Literally held in a sneeze because I was giving my husband the silent treatment and I didn’t want him to bless me

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moses: watch me split the red sea in half
red sea: i’ve got a boyfriend


I print everything at work because I’m not a multimillionaire who has a printer with ink at home


Mary had a little lamb
with pita and tzatziki
She said “this gyro is my jam
and I’m feeling kinda sneaky.”

So she slipped out
and didn’t pay.
The guy said
“I’ll be damned.”
So he called the cops.
They’re on the way.
Now Mary’s on the lam!


According to tinder, every guy is at a lake holding a fish & every girl is on top of a mountain & that’s why it’s so tragically hard to meet


🎶 That’s me in the corner
That’s me in the spot light
Eating a banana 🎶


In biblical times, I would have given your dad so many goats for you.


Him: How’d you get so cute?

Me: I-I-my gosh, I really don’t know. I’m not very good at biology.