My old classmates said I look the same as I looked 25 years ago.
I still look like a dork y鈥檃ll 馃檲
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what sorcery is this, the iron wasnt workin, so I took it apart put it together again got left with extra parts and screws but its working??
Me: What would you give me if I can fit this whole waffle in my mouth?!
Wife: An uncontested divorce
I accidentally called it an eternity scarf instead of an infinity scarf and now I have to drink my Starbucks outside.
My 3yo biggest talent right now is threats. Yesterday my husband and him were sliding in socks and my husband slid when it was 3yos turn and he got mad and yelled 鈥淚鈥檓 going to bake your feet into pies and then you won鈥檛 be able to slide at all bc your feet will be pies
I just want to be the best that I can be without getting up
Bear Grylls: *waits impatiently for NASA’s call*
My son just said there was too much cheese on his quesadilla. I don’t understand where I went wrong.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: Might I suggest a shower?
Cabin crew: Is there a Dr on board?
Me: I am a Dr
Cabin crew: Thank God. We have a question about the 18th century textile trade in Northern Africa
Me: Ah. I’m afraid my PhD is in the ceramics of Northern Europe, 1672 – 1701
me: sorry I called out my ex’s name just now
woman: three times though?
bloody mary: ew, am I on the ceiling
Me: Me and the wife are heading to pound town.
Wife: London. He means London.
Was shocked to hear this little girl say she wanted to be a street walker when she grows up until I realized she meant a crossing guard.
Telling my kids they can only have one fruit snack per day while I have 400 per day in secret.
ME: (signing) What color are apples?
BOBO THE GORILLA: (signing) Please free me from this prison
ME: (writing) Still struggling with colors
Shorty got
鈿笍 low
鈿笍 low
鈿笍 low
鈿笍 low
鈿笍 low
鈿笍 low
鈿笍 low
鈿笍 low
馃敇 all of the above
Moose: Sorry, I need to quit this yoga class.
Yoga Instructor: NahMooseStay!
WIFE: I think he’s in a midlife crisis
“Why, did he buy a new car?”
WIFE: not yet
[I pull up on a sleigh pulled by roughly 1000 raccoons]
[creating my Tinder profile]
Are u seeking:
men [ ]
women [x]Select one:
18-29 [ ]
30-39 [ ]
40-49 [x]
50+ [ ]me: who needs 50 girlfriends lol
14 takes out the trash and recycling without being asked
Me:
What do you hear?
My anchor tattoo is so realistic I can’t get out of the bathtub.
My kid pausing YouTube to decide what snack she wants is the new turning down the car radio when you’re lost.
Who the hell called them deadbeat dads instead of negli-gents?
A headline said the economy is showing signs of unexpected vigor so i鈥檒l have what the economy is having please.
Honest job application:
On the whole I鈥檒l do a perfectly adequate job. I鈥檓 quiet but not in an odd way. I won鈥檛 cause any fuss. Good at hoping people are well in emails (won鈥檛 use too many exclamation marks). Generally a good egg.
Waiter: Can I get you a drink and would you like an appetizer?
Me: Woah! What’s with all the questions?
ME: Where are the posters?
WIFE: THEY JUST DISAPPEARED!
[In other room]
*cat is furiously stuffing missing dog posters into paper shredder*
Forget ‘a jury of my peers’ I want to be judged by a talking horse
Obama’s gonna take all your decorative soaps.
The ocean is full of sharks, jellyfish, man-eating octopus, and nightmare whales, but make sure you wait a half-hour after eating to go in.