@chrissyissie

Literally held in a sneeze because I was giving my husband the silent treatment and I didn’t want him to bless me

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@frogpissmouth

moses: watch me split the red sea in half
red sea: i’ve got a boyfriend

@envydatropic

I print everything at work because I’m not a multimillionaire who has a printer with ink at home

@PickleRudd

Mary had a little lamb
with pita and tzatziki
She said “this gyro is my jam
and I’m feeling kinda sneaky.”

So she slipped out
and didn’t pay.
The guy said
“I’ll be damned.”
So he called the cops.
They’re on the way.
Now Mary’s on the lam!

@KevinFarzad

According to tinder, every guy is at a lake holding a fish & every girl is on top of a mountain & that’s why it’s so tragically hard to meet

@PinkCamoTO

🎶 That’s me in the corner
That’s me in the spot light
Eating a banana 🎶

@boom_goes_the

In biblical times, I would have given your dad so many goats for you.

@JediGigi

Him: How’d you get so cute?

Me: I-I-my gosh, I really don’t know. I’m not very good at biology.