Literally! 🤣 #dogs
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It is officially too cold for Canadians to pretend liking cold weather is part of our cultural identity
the 1 thing i ask in life is for someone to use my bathroom and come out and say “wow that is the cleanest toliet I’ve ever seen”
Pretty disrespectful of Jesus to rise during Passover when his body was made of bread.
Ichabod Crane in the streets the headless horseman in the sheets
Pro Tip: don’t fall asleep during the middle of an argument with your spouse over whether or not you pay attention to her.
inmate: hey man why so sad
me: my mom brought me a cake but the warden made me share it with everyone
inmate: didn’t you get a piece though?
me: not the one with the file in it
*At restaurant trying to impress date*
Me: How are these prepared?
Waiter: The dinosaur chicken nuggets? In a microwave.
Me: Excellent.
Americans who pronounce Z like Ted are given Canadian citizenship, free Timbits for life, and one pet baby moose.
[intensive care]
NURSE: I’ll never leave your side, DO YOU HEAR ME?!
ME [patient]: wow, I didn’t realize how intense the care was here.
Kids at bedtime are like the song being downloaded on a dial up connection which has been stuck at 99%
I’m trying to write.
My wife is pounding with a hammer in the garage.
I’m trying to write.
The dog is barking at the hammer noise.
I’m trying to write.
Kids next door are playing football and screaming “Omaha! Omaha!”, apparently their next big play.
…I’m trying to write.
I still close the bathroom door when I’m home alone bc I don’t want the murderer to break in and see me on the toilet.
“This sunscreen smells like eggs.” -me, drunk at the lake and smearing myself with mayonnaise
[playing trivia]
me: what year did rambo come out?
my wife: *gasp* rambo’s gay??
Even though he murders a lot of people, you can tell Freddie Kruger is a fun loving guy cause he goes by Freddie and not Fred or Frederick
Mimes are known to commit
unspeakable acts.
i did a little research on why weekends are only two days long and it turns out people made that up. wtf people
Throwing burgers around furniture because I have a hunch that termites only eat wood because they have not tried anything tastier.
When my wife wanted to have a second child – her exact words were “it’s just rinse and repeat”.
To this day that’s still the funniest joke she’s ever told.
A large group of people is called an eww no thank you
[crime scene]
ROOKIE COP: but why would a chicken kill himself?
DETECTIVE: *lowers shades* to get to the other side
*rookie cop vomits*
“It’s fine. I’ll get over it.”
TRANSLATION: I will remember every detail of what you did until I draw my last mortal breath.
Saying someone is doing something “like a boss” to me is an insult because my boss does things half assed & incorrectly then blames others
my toddler is intentionally throwing food on the floor and then yelling “UH OH” which is maddening as hell and also uncomfortably reminiscent of my own process in life choices
My mother-in-law doesn’t get migraines. She gives them.
I put my baby on the baby changing station in the bathroom and when I was done, it was the same baby. 🙁
[calls work] I’m sorry I can’t come into work today
“is everything alright?”
[getting owned in an argument on YouTube] no
The cool thing about ignoring a notification is being surprised to see it over and over again
Silence of the Lambs is so relatable to me cuz I also understand the importance of moisturizing
My husband and I are very compatible.
He’s a problem solver and I have lots of them.