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My boyfriend is so needy. Always demanding things like “please untie me” and “just tell me who you are”.
I don’t cheat on my diet by eating pizza, I cheat on my pizza by going on a diet.
How do you cut ancient Rome in half?
With a pair of Caesars
Dating as an adult is hard because even when you do meet somebody you like there are very few opportunities to engineer a situation so that you’re cast opposite one another in a school play.
Blind dates are the best because they can’t see me stealing all of the food from their plate
A lot can be said about the difference between a Guy and a Man
Someone known colloquially as the Noodle Guy could probably tell you about all sorts of different pasta shapes and what sauces pair with them
But The Noodle Man is someone known to authorities
Me: *tips the waiter*
Waiter: *angrily climbing out the lobster tank*
Recently, I’ve been politely refusing all invitations with, “I’d rather drink my own blood.”
Since getting the new iPhone with fingerprint unlock technology I’ve never worried so much about losing my thumb.
My husband said I talk too much, so we had a nice long chat about that!
This has to be a terrible time for roadstop serial killers
My autopsy is going to be surprising as hell because I am 100% filled with mashed potatoes
me: could you put this ring at the bottom of my date’s champagne glass
waiter: [refusing to take the funyun] no
The trick to taking your toddler to a movie is making sure there is another toddler in the theatre who is behaving worse.
Holy shit he’s back
A couple who are silly together stay together.
My 16 yr old has a mandatory sophomore Catholic school retreat that lasts 24 hours. No phones allowed. His argument against going, “I just can’t.”
Me, “It’s tradition. Even I did it. All your siblings did it. Nothing can stop it. Absolutely nothing. Period.”Coronavirus: LOL.
When you were a kid, you said “But I’m not tired!” at some point, and you had no idea that it was the last time you’d ever utter that phrase.
“Do you need help with your math homework Billy?”
“Yeah I sure do Dad!”
“Well you’re shit out of luck”
LIFE HACK: If you want to remember something write it upside down on the back of your underwear waistband. You’ll see it when you’re pooping
My daughter helped make dinner and decided to cook the entire box of spaghetti so if any of you gets hungry in like the next month and half hit us up
If I were Spock, I would spend 24 hours a day saying things like “get out of my Vulcan face” and “are you Vulcan kidding me?”
My definition of the word ‘mansion’ becomes looser and looser every year. Oh ur asbestos bungalow has flyscreens? Um ok your Highness
‘Twas the day before Lent, and when it was done, not a creature was sober, not even a nun.
You guys are all saying that it’s a parody account that tweeted that she was offended when a guy opened a door for her but the same thing happened with me. I too held open a door for a lady she yelled at me and told me to get out of the ladies bathroom.
[sexting]
HER: ok well i think we’re done here lol
ME: it’s bc i used ‘betwixt’ isn’t it?[typing ellipses for a solid minute]
HER: yes
Thinking of leaving a fake bloody arm inside the blood pressure machine at this CVS pharmacy.
Kid: if you could turn invisible, what’s the first thing you would do?
Me: take a nap
Want to get rid of your boyfriend without killing him?
Send him to the grocery store for water chestnuts.
Mine has been gone 5 months.
mafia boss: “i want you to send tony the rat a message”
me: “like what”
mafia boss: “a horses head or sumthin”
me: [sends txt: “hey tony 🐴”]