Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

making bad rap music is committing crhymes.

My godmother just saw my tweet about sending naked pictures, and she was so excited she posted it to Facebook and tagged my parents. What a time to be alive.

cop: i pulled you over for going 68 in a 55

me: dang, 68? can you make that number a little cooler so i can hear the judge read it out loud haha

cop: sure whatever

[later in traffic court]

judge: how were you going 420 in a 55

No thanks, Genie. I’m not falling for the old “rub the magic lamp” trick again.

There is a football player named Drew Sample?

He missed his true calling of phlebotomy.

🎵 Papa, just killed this toy
Stomped my foot against its head
Batteries fell out, now it’s dead Papa, playtime had just begun
But now I’ll go and throw tantrums all day…🎵

-If “Bohemian Rhapsody” was remade to fit my toddler’s mood.

Human *builds first house*
House fly: finally

Wildebeest: 5 cheetahs on the horizon sir

Wildebeest Sergeant: How many men do we have?

Wildebeest: 4,000

Wildebeest Sergeant: RETREAT!

Can i borrow your truck?

Me: no problem just read the dashboard

It’s bath time, darling, fetch me my toaster.

Hi, I’m Tony. Voted “Most Likely To Become A Time Traveler” by the class of 2042.

[ER]

Dr: …major cardiac event, you must improve your diet

Me: But I eat tons of fruit and veg

D: Such as?

M: I have ketchup on everything, salad in burgers, pineapple on pizza, a Bloody Mary at breakf—

D: *switching off life support* Nurse, record time of death as imminent

How I look taking the 2000th photo of my dog sleeping

Me: I hate working from home.

Also me: I hate working from work.

*Sad trombone noise*

Cop [holding breathalyser] “How the hell did you do that?”

reading about the new film megapolis and it said that “audrey plaza plays wow platinum and shia labeouf plays clodio pulcher” and i panicked for a second that i’d had a stroke

When you send food back to the kitchen, you’re basically saying,
“Can you have the chef rub his genitals on this please.”

Inventor of balloons: You know what this party needs? Rubber balls filled with my breath

My 5-year-old is learning about exercise & endurance, but he keeps saying insurance. Yesterday, he asked me if you need good insurance when you run. I told him at my age, you had better.

Reset Password

‘CargoAndBoxer’

Your password is two shorts

My wife carved ‘I’M FINE’ into a pumpkin especially for me

So she’s obviously cool with me watching football all day and breathing an stuff

There’s nothing more humiliating than taking your pet to bed with you, and they get down and leave the room.

A wet beach towel will dry in about 30 minutes in the sun or 36 weeks in a hotel room.

I always say “goodbye” to the Wal-Mart greeter, just to close that loop.

Idioms are annoying so I won’t count chickens that cry over spilt milk at the drop of a hat or bark up the wrong apples and oranges tree because at the end of the day, it is what it is, and it ain’t over til the fat lady kills two birds with a piece of cake.

“Ok i’ll bite”
*literally any cat i try to be nice to

My wife still brings up that one time in 2013 I was indecisive about which shirt to wear, after her water broke

three old people next to me at this coffee shop hanging out and catching up. one of them says “your daughter is doing well? has her ducks all in a row?” and the other says “welllll there’s a few geese in there” and all three of them laughed until they cried. gasping for air.

roses are red / violets are blue
who let the dogs out / who who who who

Staying with my parents, pt. 3:

[4 yo is following my dad around]

Her: Whatcha doin?

Dad: Grabbing things for errands

Her: Whatcha doin now?

Him: Going to the garage

Her: Where you goin now?

Him: WHAT ARE YOU THE KGB? YOU GONNA REPORT BACK TO MOTHER RUSSIA?! LEAVEMEALONE