Literally! 🤣 #dogs
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My kids publicly asked Santa for a baby brother, and my husband and I publicly yelled for him to “SHUT IT DOWN NOW, SANTA!”
I bet whenever a pilot drives a car there’s a brief moment of panic like “why isn’t it going up??”
My dog tried to put one paw on the floor instead of the scale when she was being weighed and I was like, “I got you girl”
So many conspiracy theory tweets on my timeline right now about Kate Middleton, when the actual answer is staring us all right in the face: she abandoned her family to do an intensive, residential Photoshop course, and pretended to be having surgery to cover it up.
[first yoga class]
me: a mistake there has been
I never finish anything. I have a black belt in partial arts.
Every time I go swimming I instantly get hungry.
*puts foot in pool*
*eats a taco*
*puts other foot in pool*
*eats another taco*
[carrying too many items]
store clerk: would you like a basket
me: no thanks my arms are full
Sorry but I’m not taking lessons in communication from a baby
Her: How were the joggers I got you for your birthday?
Dracula: Delicious
If someone stole my identity I would be like, “Haha now you have no money and you’re bad at basketball.”
i guess his teacher was really pissed
God: you’re a mosquito.
Mosquito: what does that mean?
God: you feed on blood.
Mosquito: i’m a vampire?
God: no.
Mosquito: oh.
God: you can fly.
Mosquito: i’m a vampire!
God: no.
Mosquito: oh.
God: garlic repels you.
Mosquito: [happy gasp] i’m an itty-bitty vampire!
Homeless dude asked me for $10. Thought it was greedy but realized that we were standing outside Whole Foods. Totally legitimate request.
*ex-Olive Garden server shoveling dirt into a fresh grave*
Tell me when.
I’m not a religious person but I do call my water bottle Jesus because its contents magically turn to wine at any of my kids sporting events.
Mom: I think I’m gonna make a twitter
Me: Mom it costs like $500 a year…
Mom: That’s expensive I’ll stick with Facebook
Me: Aww too bad
My dentist told me I needed to cut back on the red wine and coffee, so I told her she should cut back on the Botox and Aqua Net. Anyway, that’s why my mouth is bleeding in 14 different places now.
My son went over to a friend’s house & his Mom asked when we wanted him home. From her expression I think she was expecting a time, not day.
You know it’s really easy to sit back and make fun of everything instead of trying to actually help. That’s why I do it.
[talking to life insurance agent]
Let me get this right. I pay you until I die, then someone ELSE gets the money? No thanks.
is it too early for christmas memes
If I answer my phone and you ask for me by my full name, there’s a 100% chance we’re about to be disconnected.
Neighbors having their yearly Xmas party. Not invited again. So don’t tell me the screaming drunken outdoor fights don’t pay off.
been a while since anyone declared a thumb war, peace has made us all soft.
The male mayfly, living for just 1 day, has only 12 hours to become successful enough to buy a sports car, get hair plugs, and start sleeping with his secretary.
power’s been out for a bit. candlelight is less sexy when you’re using it to feed your puking baby whilst eating cold soup
I’m not saying that my husband is trying to kill me….
… I’m just saying that if I die from walking into an open kitchen cabinet that he’s the dumbass who left it open.
[first date]
Her: omg are you wearing a cape? Lol
Me: [texting mom] ok you were right about the cape