Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Your odds are greater of being killed by a coconut rather than a shark and this is exactly why I don’t swim in coconut-infested waters.

You guys would not believe the roller coaster of emotions I’ve been through

Scientists say that dinosaurs and humans didn’t coexist but the makers of The Flintstones clearly dispute this so I’m not sure.

When the intruder towards Virat Kohli at Eden Gardens – VK couldn’t control his laugh seeing policeman’s reaction 😂

“building-building building building building-building building”

(translatiom: structur-making tower makimg another structure-making tower)

He died doing what he loved, trying to use a hammerhead shark for carpentry

I’ve got a joke about Sean Connery’s brother’s attractive daughter. It’s pretty niche.

My husband is a mumbler, but that doesn’t stop him from telling me I’m beautiful… I’m pretty sure that’s what he’s saying anyway.

Most people call me “bad at pickup lines”

But you?

You can call me tonight.

The part right before bench pressing when you’re laying down but not lifting is so good

Someone left a handful of random candy scattered on my doormat and I’m having the hardest time recalling whose van I got into recently…

i eat one snickers a day to build up immunity in case someone tried to kill me with snickers

Me: Please wait to eat your Craisins until we’re in the car
*5 secs later
Me: What’re you eating?
5yo: *Mouthful of Craisins* ……Nothing

Offered my barber $50 for the cape thingy he puts over me. I’ll never eat an office hotdog loaded with mustard in fear again.

if you have a dog and don’t greet it by singing “hello barkness, my old friend” then what’s the point

Me: These eye makeup remover pads are amazing.
Mom: Those are medicated hemorrhoidal pads.

I was just shushed.
*sharpening knife*

Last time I went to confession, the priest made me pause so he could open the urban dictionary on his phone.

I’m looking for a guy in finance
Trustworthy
Six eyes
Blue pies

Okay, so he doesn’t exist but neither does the guy in the original version

School taught me fractions like if you’re on your third fifth of whiskey you haven’t even had a full whiskey yet

Could u imagine you send ur son off to professor Xs school thinkin he has a better life now, you look on the tv and juggernaut just threw him into a building lmfaoooooo

My husband ate the last chicken nugget so I’m single now.

One nice thing about your 30s is people talk less about figuring themselves out and more about where the best sandwiches are.

Sure, I’ll come to your party

*hangs out with the Roomba when I see they have no pets

Genuinely stunned France has adopted the word “wifi” rather than “le signal librement accessible sans l’utilisation de fils” or some shit.

9: *talks about Minecraft*
Me: *hears white noise* cool
9: *eyes narrow* which part was the coolest
Me: *eyes narrow* the part…
9:
Me: …with the…
9:
Me: *sweating*…ender dragon
9:
Me:
9: cool
Me: cool

I just spent 15 minutes searching for my phone in my room, using my phone as a flashlight…

how come some families are all, like, “we’re direct descendants of many important historical figures,” & my family is all, like, “that raccoon is your uncle cletus.”

When bagging my groceries make sure to keep the radioactive bananas away from the mercury laden tuna.
That’s too much death in one bag.

All of you number neighbor people are going to get yourselves killed. Stop talking to strangers that could potentially live near you. You’re going to get murdered or make a friend. Both are terrible.