Literally infuriating seeing so many people still going out to pubs. I came here for a quiet drink!
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there’s no rule that says you have to share your birthday cake, you can just blow out the candles and take that shit home with u
IKEA Customer Services: hello, how may we help?
me: I seem to be missing a couple of parts
IKEA CS: could you describe the missing pieces?
me: well, where to begin…
i gotta remember that brevity saves energy and is worth the misunderstandings
okay, i admit it. you’re wrong.
Moves shopping cart to allow car to park
Lady doesn’t even say thanks
Puts cart back behind her car
Leaves.
I have to stop paying attention when I get too close to any round number of followers, because then I notice way too easily when I lose one, and it’s like “oh no, my hot take on pencil skirts deeply alienated someone who now despises me, I must send a cookie basket”
Date: Why are you so nervous?
Me: I’ve never seen talking fruit before
Me: I’m so bored.
Dog: Have you considered running from window to window and barking at stuff outside?
Me: That’s the dumbest ide- OHMIGOD! *runs to window* The FedEx truck! *runs to other window* It might be my Amazon delivery! *runs to front door* IT’S TURNING UP OUR STREET!
My mother talks into the phone like a combat soldier calling in air support.
The glasses you choose should say something about you. For instance, “I can’t see.”
going to therapy when I’m having a good mental health day stresses me out because what if the therapist is like you seem fine go home I never wanna see you again
never leave a toddler alone in a room with your burritos
My Grandpa reached 110 yesterday.
That’s the last time I get in the car with him driving…
Those who still fit in their wedding dresses years later haven’t been making enough effort eating.
rich people: be like me, invest in stocks
also rich people: no not like that
Triscuits are a good snack if you’ve already eaten all the other snacks in your house and the boxes they came in and your own hands
If you ever see me driving slow it’s because I just dropped whatever I was eating.
Me at dinner on a first date: I’m not answering any more questions without a lawyer.
Have some fun at work: End every comment with a long slow wink
“My report is super late”
*long slow wink*“I swear I didn’t drink at lunch”
*long slow wink*“Oh, I’m fired?”
*long slow wink*
surgeon: you can’t lift anything over ten pounds for 6 weeks.
me: how am i supposed to pee?
*surgeon high-fives me*
My toddler got me up at 4:30am because “Eeyore said it’s morning” Stupid donkey ruining my life
When the executioner asks me what my final words are I’m just going to start filibustering.
kitchen magnet
CW: What’s for lunch; smells good!
Me: Well I made lasagna last night but lost a fingernail in it & haven’t found it yet.
CW:
Me: *smirks*
(in job interview)
my greatest strength is how quickly i can create a hostile work environment and my biggest weakness is that i love too deeply and im constantly befriending fake people. i have no experience as a barista.
ME: i saw a guy on the back of a van
FRIEND: …and?
ME: that’s it i guess
I understand why this patron is so upset. His plan — to come to the library on the last day of tax season and expect to find someone there who would promptly file his taxes for him — seemed, admittedly, foolproof.
Remember back in the good old days when someome looked at you wrong, all you had to do was call them a witch and POOF problem solved
I just hope the crabs and the adderall aren’t in the same place
[to son before going in house] remember its opposite day
wife: how was go karting?
son: dad didnt take off his helmet and throw it at anyone