Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

At this point, I think the people on “The Walking Dead” are trying to bore the zombies into not biting them.

CIA boss: I’ve been informed there is a mole in the office

*gasps*

CIA: I called janitorial but they haven’t found it yet

*laughter*

CIA: also someone in here leaked info

*gasps*

CIA: because tim found out about his surprise bday party

*laughter*

CIA: also someone’s a spy

“Let me get this straight, you got your asses kicked by four fully mature mutant ninja turtles?”

“No, sir, it’s actually worse than that.”

An app that scans phone lines for fax machines and sends the word “why”.

How many dates should you wait before revealing that you’re not proficient in Excel?

When my kids ask me anything before coffee

[Twister]
DOG 1: left paw green
DOG 2: i told u this was a terrible idea
DOG 1: cmon Jim just pick the green one
DOG 2: THEYRE ALL GREY GARY

The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.

I have never seen a single “when animals attack” video that I wasn’t rooting for the animal.

My client has retained me to cancel plans with you.

House Hunters:
“Well I gotta be near the beach. A heliport would be a plus. I need 9 bedrooms, an IMAX theater & a moat. My budget is $314.”

waiter: how was your roast duck sir

me: fine, i’ll take the bill now

waiter: sorry sir but we don’t serve that part

me: no no, i need to pay

waiter: your hair looks fine to me sir

So you’ve had white presidents, a black president and now an orange one. I’m crossing my fingers for the Hulk next time around.

*picks up the bagel again*
sorry i gotta take this one
*leaves office & talks on the bagel for 15 minutes solid*

I have never been more inspired by anything than this work of art

A person becomes 10 times more attractive not by their looks but by photoshop

How many raisins do I have to add to this bag of M&Ms before it qualifies as trail mix? One? I say one.

My kid set up a play office then kicked me out so he could have a meeting, which…I mean…fair enough

I got pulled over for the first time in my life today.

I thought: what would Twitter tell me to do?

I decided against all those options and took the ticket.

There are few situations in life which have to be resolved with violence for example-

Mosquito on your ex’s cheek.

Hostess: It’s a 15 minute wait. May I have your name?

Me: Baron Von Gerhardt, heir to the throne of Osterburken.

Hostess:

Me: Write it down.

this is why god doesn’t talk to us anymore

Have you decided on dinner?
“Yes, I’ll have the chicken, grilled.”
Very good.
*hears waiter yelling at chicken*
WHERE WERE YOU LAST TUESDAY

Wow, the Fire Marshall really has no sense of humor these days.

Divorce update: my ex is accusing me of stealing canned soup from our former home

Maybe the dog broke my wife’s vintage cranberry glass vase, she don’t know.

Good news

date: this is so romantic

me: just the two of us

date: and the stars

me: and the moon

the moon: *winks at my date*

me: *narrowing eyes* son of a-

honestly it just makes me fat free italian when u tell me salad dressings aren’t a good way to describe emotions

USPS: does this package contain any perishables
me, in a cake, in the box: I’LL BE FINE