Literally held in a sneeze because I was giving my husband the silent treatment and I didn’t want him to bless me

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This fitness girl I follow on insta TREATED herself today with regular eggs instead of egg whites… eggs bro.. I will never be fit


[pediatricians office]

8, after the flu vaccine: Daddy, now I can tell my whole class I got shot!

Me: Please don’t say it like that.


Kid, if you don’t know whether your Batman costume is pre or post reboot continuity, you don’t deserve candy. Also, Batman doesn’t cry.


Me at 16: No one can tell me what to do with my life.

Me at 36: Someone please tell me what to do with my life.


Shy girl has a crush on shy boy.Shy boy has a crush on shy girl.Neither of them say anything.They both do a lot of homework.#VeryRealisticYA


When you hear your kid shout “HERE, HOLD MY LOLLIPOP!” you know it’s about to go down.


Jaws 2 (1978): after the sudden death of his father, a young shark is forced to take over the family business in a seaside resort.


Grand Theft Auto reminds me of Florida. Except one lets you shoot people without consequence and the other is a video game.


I hate when I meet a beautiful woman and have to leave bc someone who beat me in a rap battle is walking my way


Finally cleans my toaster tray
Finds the map to the lost city of Arzkab