
This lady was being so rude to me in the grocery line so rather than say anything to her, I invited everyone behind her to go ahead of me. Today, I had time.
Names that sound like Tarzan describing people:
William Hurt
Emily Blunt
Edgar Wright
John Goodman
Shelley Long
Timothy Treadwell
Emma Stone
Jack Black
Daughter: Before the internet how’d you get anything done?!
Me: I don’t remember honey. Google it.
*Reads about a Salmonella outbreak on lettuce
-NEVER eats Salad again!
*Reads about the dangers of Alcohol poisoning
-NEVER reads again!
Why’s it always “nyc smells like pee” and never “my pee smells like the greatest city in the world”
It’s so cold today, I just grabbed the first 2 kids that got off the bus.
They look like nice kids, the redhead seems a little feisty.
Me when my kids were little: I hope people like them and they make lots of friends
Me now: WHY ARE MY KIDS’ FRIENDS ALWAYS HERE
IDEA: an app that tells you where that bruise came from.