A song called “Baby It’s Not *THAT* Cold Outside” where I’m just trying to get the lady to leave
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The family pet is getting old so we’re all pitching in and throwing the dog poop in the neighbors yard when she can’t make it over there.
I love going places just to spend the entire time taking my kids to the bathroom
me: do you sell ducks?
him: yes, but they’re going quick
me: ok I’ll take one
[later]
duck: quick
me: I see
“Fine, I’m sorry, you win, just, please stop crying.” – my rap battle opponent
i like my men the same way i like my coffee; steadily getting cooler, as i inevitably forget they’re sitting next to me.
Stands at the gates of hell.
Waves to my mother in law.
Leaves.
Me: I’ll take $2,000, Alex.
Alex Trebek: In which category?
Me: No question. I just need $2,000.
I’m going to invent an app that tells you where the nearest bar is with no guy on a stool playing acoustic guitar.
I go to seductively boop your nose but my finger pierces straight through the back of your skull.
“Sorry, I’ve been working out.” I say.
Guacamole is my favorite food that looks like someone already ate it.
The phrase “don’t take this the wrong way” has zero % success rate
him: you’re obsessed with the Flintstones
me *totally broke, struggling to use a chipmunk to open a can* haha yes
I have a head cold but I’m telling everyone it’s covid so they’ll social distance away from me.
Applicant: I pride myself on my honesty, integrity, and being a decent human being.
Car sales manager: I’m sorry but you’re over qualified
He asked what my favorite position was… I said CEO
I just yelled “ACKNOWLEDGE MEEE!” at the automatic sensor in the sink faucet if anyone is wondering how stable I am today.
[playing guitar in hotel lounge]
Me: *puts out cigarette* Any more requests out there tonight?
Front desk: Yes. Would you please get out of the lobby?
Girls are suckers for a sad story so I always told them about my dad leaving us on my 8th birthday. I leave out the part where he returned with my cake.
It wasn’t chocolate so…still sad.
Being a parent to a preteen daughter is fun bc sometimes they’re mad at you for not letting them get a phone but other times they’re even more mad at you for not…[checks notes]…letting them get a pet venomous snake
Whenever I miss my ex I think about the things I didnt like about him… Like his hairy behind and his wife.
“You’ve got a friend in me.”
– Cannibals, probably
ME: it’s time for bed
*3 ducks excitedly appear at my window*
ME: bed guys, B E D
*3 ducks dejectedly disappear from my window*
me, welcoming someone into my small home filled with hand me down furniture and the random mess of life living: would you like a tour
person, for some reason: yes
Someone told me once you can’t keep complaining about something if you’re not gonna do anything about it. But I’ve found that you can, pretty easily.
[Martian welcoming party]
We’re so excited to welcome our friends from Ear—ok it’s another robot car everybody. Why do they keep doing this
Me: I want my kids to have lots of friends
Me, when these friends visit: WTF they are so annoying
Me: Have you showered & brushed your teeth?
16: Stop bullying me.
Me: can I borrow $20?
Friend: No.
*slides him $50*
Me: how about now?
Kill me once, shame on you. That’s pretty much it.
I had big plans to sleep in until 7, but my bladder canceled.