Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you didn’t want a bunch of dads to meander into your backyard, then you shouldn’t have revved up that chainsaw, Dale

traffic be dumb as hell cause what that first person in line be doing

Sites that are selling my tweets for money.1. Twitter2. FavStar3. Funny Tweeter <3 you guys!

Good looking cop: do you know how fast you were going?

Me fluttering eyelashes:
How fast did you want me to be going?

My brother used, as wrapping paper, the €70 wallpaper that Mum had bought to redecorate rooms. Cannot cope ahahah

First Christmas argument underway.

“Paper or pl..”

..astic! OMG we finish each other’s sentences! You complete mmmm…

“I’m not saying ‘me'”

ME! OMG we did it again!

“…”

It’s kind of annoying that my wife said something about glistening but when I asked her to repeat it she just got mad.

Creepers gonna creep
Peepers gonna peep
Weepers gonna weep
Beepers gonna beep
Sleepers gonna sleep
Sheepers gonna sheep
Dolphins gonna eeeeeeeeeeeeeep

Would you wear it?

“I chose you yesterday, I choose you today, and I will choose you tomorrow.”

– Me, to my coffee

My dad’s handwriting makes a pharmacist look like a calligrapher.

Are you sure you want to unsubscribe? Yes. Really really sure? Yes. Really really really sure? Yes. What if I show you my promo code? No. Please write a 600 word essay on unsubscribing.

If you guys are missing any mugs, they’re all on my husband’s nightstand

I need to hide the teen’s birthday present where he’ll never find it so I’m thinking behind the vacuum cleaner will be perfect.

Me, watching Stranger Things: these scientists, these fools, play not a god who rends our world in twain.

Me, in real life, if scientists discovered a portal to another dimension: *slamming fists on table* OPEN IT, OPEN IT, OPEN IT, OPEN IT

Friend: Let’s go to the game next week
Me: Let me check my calendar
Also me: (yelling into the next room) Honey!

On the box it said “do not put your tongue on battery.” I would never put my tongue on a battery.

Although. I kinda want to now.

Every time I see a white work van, I beat the driver unconscious, and check in the back. Sooner or later I’ll be a hero.

I put my baby picture as my what’s app picture and my mum called me to ask who that was ¿

I don’t think AI should be used to make content…BUT…if there were a way for the paw patrol to tell my son by name that if he doesn’t go to bed they will arrest him…

The Reacher guy looks like an 11 year old boy after getting 3 wishes from a genie

Don’t ring my doorbell unless you’re accompanied by a camera crew and holding balloons & a big check.

As someone who was born in August, I find the word leotard extremely offensive.

Turning regret into ulcers since 1996

Deep, meaningful communication is the key to a successful relationship.

What idiot called it a contraction and not a birthquake?

i have one of these at work and when i get bored i plug it into the outlets

GIRLFRIEND: *whispers in my ear* Hey you wanna try for a baby

ME: *playing the claw machine* I don’t think there are any in there, Denise.

When someone cries, “No one gets me”

I immediately snatch them and put them in my trunk and yell, “I got you”!