Literally every dog in the world failed their families by letting a rabbit break into their home
You Might Also Like
MOM: Your father was abducted by aliens last night.
ME: [about to adjust thermostat] Oh no.
[meanwhile in ufo]
ALIEN: What do you mean we have to turn around?
DAD: Somethings wrong I can’t explain it.
Convince neighbours you’re shrinking by walking past their window with progressively larger jars of hellmann’s mayonnaise.
Good vacation so far, aside from the faceless man telling us “You will never leave this island.”
In Twilight, if Jacob just got some therapy maybe he could be a Self-Awarewolf
He approaches me from behind and wraps his arms around me and I am breathless.
With one firm and quick thrust, he dislodges my food.
ever get so mad at your kids at walmart you grab a tennis racquet off the shelf and start spanking them with it before u realize u don’t have kids
Tomorrow…trade cell phones with your significant other for the day…see how many of you are single by the end of the day…
Did Ace of Base ever do another song wherein it was explained what happened to her original baby?
Cashier: That’ll be $29.95 sweetheart
Me: Here you are, pumpkin face
Cashier:
Me: oh, I’m sorry, were we not giving eachother cute nicknames?
Led Zeppelin’s “In My Time Of Dying” is my favorite song about a man with a touch of a cold.
Unpopular opinion but siren songs low key kinda slap
ⓘ 𝗧𝗵𝗶𝘀 𝘂𝘀𝗲𝗿 𝗶𝘀 𝗹𝗼𝘀𝘁 𝗮𝘁 𝘀𝗲𝗮
She died doing what she loved: Running for her life in the wrong direction.
INTERVIEWER: Says here you have sloth-like reflexes?
ME: *calls interviewer 3 years later* That is correct.
The world needs a more violent way to give people clothing. ~the inventor or the t-shirt gun
My 4 year old walks around the house with a walkie talkie clipped on his pants like he’s here installing high speed internet.
“911 what’s ur emergency”
I… stabbed someone
“What? Why?”
He walked up to me and was all like HAPPY MONDAY
“Is he dead?”
No
“Stab him again”
Captured by terrorists tied up to a chair with a pillowcase on my head: guys please let me go I swear I’m not a pillow
When someone asks me if I could hold their baby I immediately drop my phone, try to pick it up and drop it again twice, and then say “Sure”.
Dog tried taking me for a run. I wasn’t having it. I made her drag me the whole time.
Her: *uses quarantine as an opportunity to learn Japanese and crochet*
Me: *uses quarantine as an opportunity to perfect my cereal to milk ratio*
There are really only two seasons:
soup
salad
It finally happened. A real human asked me to write an obit that stated “he died doing what he loved” and it took everything in me to keep my shit together about that.
A chicken running a marathon wears Ree-bokbokboks
based al yankovic
How dare you incinerate that I don’t know big words.
i hate it when Darth Vader puts eggs in my mailbox and then rides away on a kids tricycle
Decided don’t want to have children. Wonder if the wife will accept my decision. Suppose the kids may not be best pleased either.
Twitter creates a false sense of intimacy because who else spends as much time with you in the bathroom?
just think, if you hadn’t had kids to tell you otherwise you might still be walking around thinking you were cool. lol how embarrassing would that be
This poor girl dropped her salad in the parking lot, so I grabbed her hand and said “Lettuce pray”