literally anyone: “would you like some ice cream?”
me: [knowing ice cream makes me serverely ill] “ooo yes please”
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The only thing I do to get my body ready for summer is make sure my AC is serviced.
Saying “3 twins” is wild.
Just got your text from Saturday. Are you still being kidnapped?
date: [making small talk over dinner] so what are you looking for?
me: [fingering my soup] i dropped my spoon in
Them: Tell us something about yourself.
Me:
Apparently it was disrespectful to wear my Slayer hoodie at my friend’s murdered husband’s funeral.
A Story in Three Acts
I. My car smells weird, and I can’t figure out why.
II. I can’t find the nectarines and mango I bought last week.
***INTERMISSION: Golly gee willickers, I sure am loving these 114-degree heat index days. ***
III. Noooooooooooooooo
my mom: “please don’t rile up the dogs when we get home”
me as soon as i see the dogs:
TIP: If a friend ever says they have a chocolate lab, do not get your hopes up when you are going to their house because they are just talking about a dog
I know I’m almost 40 because I had a few drinks last night and woke up this morning thinking: Oh no I bought SO MANY SOCKS online last night.
Whoever invented grass must be a billionaire that stuff is everywhere
Pardon me while I slip into something a little more… unconscious.
Kids these days won’t get the trauma of passing notes in class and hoping nobody reads it until it reaches the recipient.
I wear my fitness tracker to bed. If I’m making 2 trips a night to the bathroom, I’m damn well getting credit for them.
“Notice the way he uses colors.”
“How??”
One of my firmly-held beliefs is that every one of us has driven off with something on our roof that wasn’t supposed to be there, and another is that we’ve all seen a car in traffic with coffee, a briefcase, or a purse on the roof and wondered what kind of idiot does that.
ME: I want to take long walks with you.
HER: Aww…are you a romantic?
ME: No, I don’t have a car.
“Stop counting”—-me to my Visa card bill
Utility company website: Are you a bot?
Me: No, but if there are bots trying to pay my utility bills, mind your own business.
*army rises out of ball pit*
dark lord: whose bright idea was it to put the portal here?
[they point to bob]
dark lord: you the man, bob
I don’t think my wife realizes that the FREE SEX coupons I gave her last Valentine’s Day are about to expire.
I love using phrases like “knowing is half the battle” so my kids think I’m wise beyond my years, because they have no idea I took it from a cartoon.
I have a memory like one of those big grey things you know the ones I mean.
You are such a good friend that if we were on a sinking ship together & there was only one life jacket, I’d miss you and think of you often.
Robert Pattinson can play Batman but Christian Bale could never play Edward Cullen
Boss: we’re going to our cabin on the lake this weekend
Coworker: you guys have a cabin ON the lake?
Boss: Ya?
Coworker: must be wet hahaha
If you don’t walk sideways chanting ‘crab people’ when holding tongs, we can’t be friends.
“Uh, Mom?” said my 6 year old. “Look at your child.”
So I looked, and there, sitting cross-legged in a miniature lawn chair, was my 2 year old drinking A1 sauce straight out of the bottle.