Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: if i had a time machine, i’d go back and kill–
Guy: Baby Hitler, we know
Me: …everyone who has ever interrupted me

“Dad, can you explain the eclipse to me?”

“No sun.”

Be kind or be quiet. As the old saying goes, “If you can’t say anything nice, then you get the duct tape.”

I switched to watching horror movies, because literally anything is less scary.

You are never alone with Cthulhu in your mind. #WednesdayWisdom

[at funeral] You really had to see him live

Kudos to Google for starting a company before you could Google, “How to start a company?”

Person on another social media site described themselves as an “unobservant atheist” and I had to sit down in my rocker and let my addled brain try to puzzle that one out.

What idiot called it a rattlesnake’s warning rattle and not a cautionary tail?

“Cake by the Ocean” probably has some alternate meaning but I’m too old to really care so I like to think it’s about a nice, young fellow eating birthday cake on the beach.

wow it’s a good thing this mug says “COFFEE” on it, I was about to wear it like a hat

Bad news world, my biker gang ‘The Sons Of Panicky’ are finally back out on the streets and oh my god the traffic is SO heavy, maybe we should go back and try again tomorrow

Grasping the ungraspable with Gorilla Glue. Now it’s mine. Forever. Oh.

6: I want to pick something out for your birthday next week

Me: ok, think about the things I like and enjoy doing and then we’ll go get it

6: you’re getting a chainsaw. And maybe a sword.

Me:… sweet

My third bottle of wine was able to “breathe” for a few hours when I opened it at 3am and passed out on the floor.

Batman Begins Crossdressing #AddAWordRuinAMovie

Cop: “Do you have any idea how fast you were going?”

Shark: *eats cop*

It’s easy to tell hedgehogs from porcupines. Porcupines aren’t blue.

Champagne lovers are bubblyophiles

I spend a lot of time trying to prevent the people who know something weird about me from ever meeting and exchanging information.

coming home late…

Me: Hey babe. What’s for dinner?
Her: Where the hell have you been?
Me: Didn’t we have that last night?

what strings did peacocks pull to be allowed to just vibe around the zoo?

Take me down to the paradise city where the salmon are jumping and the tubes are fishy

Bird: We can fly so we can go anywhere, soar through the skies, glide through the air!!

Bird 2: It’s incredible!!

Bird: imma stand in the road

Bird 2: Me too

[Playing piano to impress a Russian girl]
“Do you like it?”
Her: That’s sheet music
“Yes, it is.”
Her: Now excuse me, I huv to take a sheet.

baker: making perfect baked goods is all about precise measurements

me: cool can i get a dozen muffins pls?

baker: sure thing *hands me 13 muffins*

I guess my least favorite author is probably Hitler

This fake stomach ache feels like I’ll be leaving work early today to go to a bar to watch the Steelers game.