Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

8yo: …
6yo: …
8yo: …
6yo: …
8yo: …
6yo: …
8yo: ….Punches 6yo in the face.
Me: Woah,what the hell was that for?
8yo: He knows.

Brought a stapler to a gun fight and now everyone is neatly organized into piles of corpses and sorted by height. The police will be pleased

Mugger: Give me your wallet!
Me: Back off! I know karate.
*later*
Me: Well, he called my bluff.
Doctor: You have lost a lot of blood.

Amazon talking about show them proof I didn’t get the package 😒

Rubbing garlic behind my ears before this corporate fundraiser

Friend: Why are there 5 FBI agents sitting at desks in your bedroom?

Me: Ordered a small bureau on line and this is what they sent.

OMG! It’s colder than a pimps heart out here!

Potatoes make french fries, chips, and vodka. It’s like the other vegetables aren’t even trying.

Guy in the dressing room next to mine: “I don’t want to get blood on these pants.” I want to reply, “Then stay out of my way on the catwalk”

*seasons greetings*

*eats greetings*

We are being punished for our hubris, for building entire factories dedicated to nothing but cheesecake.

I opened wordle to play while waiting for the bus, and force of habit, I pulled my pants down cause I’m so used to playing it on the toilet

First Date:

Him: So, are you a dog person or a cat person?

Me: (already cleaning him with my tongue)

Is your wife single?

It’s tough getting user casket reviews

[driver on opposite side of the road puts head lights on]

moth driving: omg

moth wife: Harold no we have a baby

moth baby: FLOOR IT DAD

The only relationship you should expect to last on Twitter is the one between your TL and those who have you blocked.

[in bed]
Me: got a costume from the Princess Leia slave scene
Him: omg yes
Me: *disappears to change*
*comes back dressed as Jabba the Hutt*

Me: “I mean, how can Harry Potter be the best Quidditch Seeker when he’s the only one with glasses?”
Librarian: “Just pay your fine, Ma’am.”

Omg, will you pick ONE name and stick with it ffs

– my dog

I don’t take a list. I let Costco tell me what I need.

Boss: you need to take a drug test

Me: not if you want me to do this job

ME: lately I feel lonely. like I’ve become untethered from the world

WOLF WHO IS WEARING MY FRIEND’S FACE AS A MASK: *understanding growl*

“Knock knock.”
“Who’s there?”
“Santa.”
“Santa who?”
“Santa who has to use the door because you left your fireplace burning, jackass.”

I just found out my husband doesn’t pronounce the j in pendulum

Here’s a conspiracy theory, your parents conspired to create an idiot

[history class in 2069]

TEACHER: how did the Civil War begin?

ME: when the United Nations prepared to pass the Sokovia Accords, which would establish a UN panel to oversee and control The Avengers, Iron Man and Captain America were divided.

TEACHER: correct

Sex is great but have you tried taking a shower after a week of camping?

If reports from this daisy are accurate, she loves me not.

Am I joking? Yes. Absolutely.
Do I also mean it? Yes. Absolutely.