Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

6yo: I got dressed, took my vitamins and got my cereal.

Me: My baby is all grown up, she doesn’t need me anymore! [Sobbing]

6yo: Ummmm well I still can’t spell supercalifragilisticexpialidocious!

Me: ᴺᵉᶦᵗʰᵉʳ ᶜᵃⁿ ᴵ [sobbing]

“I’d like to speak with a manager”

I’m an Atheist till the electricity goes out.

With a text.

[During surgery]
DR DOG: Suction please.
NURSE: But there’s no bleeding.
DR DOG: I know *drooling* but just look at that liver!

Unless you’re a female bat and you gave birth hanging upside down, I’m not interested in hearing about how your baby was born.

Buying a new phone isn’t even satisfying anymore. It’s literally just your old phone with a haircut.

Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss… but you won’t miss.

You’ve trained your whole life for this.

Take the shot.

Kill the moon.

I would request a bunch of Ambien as my last meal so I would look hardcore as hell by falling asleep at my own execution

do I have to register a drone if I only plan to use it to see where I left a cup of water without getting out of bed?

I have two years left on my looks. Four if I work out.
So 2 years.

My cousin met her husband five years ago on tinder and are now married with kids but she still has him in her phone as “Tom Tinder”

I act really tough for a person who spent $40 on cookies I dont like because a girl scout  was crying

How many minutes after someone’s fired is it cool to take their stapler?

Snakes are refusing to fly on Boeing Max planes.

I’m on a strict seafood diet where I cover everything in salt.

“You gotta keep ’em separated!” -the dude from the Offspring whenever he’s doing laundry.

Me: we’ve got to get this teenager out of the house

Her: great, you can teach him to drive

Me: *googling “affordable college no high school diploma”*

When comedians die, why does everyone tell them to “make God laugh”? You wouldn’t order a dead carpenter to “make God some bookshelves.”

The most horrifying thing I’ve ever heard:
“MOMMY! MOMMY! I think I just did SCIENCE in the bathroom!”

“Shut up or I’ll eat your lunch.” Bad fight script writing or okay parenting? You decide.

My grandfather just figured out what instagram is so now he says “#nofilter” after every casually racist comment he makes.

“I farms the taters…”
“…and I mashes the taters.”

[Turing Test]
Tester: Let’s start with an easy one, the square root of 29241?
Subject: 171!
Tester:
Subject: I meant, idk math is hard. lol

I told my 14yo there’s a muppet who is dealing with drug addiction and he said “they all are. Look at their eyes”

I am HOWLING at this

“You called about a break-in?”
“I did.”
“Anything stolen?”
“Just some food.”
“Anything else?”
“She messed up the furniture.”
“She?”
“Blonde girl. Jumped out the window.”

Wife: I swear, I’m gonna kill my boss

Me: please don’t; it’ll get better

Wife: aww, thanks for the suppo-

Me: *interupting* no way you’re making me a single dad of 2 while you just chill in prison

Life Lessons From Cats:

• take more naps

• rules were meant to be broken

• it’s okay to hide when you’re scared

• always demand respect

• if you have an itch, scratch it

• find joy in the simple things

• you can bury your shit but eventually someone’s gonna find it