Literally! 🤣 #dogs
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Every Independence Day I get a little bit disappointed when aliens don’t try to take over the world.
honestly it’s up to you whether or not you refer to it as the Last Supper or the First Murder Mystery Dinner
It’s extremely difficult to search my tweets when I constantcessantly make up nonsensicalistic words and greatastic werges.
ME: Thanks for all you did man. It’s because of people like you, we have our freedom.
HIM: Again, I’m a veterinarian.
I always thought a fortress was a female fort.
My 5 yr old has “letter bags” at school. Each week we put items into the bag to represent each letter. This week is V. She told us one kid brought “pills”.
Me: Viagra?!
5: I don’t know.
Me: Valium?! Vicodin?!
5: Yeah, maybe….Husband: Vitamins.
Me: Oh, that makes more sense.
Have manufacturers of picket fences ever gone on strike? Because the irony would be awesome.
Take your time, I’ll wait.
Judas is buying everyone shots.
Seems to have a bit more cash than normal…..
Good for him
FRIEND: [over the phone] Do you think the quarantine has changed you?
ME: [knitting a dress for the raccoons in my backyard] No
i see you kids buying pre-rolled joints and now i understand the pain my grandpa felt when i told him i paid somebody to change my car’s oil
WHAT IF LIBRARIES HAD POSTED MEMES IN THE EIGHTIES: a thread
Hey, people who leave the volume on an odd, non divisible by 5 number, how do you live with yourselves?!
I carry two flashlights in case I ever have to help an airplane land.
Be the reason why your local woods are haunted
Just got off the phone with my mom. She had a nice talk.
What i said : I really like this song
What i meant : Shut your face for the next few minutes
Jesus Christ is trending? What the heck did he do THIS time?
Why tf bills never go on sale ? Can i get a buy one get one month free or something? Damn
ACTORS’ TIP: can’t afford headshots? run a red light and use the photo they mail you. as a bonus you can add “driving stunts” to your resume
Placing quotations in “different spots” really give others the “false idea,” especially when I’m talking about their “wife.”
A song called “Baby It’s Not *THAT* Cold Outside” where I’m just trying to get the lady to leave
Me: “This new flavour of Pringles is horrible.”
Wife: “You’re eating a tube of tennis balls.”
As I was getting into bed she said: You’re drunk.
I said, how do you know?
She said, You live next door.
No one:
My kid at 6am: if we plant a sausage maybe we can grow a sausage tree
“WHY ARE THEY STEALING OUR TRASH!?”
~ My kid, horrified that the garbage men are doing their job.
I told my wife that if she has any problems she can talk to me like she talks to her girlfriends so we’re discussing why I’m such a idiot.
Getting colagen injections in my lips next week ’cause, you know, ’tis the season to be Jolie.
“That’s so cool,” she lied.
“Welcome to the jungle”
Thanks.
“We’ve got fun and games”
Cool.
“You’re in the jungle”
We’ve established this
“You’re gonna die!”
Wait what?
My ex boyfriend was into two types of women:
1) Me
2) My Best Friend