Literally! 🤣 #dogs
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WIFE: Why are you wearing camo?
ME: Crap. You can see me?
WIFE: Put those cookies back.
If I ever tell you to “Be the ball,” I’m not coaching you…I’m preparing you for my nine iron.
butterfly in the sky, i can go twice as high?? You’re starting your song dissing a key pollinator? For what?
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of going out and spending hours talking and drinking we can spend hours waiting for a toddler to eat a chicken tender.
My dad loves telling the story of when I was young I asked ”when is someone going to die, so I can move from the kids’ table?”
philosophical skeletons be like
I told the baby to stop throwing her cup and she immediately grabbed it, took a long drink, threw it across the room and then looked me dead in the eye and said, “Uh oh.”
mom: I’m not your friend I’m your mother!
[20 years later]
mom: why won’t you accept my friend request on FB? I’m your mother
COP: Can you describe the bear that attacked you?
ME: Less huggable than you’d think
Fish don’t seem that stupid to me. If a burrito dropped out of the sky and hung in mid air I’d prob eat it.
how do lawyers not cry when arguing
Hope you’ve already had the back to school conversation with your kids? You know the one where you threaten them to not volunteer you for stuff before asking you first?
if i text u “🪗” it means u better start acting accordingly
Okay stranger, it’s clear that we walk at the exact same pace, speed up or at least hold my hand.
There has to be a better way for smoke detectors to say hey, the battery is low. Currently, they strike in the middle of the night like a serial killer, playing a twisted game of which one of the seven in the house needs immediate attention, taunting us with its three chirps.
Heard a rival dad in the neighborhood was handing out full size candy bars so now every trick-or-treater that comes to my door is getting an entire rotisserie chicken.
Dear Electric Company,
You’re welcome. Go buy yourself something special.
-My family, every summer.
Me, to 10yo: The first step in doing your math homework is *starts crying*
I have tendinitis so bad the doctor told me it was twentydinitis.
Neighbor may have just called the cops after hearing me yell at the cat for stealing my cheese bread
Your husband’s super cute, is he single?
“There’s a creepy bleeding witch who doesn’t look friendly. She has cheese though.”
– my husband, deciding whether to interact with a character in a video game
god: *inventing horse* this is pretty fast
angel: and so wild
god: only a lunatic would ride one
angel: are you—
god: —ima make a lunatic
My husband has been making pancakes and eggs for breakfast every morning and my kids are becoming accustomed to a standard I am not prepared to maintain after he returns to work.
My 4yo told me to hold her baby as she walked away with her dad. My 4yo left me in a restaurant alone with a fake baby in my arms. I should’ve put the the baby down, but I didn’t. I just held it like a real baby. Why? Idk why. Parenthood is wild.
depression: everything is terrible
me: yeah, let’s buy stuff online
anxiety: you can’t afford that
me: okay guys, one at a time
Welcome to your 40s, you now don’t understand a single word anyone under 25 is saying
Dear people who combine Christmas and birthday gifts,
WE HATE YOU!
Sincerely,
Everyone born in December.
It’s not Christmas until I see Snoopy eating 37 human femurs.