Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[At crime scene]
Detective: You need to take this seriously
Me: I am
*picks up leg bone*
Me: I found this humerus. Lol.
D: You’re fired.

*As the Titanic sinks*

Bandleader: Next, we’d like to play something off our new album

Guy clinging to railing: BOOOOOOO

I’m sorry you had a bad experience at our restaurant. To make it up to you, here is a coupon for more of our terrible, terrible food.

ME: Very funny.
GENIE: It’s what you asked for.
ME: You’re such an asshole.
GENIE: You said you wanted a-
ME: 27 foot yacht. Yeah, I get it.

I’m the kind of friend that will send you a fake emergency text to get you out of a bad date

But also the kind of friend that will make it say:

“Grandma is in the hospital. She fell off her skateboard again”

trump is putting everyone who works at goldman sachs in the government so that there’s no one left to run GS and they go out of business

Lego: Build your own goddamn toys.

*gets down on one knee*

They say you should throw out anything you haven’t used in six months. There goes the vacuum!

One of the most romantic things a rose can do for another rose is leave a trail of human body parts from the front door to the bedroom.

I tried meowing back to the cat to show him I was making an effort, but he just switched to English.

Sure my haircuts weren’t always great, but Mom did the best she could while also frying bacon, talking on the phone and smoking a cigarette.

“Aimee, could you please mute your phone?”

(me on a conference call making roaring noises while I play with my plastic pterodactyl)

The moment I wake up
Before I put on my makeup
I say a little prayer for you

…r underwear elastic to break because I don’t wish bodily harm on you but I think you deserve to be mildly inconvenienced.

Every time someone says, “at least it’s a dry heat,” I want to stab them with a box cutter.

*at least it’s a short knife.

Facebook’s targeted ads think I have a cat.

I don’t, but I visited a friend with one and talked about it out loud.

The most powerful spy software in the world is trying to sell me kitty litter.

Skynet is here and it’s lame as hell.

Double cheeseburgers don’t make you fat, eating them does.

I spent the entire summer before 6th grade obsessively playing world of warcraft and I felt so weird being like very clearly the only child in my guild so I pretended to be in my thirties with a boyfriend and everyone was so nice to me I ended up announcing my fake engagement.

[i bite into an apple and a swarm of bees comes flying out]
“this gives me an idea for a restaurant”

But wait…

I grew up in a very sheltered household. Our house had 17 roofs. We had alcoves upon alcoves. I wore a tarp wherever I went.

At my funeral, take the bouquet off my coffin and throw it into the crowd to see who is next.

A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.

People judge public housing, but it’s cheap and your neighbors sell you drugs so I’m not sure I see the problem…

Son: Facebook is for old people.

Me: That’s not true, pretty much everyone I know is on i- …oh…

Looking for my glasses that my 5yo hid, but not having much success because I CAN’T FIND MY GLASSES.

GARDEN STORE MANAGER:
why did you just give that customer a high five

ME: he bought some dirt

GARDEN STORE MANAGER: um ok

ME: and I told him congrats on soiling himself

Toy Story (1995) – A influential local leader harasses an immigrant who is struggling to adapt to local customs.

I’m gonna be so pissed if I die in the middle of an argument I’m about to win.