Literally! 🤣 #dogs
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Here’s another great thing about hot tubs [pulls out a bowl of fully cooked ramen from under the water]
My hips? Compulsive liars.
He threw his hands in the air.
And he waved em like he just didn’t care.
In hindsight, he was the worst airplane runway guide we ever hired.
Probably the worst thing about pyramid schemes is how they make you advertise to all your friends and family that you are part of a pyramid scheme.
My husband pissed me off so I went shopping for the afternoon, with all of our remotes.
@NoogsCorner
Sub-Zero: Ok fineScorpion: Give me a hug
Sub-Zero: Umm no..
Scorpion: GET OVER HERE
There’s a class war brewing on the farm. It’s the hooves and the hoof nots.
As part of our environmental commitment, we recycled* 84 tons of aluminium, 6 tons of rubber, 5 tons of glass and 14 miles of wiring just this morning alone.
*a plane missed the runway
A conspiracy board but for when we are trying to figure out what we want for dinner.
It’s ok, fake Christmas tree…
…my lights don’t all go on anymore either.
So weird that my kids will touch every handle in the house except the one that flushes the toilet
Me: Why won’t my friends talk to me anymore
Also me: I’m hummuspilled. I’m going chickpea mode. I’m in my garbanzo era.
I didn’t read the safety instructions on the super glue at first, but now I can’t put them down.
Before we get too excited about rising follower counts, it’s good to remember that people also stop to look at accidents.
I had fruit and yogurt for breakfast.
And 6 donuts for second-breakfast.
Captcha: Click on every photo of a real tunnel
Wile E Coyote: oh no
new wife guy just dropped
Did you come from a “never take medicine for any reason whatsoever” family or a “you might get a headache today, take 12 advil” family
Garfield: I hate Mondays
Therapist: You don’t even have a job
That awkward moment when you try something on in a shop but you don’t know if you can get it off again.
Introverts are just extroverts who have realized that most people suck.
Life Hack: In any hipster coffee shop, say “You haven’t seen The Wire?” and in the ensuing commotion, leave without paying.
[Next door dog barking]
Me: *inserts earpugs*
[Barking intensifies]
Me: wtf…………….haha oh *removes earpugs and inserts earplugs*
[From Basement]: *scary murdery noise*
Me: oh shit
Me: *makes slightly more scary more murdery noise*
[From Basement]: Oh shit
I’m hoping the next currency fad will be allen wrenches. I’ll be a gazillionaire.
Me: Today I found the perfect wine to have with dinner
Him: Awesome, where is it?
M: *points to belly*
People who forget to eat are amazing to me. I miss one meal and I’m burning bridges with immediate family members. I miss two that’s organ failure, total body and mind shutdown by the end of one calendar day
Pandas are such weird, unserious bears. There’s no way they don’t get laughed out of the room at the Bear Council.
Doctor: “I’m afraid you have loser says what disease.”
Me: “What?”
Doctor: “lol”
Me: “Is it serious?”
Doctor: “What?”
Me: “lol”
me: this leaf blower is doing more harm than good. i want a refund
store manager: that’s a rocket launcher