Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Concert]
Triangle player: *proudly playing his triangle
[Octagon player struts on stage]
Triangle player: “What the-“

Pilot: “Attention passengers, our engines have failed. We may not make it.”

Me, still wearing parachute pants since the 80s: “I KNEW this day would come!”

“Oh babe. All of that is for me?”

-Me, to my laundry basket.

{during sex}

Her: Make me scream
Me: *turns on lights

I was living in the moment until I was evicted.

25 more pounds to lose and I’ll be ready to be seen at my gym.

Asked my height at the doctor’s office today. I confidently told the nurse 6 feet (as I have my entire adult life), and she responded with, “Well, I’m getting 5’11-and-a-half” in the obliviously cheery tone of someone who’s decided to rip somebody’s life apart on a Friday morning

I just wanna be alone but I have all this internet access.

I wanted to tweet something but I think too many people would think I was 100% serious when I’m only like 87% serious.

One of the cool things they don’t tell you about your thirties is you can hurt your neck by turning to look at something, which is wild because that is neck’s main job.

I bring my own pen into the bank because I don’t need any god dammed chains telling me where I can and cannot write

I got pulled over for speeding just outside Atlanta. The cop asked why I was in town, I said to do stand up, he asked me to tell him a joke, I told a really dirty one, he didn’t give me a ticket. Honestly, one of my all-time highest paid stand up gigs!!!

Alien: We come in peace

Human: Aw man, we hate that

The best part about my sex life is all the free time it affords me.

Him: “Can we have a Doritos themed wedding?” Me: “no.” Him: “well, what kind of chips would you prefer?”

Ok I think somewhere we go wrong as a species is not having a defined mating season. bc then if it doesn’t work out during that season you can just chill the rest of the year and not feel so pressured

whatcha thinkin bout

My favorite way to mop the bathroom floor is to give the kids a bath.

The walls, too.

Yup, and ceiling.

nobody:

90’s boybands:

(-(-_(-_-)_-)-)

If I’m reading their lips correctly, my neighbors are arguing about some creepy guy next door.

Welcome to woodworking club, please make a seat.

“Microsoft Word? I haven’t heard that name in years…”

I am not a pro at mind games, so I will be direct and ask, “are you or are you not going to offer me snacks?”

My wife agreed to a water birth, so I’m setting up a slip’n slide in the front yard right now. I’m gonna wait at the end & catch him.

I forgot to turn my clocks back and omg you guys are not going to believe the stuff that happens in the next hour.

Meatloaf was so named because of his incredible likeness to his father, Meatlo.

If you could have dinner with any person, living or dead what Arby’s would you go to?

My doctor is always whispering to me something about not sticking Q tips in my ears. I need a louder doctor

So funny how “go to sleep” and “do parkour” sound exactly the same to kids.

really hoping a cop doesnt wander into my room and sees me googling “how to do a hit and run 2021” out of context