to a guy who shits on people’s lawns, everything looks like a lawn
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I often worry about the safety of my children … Especially the one who is still awake at midnight and talking back right now.
I just imagined what it would be like to cut eyeholes in a slice of provolone cheese and wear it like a mask. So yeah I’m fine.
Which of the f’s in ‘Jeff’ is silent?
“God is good all the time!” Yeah. Not you though, Russ. You sucked for 55 frigging minutes.
*Paul Walker shouts down from the gates of heaven*
“YO DID I GET A MILLION LIKES ON FACEBOOK? THEY WON’T LET ME IN WITHOUT A MILLION LIKES”
How to woo a woman
Every smiling face in a conga line is pleading with you, “Please join our conga line, or we’ll feel stupid.” I didn’t start this mess. Get yourselves out of it.
“Baby last night you were so hot, let’s do it all over again this morning.”
-me, speaking to this leftover pizza.
Went to bed with wet hair and woke up looking like I might know a lot about astrophysics
Before:
“I WANT THE BEST EDUCATION FOR MY CHILDREN”Homeschooling:
“You know, I think I’m ok with my kids being dumb”
Food FACT: Omelette takeaway restaurants were very popular in biblical times. The most famous of these was called Judas Eggscarryout.
Yeah, well, I didn’t exactly want to be late for work today either but it’s not like hot wings can shave themselves out of chest hair.
You’re telling me Adam DRIVER and Penelope CRUZ (cruise) are in a movie called Ferrari ???????????
Best thing about drinking in downtown LA is that if u need a bathroom, it’s all around you
[police station]
“sir you get one phone call.”
[calls 911]
“hello 911 what’s your emergency?”
yeah a bunch of pricks are holding me hostage.
Wife: I thought you returned this movie three weeks ago?
Me: I wanted to watch it again.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: I found it in the refrigerator.
From now on when people come up to me while I’m pregnant and say, ‘looks like you’re getting so close now!’ I’m just going to start saying ‘you too!’
Wife: I want to have another baby
Me: one is more than enough
Wife: we have 3
Me: the others know how I feel
The Matrix described 1999 as the peak of human civilization and I laughed because that would obviously not age well but then the next 23 years happened and now I’m like yeah okay maybe the machines had a point
27 years ago I snot-bubble cried during Mufasa’s death scene and I am now while watching it with my 8 year old AND THAT CYBORG DIDN’T SHED ONE DAMN TEAR!!!
Them: How many calories do you eat each day?
Me: Usually 1500, sometimes 10,000.
*whispers to an avocado*
“I’m the good kind of fat, too.”
My dad said he thinks his new gf is the one and I said well technically she’s the fifth one
lmfao come on
Nah nah nah nah nah nah nah nah…..
Describe yourself in four bold words and two exclamation points
Me:
“I’m in love with the shape of ewe.”
-Ed, shearing
If a ship travels 24 knots per hour and the trip is five hours then how was there not enough room for Jack on that door??
It’s only Cloud Computing if it originates in the Saint-Cloud region of France.
Otherwise, it’s just sparkling servers-in-a-warehouse.