Literally every dog in the world failed their families by letting a rabbit break into their home
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Me [being crucified]: my God, why have you forsaken me? *life flashes before my eyes* oh yeh, that’s why.
My son had a rough day so I played Fortnite with him and the lesson that I learned is that I hate Fortnite.
I hate when people say “I’d give up my first born child for that.”
If you really want to entice me, offer to raise one of mine.
Him: Hey
Me: *flashes box of super tampons*
{On Tinder}
ADAM: *Swipes right*
EVE: *Swipes left*
GOD [clears throat and presses intercom]: Eve can i have a word with you please
My old roomate who is extremely offline found out that I had a Twitter with a few thousand followers and now just texts me when he thinks his thoughts are worthy of going viral
4: *hands me a broken toy*
Me: oh no, I’ll see if I can fix it
4: ok but be careful next time
Me:
Whatever, Batman. You may call it the Batcave, but that doesn’t change the fact you still live in your parents’ basement.
me: if reality is a simulation then why is it so cruel
also me: i wonder if i can drown this sim in a pot of spaghetti
So 10’s school is having PJ day tomorrow and asked the parents who drop off to wear theirs too..
Should I tell them I sleep in the nude or just show up?
My Jewish mother freaked out when I told her I wanted to be like Dre, but relaxed when I told her that he was a doctor.
dating apps never work for me because i need at least two years of friendship charged with weird sexual tension to even consider falling in love
You OK? You’ve barely touched your crocssant!?!
love those YouTube videos that are like “doctor reacts to brutal superhero deaths” because they’re always like “yup you would definitely die if you got decapitated because your body needs a brain to survive. subscribe for more medical facts”
Guy from the Prodigy: I’m a firestarter, twisted firestarter
Me: Okay fine
Guy from the Prodigy: You’re the firestarter, twisted firestarter
Me: Aww man don’t drag me into this shit
“This steak is really chewy.”
*me drunk, eating my dog’s toy*
INVENTOR: it’s a machine that washes dishes
BOSS: what should we call it
GUY WHO NAMED THE FIREPLACE: i have an idea
Getting my 6yo from a playdate today:
6: “Bye! Thank you! You need to wash your hair!”
Friend’s mom (laughing): “I do?”
6: “Yeah, it’s black near your head!”
Friend’s mom (still laughing, thank god): “Oh honey, those are just my roots.”
Me, dying 1,000 deaths: “Time to go!”
I think my wife has been messing with me, my present this year was two socks that had been missing from the laundry.
[1983]
FRIEND: Let’s play monsters! I’ll be a werewolf, and you lock me in the closet because it’s a full moon. Don’t let me out!
ME: Hahaha, cool!
[just now]
ME: OH SHIT BILLY
riding my roomba around the house dropping crumbs and tiny pieces of shit in front of it in the direction i wanna go
My kids tell me I drink too much.
It’s funny they don’t make the connection.
You can describe my personality as being confidently wrong all the time.
I’ve just had to reset my password to Delicate Luggage Handler as I was told it had to be case sensitive.
I’m at that stage in life where my bladder is at its weakest and my phobia of public toilets is at its strongest.
DOCTOR: If you don’t exercise, there’s really no point in dieting.
ME: I can’t wait to tell my wife the good news.
When a CW is coming out of the men’s room as I walk past, I always ask if everything went well because that’s the polite thing to do.
In some countries your Honor, a nude man painted in bronze while urinating in a public fountain would be considered art.
I don’t know why this driver threw his hands up and asked what I was doing. I thought it was pretty clear I was cutting him off.
Therapist: ‘Strange. Weird. Odd.’
Me: ‘Am I paying for this?’