Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

We have a cricket in our garage and every once a while, to keep him entertained, I go out and tell him corny dad jokes.
Then I wait.

you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and

shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.

so you jump to death from the check-out desk.

Me: I love doing dishes while listening to my favorite boy band

Her: N*SYNC?

Me: no Sarah, I wash my dishes in the refrigerator

Bruce Willis reaches for his iPhone but accidentally grabs his iPad and screams because he thinks he’s shrunk

Dear Samsung,

please also start selling jeans that can accommodate your smartphones.

Hot singles in your area looking to borrow a cup of air conditioning

Sure Xfinity internet service is overpriced and spotty but you can’t put a price on unintentionally being dropped from every Zoom meeting.

They should combine weather forecasts with horoscopes. “Tomorrow there’s a 60% chance of rain and a 40% chance you’ll reconnect with an old friend.”

[Trapped on a plane]
Me: Can’t put it off any longer, we must eat the other passengers

Wife: what no

Me: I’m growing weaker

Wife: We have been delayed for 45 minutes

turns out I don’t want a boyfriend, I just want a duet partner to sing the guy’s part in “Little Talks” by Of Monsters and Men. sorry for the confusion

Interviewer: can you give me an example of when you overcame a challenge?

Me: yep. I made it here on time even though I got really high an hour ago

We don’t have wifi in Tennessee. I just pray my tweets into my phone and let Him (#Christ) do the rest.

make up your mind

I was on a sofa next to my wife who was eating a snack and typing on her phone, I heard my phone ringing in the kitchen where I was charging it so I went to check it …

The SMS was from my wife, she wrote “Bring me a drink on your way back”

What was the first thing you remember seeing on TV that made you cry? (I mean a scripted show, not a news report.)

Don’t beat an alive horse either.

Nirvana, according to most Buddhists I’ve spoken to, is quite literally the best alternative rock band to have ever existed.

Make group hugs awkward by taking off your pants.

ME: My favorite movies are “Batman” and “Annie” because I love rich orphans who can punch real hard.
THERAPIST: Wow yeah okay, that more than enough to start with…

Sorry I’m late, there was a dad yelling at his teenage son for buying $90 jeans and I had to hear every word of it.

[In football huddle]

“What do you guys think happens when we die?”

Some of us just had a bee in our shirt and we weren’t actually KungFu fighting.

Apparently trying to edit the family cookbook to include ‘minced feelings’ at the end of every recipe’s ingredients list is “not okay” and I need to “seriously cut it out”.

What was more important than the invention of the first telephone?

The invention of the 2nd telephone

Cop: *searching my car*
“WHERE IS IT?
I KNOW IT’S HERE!”

Me: *trying to swallow a Nickelback cd*
“IT’S NOT MINE, I SWEAR!”

god I hope there’s no such thing as reincarnation I’m way too tired to do this again

no mom you don’t get it I used “you’re” instead of “your” as a joke to be ironic on the internet. yes I realize it makes me look silly. no mom colleges don’t care about that. they aren’t gonna look at my twitter. ok. ok yes I understand. im sorry I’ll delete it. I love you too

Them: you have an attitude problem
Me: it’s not a problem… I like it

“Eighty-seven percent of people think lasers are friggin’ awesome.” – Pew Pew Pew Research Center