@chrissyissie

Literally held in a sneeze because I was giving my husband the silent treatment and I didn’t want him to bless me

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@_breannuh

This fitness girl I follow on insta TREATED herself today with regular eggs instead of egg whites… eggs bro.. I will never be fit

@IndecisiveJones

[pediatricians office]

8, after the flu vaccine: Daddy, now I can tell my whole class I got shot!

Me: Please don’t say it like that.

@TheThomason

Kid, if you don’t know whether your Batman costume is pre or post reboot continuity, you don’t deserve candy. Also, Batman doesn’t cry.

@AsgardianRose

Me at 16: No one can tell me what to do with my life.

Me at 36: Someone please tell me what to do with my life.

@CaelaCarter

Shy girl has a crush on shy boy.Shy boy has a crush on shy girl.Neither of them say anything.They both do a lot of homework.#VeryRealisticYA

@Marlebean

When you hear your kid shout “HERE, HOLD MY LOLLIPOP!” you know it’s about to go down.

@TheAlexNevil

Jaws 2 (1978): after the sudden death of his father, a young shark is forced to take over the family business in a seaside resort.

@KevinFarzad

Grand Theft Auto reminds me of Florida. Except one lets you shoot people without consequence and the other is a video game.

@Sean_Burgundy_

I hate when I meet a beautiful woman and have to leave bc someone who beat me in a rap battle is walking my way

@Marlebean

Finally cleans my toaster tray
Finds the map to the lost city of Arzkab