Blood was spilled, curses were uttered, tears were shed, muscles were sprained and dowlings were thrown away, but an IKEA shelf was born.
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*hears someone breaking into my house*
Me from upstairs: Don’t you dare touch the last piece of chocolate cake!
DISCIPLES: Why did it take you 3 days to come back from the dead?
JESUS: [remembering all the times he hit snooze] All the praying and stuff.
“Is this your resume?”
Yes
“It just says you used to leave shit at your friends’ doors, ring the bell & run away?”
Yes
“Welcome to UPS!”
WATSON: It appears the victim died upon entering the bathroom
HOLMES: And how did you deduce he wasn’t leaving?
WATSON: No shit, Sherlock.
As I get older and continue to meet new people… I realize that swallowing should be more of a thing.
Welcome to your 50s. You used to be a lot taller.
My great grandmother used say that things were better in Russia before the revolution, but I think she was being Tsarcastic.
Them: Who is your favorite…
Me: My dog
Them: No, I wasn’t finished. I meant, who is your favorite…
Me: My dog
I hate it when I go to clean my daughters room & I emerge 3 hours later having just finished a delightful tea party with a giraffe & a pony.
Me: look, I’m just saying if Superman could move faster than light, then he didn’t need to change in a phone booth
Her: you’re like the opposite of joy
[At a restaurant]
*phone rings*
Ugh, these are way worse than onion rings.
She says she only drinks wine to collect corks for her Pinterest project, which is pretty cool cause it looks like she’s building a castle.
No I don’t carry “a” grudge. I carry like 20 grudges and keep about 50 more in storage to sort through later.
Don’t tell me about your wild weekend. My TV remote died and I switched the batteries around, and now it’s working.
*checks kid’s backpack*
*finds papers from September and a liquefied banana*
*zips backpack and walks away*
How do American chickens cross the road? In a bucket.
Go ahead and share your political views at this office party. We’re all friends here.
– alcohol
told someone “my scrubs are made from cotton but i’m made of boyfriend material” then they blocked me immediately
With the likelihood of insects being a big part of our future diets, it’s only a matter of time before McDonald’s servers are asking if we want flies with that.
Dear North Carolina, if you let guys marry each other, you’ll have more available women in your family to date!
Dinosaurs, consider yourselves avenged
me: brush your teeth
my kids: how fricking dare you want me to continue to have teeth
It took a full year of homeschooling but I managed to teach my children how little I know.
So I said, “Why don’t you eat one of these fried cornbread balls,” and he said “hush puppie,” so I said, “You hush, you piece of shit,” and one thing led to another court date.
Life would be so much simpler if you could just smack the stupid out of people instead having to reason with them.
someone is trying to tell me about a time when 50,000 people would get together in one place just to watch a baseball game.
Sounds fake. nice try, I wasn’t born yesterday.
Not now, kids.
Daddy’s pretending to be a woman on the Internet