Literally! 🤣 #dogs
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30s: Oh look, a dance floor!
50s: Oh look, a couch!
I listen to your prayers, but only to correct their grammar.
if there’s something that needs to be picked up off the floor, I think to myself “do I really need it that bad” and most of the time the answer is “no” so I just leave the baby there
4: How do you spell no?
Me: Sound it out. What makes the na na na na na na na na na sound?
4: Batman?
(Spelling is hard)
I wish mirrors and cameras would get together and figure out what I really look like.
A reality show where gay marriage opponents have to live under 100% Biblical laws for six months so they can show us how awesome it is.
COP: Tell me what you saw
ME: Jersey Boys
COP: *sighs* at the crime scene
ME: No, at the theatre
been watching all the James Bond movies in chronological order
it’s truly incredible how many times the fate of the entire world rests on James Bond’s ability to travel to a scenic destination and have sex with a beautiful woman
[opens jar of olives and pours them in my garden]
“Now grow to be a restaurant”
When people say I don’t mean to brag they’re bragging about not bragging.
My kid once went into day care and told them that she’d been watching ‘the nudey nudey boy’ on tv
Jungle book…she meant jungle book
Me:*delete pics*
IPhone: you sure?
M:Yes
IP: Ok I’ll just put them over here
Me:delete them
IP: Ok *whispers* keeping them on the cloud tho
The cure to missing someone is just remembering what an asshole they really were.
I stopped drinking water for a few days cause I was starting to think I was addicted. I just wanted to make sure I could pull back if I needed to.
If you see me in the baby section at the store, there’s no bun in the oven. Just a cat at home that clearly needs a onesie.
My personal trainer ran out of treats half way through the sess.
ME WHEN A NORMAL BUG IS ON ME: Eww.
ME WHEN A LADYBUG IS ON ME: Evening, Ma’am.
sorry but how is it “unclear” how many horses are loose, kicking about town rn? surely they know how many horses they started with and how many they currently have? seems like a fairly simple subtraction situation to me
Screaming into a pillow is therapeutic but it also gets you kicked out of Target.
WELL WELL WELL, if it isn’t the lady who’s baby I stole.
[working in garage]
“Hand me a screwdriver, son”
A flat one?
“No”
[mixes vodka and Orange Crush] Here ya go
not to get all political on here but i’m pretty sure strawberry and blueberry pop-tarts taste exactly the same.
My HOA says no parking on the street, so I flex on them by parallel parking at the end of my driveway.
All I’m saying is never ask a bald man if he remembers something off the top of his head.
Google Moon is NOT what I thought it would be.
*pulls up pants
Cobra Kai: sweep the leg!
Cobra: the what
When the @funTweeters account RTs my tweet.
Do we still do thirst traps threads? I’m having a really good bellybutton day and it’s totally going to waste
My therapist says I need to overcome “shame-based” thinking but if it wasn’t for shame I don’t think I’d get a damn thing done around here.
FRIEND: Thanks for letting me stay here while I’m in town
ME: No problem
FRIEND: Do u have a Waffle House nearby?
ME: No they’re all wood