literally anyone: “would you like some ice cream?”
me: [knowing ice cream makes me serverely ill] “ooo yes please”
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MTV stopped having their “Unplugged” specials because the shitty artists we have now can’t play any instruments.
{Me as Cop}
*Kneels over body* We’re looking for someone briefly introduced even though they don’t seem relevant to the overall plot line.
one time I saw a guy playing with a yoyo walk into a street sign. I laughed so hard that it changed me. It changed everything.
How about a ceiling fan with brakes so I don’t have to stand there for 10 seconds wondering if I actually turned it off.
I had abstinence-only sex education when I was in high school.
It was called Dungeons and Dragons.
A squiggly red line should appear under people who are wrong for you
The only bucket list I have and can finish is at KFC.
Welcome to Twitter: it’s high school except we all have gray hair.
10 y/o Edison: How many scientists does it take to change a light bulb?
His Dad: What’s a light bulb?
His Mom: IDFK. U tell me, Einstein.
My washer and dryer finished at the same time, but I think my dryer faked it.
Sometimes the trash takes out itself. Unfortunately, it usually runs its stupid mouth first.
[first day working for IKEA]
Customer: one nightstand please
Me: sorry, I’m married
FRIEND: did you hear about the Salvation Army volunteer who is on strike?
ME: doesn’t ring a bell
I’m not saying I was fired from Spirit Halloween for stealing, I’m just saying I have skeletons in my closet
By 5, the human child can walk and feed itself, but doesn’t yet stray from home, as it relies on parents for tablet charging and maintenance
Woman: Ever since my mom passed, I think she’s watching over me
Mom’s Ghost: Yeah, that is the kind of stupid thing you’d believe
My personal brand is being the guest at a wedding who can’t dance but puts in a noticeable effort.
I find it most unfair that the dentist in this neighborhood hands out toothbrushes for Halloween but the pharmacist doesn’t hand out drugs.
Me My dog
Oh no Moo Deng noo!!
I don’t do weights but my 4yo refuses to walk sometimes so yeah I lift
I don’t always drink tequila but when I do, where the hell are my clothes?
To err is human… To not know what err means is American.
[preparing dinner]
Him: *making mashed potatoes* I feels like you don’t trust my cooking
Me: *also making mashed potatoes* don’t be silly
there’s nothing that turns me into a boomer faster than when a company’s customer service line doesn’t give me an option to speak with a real human. no I will not go to your website. I just came from your website. i will k*ll you
My first mistake was letting my kids watch all the Despicable Me movies repeatedly and my second mistake was putting on a yellow shirt with these overalls
reminder: dont bring up serious subjects at the dinner table, some times its just not worth it
“Nailed it.”
-inventor of crucifixion
Movie Idea:
Lohan.
Bynes.
Statham.
DEATH RACE 2
😅😅😅